When taking that person up with you for the first time…
While pointing at the altimeter…
“This one tells how high we are, I won’t get the others until the second lesson.”
“Please fasten your seat belt.”
I bought a copy of How To Fly Helicopters for use as a prop when I had a new passenger.
I’d ‘read’ it upside-down. 
During his test pilot days at Pax River, Jim “Shakey” Lovell would ask factory representatives when he was being briefed on a new aircraft “What button do I press to make it fly?”
A gunner on a UH-1D in Nam was working on the M-60 mounted on the side of the chopper when a new to the country reporter asked him “How can you gun down and murder innocent women and children with that?” The gunner started swiveling the gun while sighting down the barrel for a bit and then told the reporter “I reckon you jes’ don’t lead them as much.”
Are you a pilot?
- No, I just like wearing this polyester uniform.
This plane is so small!
-Small planes for small towns, Ma’am.
Is this plane safe?
- If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here.
Will I make my connection?
-I can tell you how long it will take to fly there, but after that, you’re on your own.
When do you get to be the pilot? or When will you be allowed to fly the plane?(Currently a first officer)
-um. Have been. For a real long time now. Matter of fact, I’ll be flying this leg, thank you. Unless it’s a crappy landing, in which case it was the capt flying. I swear.
Still, I don’t mind answering questions. I think most pilots are that way, get us started and we’ll drone on in the name of fighting ignorance, and/or sharing how cool aviation can be. =)
‘How To Fly Helicopters: Part 2’. After perusing my book while I get the passenger strapped in, I used to look confusedly at the console and say, 'Button, button… Who’s go the button? Ah! There it is!" and then begin the startup procedure.
The standard joke anyone who went through jump (paratrooper) school knows like a reflex.
Q: Why would you want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane?
A: In the military, there is no such thing as a perfectly good airplane.
‘Just remember: This aircraft was built by the lowest bidder.’
A guy dies and goes up to Heaven. There’s a very long line at the Pearly Gates. Someone dressed like a pilot walks to the head of the line and through the gates. Saint Peter happened to be near the guy, and the guy says to him, ‘What’s going on? I can’t believe you let pilots up here, let alone allow them to bypass the line and walk right in!’ Saint Peter says, ‘Oh, that’s God. Sometimes he thinks he’s a pilot.’
(I should have posted that in a Pilot Jokes thread, but it related to the Q&A. 
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