According to my research, (some guy I talked to in a bar) it takes an airliner three to five minutes to hit the ground after the engines quit.
I’m not the least bit afraid of flying. Not a bit. Not me. Nope. But, just to cover all the bases, I thought it would be a good idea to plan ahead and compile some one-liners to ease the tension on the way down.
For example:
“Well, that does it. I’m never flying this airline again!”
“All right everybody, this is a hijack! This plane is now bound for UP!”
“Are you going to eat those almonds?”
(into cell-phone) “Arnie, sell my American Airlines stock. NOW!”
“Stewardess, I specifically requested a vegetarian catastrophe.”
“If you look to your left, you’ll see some guy screaming his ass off.”
Random woman on doomed plane, stands up, yells ‘Who can make a real woman out of me in my final moments?’
Enthusiastic guy stands up, rips off his shirt and throws it at her ‘I can, iron this!!’
Thank you very much.
“Looking back on my life, my only regret is that I didn’t have sex with more farm animals.”
“You fool! If you want to have any chance of survival your tray must be in the full upright position!”
“I’ve done a little math. I demand you open the door so I can jump out. My survival odds will increase slightly. I’ll get a magnificent view. And, I can finally get away from this shmuck and his annoying, nonstop chatter!”
“The hell with this! If I’m about to die, I’m going to first class!”
[ul]
[li] “Anyone got a spare parachute?”[/li][li] “So who’s gonna get my frequent flyer miles now?”[/li][li] “Good thing we’re over water. I’ve always wanted to see how well these seat cushions work as flotation devices.”[/li][/ul]
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