I’m in a very frustrating situation- I’m planning on moving out as soon as I can after I graduate college, but in the meantime I live with my mom. I am thankful for all of her support in my eduation, but I also want to be as independent as I can. In general, I just sleep here and try not to put any burden on her.
I dont want to take my mother’s generosity for granted, but some stuff she does really gets under my skin. For example, I am planning on going on a cruise next week. I was invited by my dad’s family (my parents are divorced). This afternoon, my mom was going through my clothes. I asked her what she was doing, and she said she wanted to make sure I had enough clothes for my trip. I told her I am perfectly able to pack for my trip, and anything I don’t have I can afford to buy myself.
This evening I was drowsy from some medication I have been on and took a nap. My mom woke me up to show me all the clothes she had bought me :eek: I didn’t know whether to be flattered or disgusted- I had specifically told her that I would do all this but she waited until I was asleep and did it anyway. When I told her I was going to do this myself, she said that I would never get around to it, and if she doesn’t do things for me, they never get done :rolleyes:
The fact is, she never gives me an opportunity to do things myself because they never meet her own timescale. This is not the first time she has done something like this, and it puts me in an awkward position because if I object I am being seen as ungrateful, which I am not. If I had said, “Mom, I’m not feeling well, could you get the clothes I was planning on buying?” and she got them, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. However, I was planning on doing it myself.
Throughout my adolescence I’ve been robbed of an opportunity to ‘prove myself’ because her lack of confidence in my ability. She feels the need to have to help me through everything, and unfortunately I’m the kind of person who learns better when I have to ‘tough it out’ through things. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a great mom, I just wished she could have made me feel more independent by letting me take charge of my own life
When you do move out you will have plenty of opportunities do for yourself. Just be gracious and say thank you. Maybe she is getting the “empty nest” syndrome, and is thinking that this it, the last time she can take care of you.
My mom is the exact same way, and unfortunately I don’t forsee things changing even after you move out.
I haven’t lived in my parents’ house for almost 6 years now, and my mom will still pick things up at the store for me because she thinks it will save me time, or that I won’t think to get them for myself.
I used to think it was that she had a lack of confidence in me, but I see things differently now. It’s not about her lack of faith in me, but rather her need to be useful and helpful. It’s become a lot easier to manage since I realized that.
Thanks for the feedback. This has been kind of difficult for me to handle. I have talked to her about it, but we get in circular arguments, and I feel like I can’t make her understand clearly enough why this bothers me.
Some background- Three years ago my brother moved away to live with my dad and my mom was heartbroken. She had fought very hard to keep him here, but in the end he simply wanted to live with my dad more. She was extremely upset about this, and in addition my brother consistently flakes out on visits and such, and when he does visit, he spends most of his time with friends or talking to my dad on the phone loudly complaining about how bored he is. When my mom and him actually do things together, he starts arguments and generally tries to make her miserable to the point of wishing he would just go back to my dad’s house.
Because of all this, she has identified me as the ‘Good Son’ and I guess because I have been so vocal about wanting to get out of her as soon as it is feasable, she has really been going into overdrive. I definitely think there may be an ‘empty nest’ syndrome, and kind of wonder what my mom will do when it is just her and her boyfriend living together.
I’m torn because for instance with the clothes thing, she saved me a lot of time and money (plus she goes shopping for me so much she knows what size/style I like). I really appreciate her generosity, I just worry stuff like this will make me really inept when I’m on my own. Oh well, I guess I’ll learn everything I need in due time.
You won’t be inept. You might have some “ah Fuck!” moments where you forget something that your mother might have remembered to do or get. One of the best rules for living on your own is you can never have too much toliet paper.
Stay at home as long as you possibly can. Going out on your own may seem exciting, but wait until you have to choose between paying the rent and eating.
I don’t know her, but based on mothers I do know, it’s just that she loves you and wants to help. Yes it is annoying, but there you go. I suggest talking about it with her. If you really feel you’d rather do this by yourself, fine, but unless you’re a saint, there’s bound to be stuff she could help with. Or maybe it’d be as simple as getting her to ask you before she ‘helps’.
Ah, man! if only I could live back at home rent free and free food if only for a year. I’d of course have to drop a couple of gran on therapy sessions, but it would still be totaly worth it.
I’ll never forget the time when my mom visited me at my new place and (because she was nervous—and also an irritating woman) she started to go through my drawers and tried to “get rid of” some of the stuff that she deemed to be “junk.” She tried to throw away some favorite earrings. (They were goofy, but I loved them!)
She usually isn’t quite that irritating, but she was nervous and she had to use up her nervous energy somehow. Needless to say, I would not permit her to throw any of my stuff away, and she’s never tried to pull something quite that obnoxious again. (Close, but not that bad.)
It sounds like your mom is on overdrive and yes, that is irritating. Don’t worry, it’ll get better when you are out on your own.
This is the part you need to focus on when you talk to your mom. It’s one thing to do a favor for someone, something nice is pretty much always appreciated. It’s something else to suggest that the person is unable to manage their own life.
“If you keep doing these things for me, how will I ever learn to do them myself?”
Turn the tables on her…go out and buy her something faaabulous as a “thank you” for helping you with your travel wardrobe. When you’re on the cruise, check out the boutiques and gift shops and get her something she’d never buy for herself. That way, you’re even-steven financially, you’ve reciprocated in an adult fashion, and you’re showing your undying appreciation.
Is it at all possible that your mother’s purchase of clothing for the trip is in direct response to the fact that it is your father that is taking you? Perhaps she is keeping score and can’t let your father’s three pointer pass without making sure that you know its your mother that makes sure you are “ready” and not your father. I’m not saying this is true, just suggesting that the whole concept of keeping score is a common occurence in divorces. Mom is now a ‘super-mom’ because dad is not around and when he is, he does all sorts of cool stuff with you.
I have the same mom also! I still have trouble doing things on my own or taking initiative because she was so protective (or whatever) as I was growing up. Not long ago, I went to a court hearing which I specifically said I wanted to go to alone. She showed up anyway and sat next to me, whispering, “Be sure and tell them such-and-such.” Grrrr! :mad:
We have had it out lots of times, and she’s working on letting go. I’m working on taking care of things myself. I just remind myself of all the cracks she’s already pulled my ass out of, and I know she can’t help driving me crazy…that’s what moms are all about. Just remember that you’re going to go out in the big world and fuck up, and she’s going to be there helping you.
Have a nice time on your cruise!
The only way it’s going to get better when you move out is if you move FAR AWAY. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my mom. But if I don’t see her at least once every other week she starts calling and making dinner plans.
I lived a disgustingly spoiled life. I never did any chores besides making my own bed. (I never got an allowance though, I wasn’t THAT spoiled) Oddly enough, I wanted to learn how to do these things. I just wasn’t allowed.
I never knew how to do laundry until I went off to college. I was just the next state over. If I didn’t take the train home friday after class, she’d come get me on saturday. A lot of the time I ended up taking my laundry home with me anyway. At some point during the year, I ended up dating a great girl who’d rescue me on the weekends.
I never really knew how to cook until I moved out a few towns over with my (now ex) s.o. She’d come over all the time for dinner, and she’d do the dishes. Luckily he had mad chef skillz and taught me a lot.
Now I live in a bad part of town that she wouldn’t be caught dead in, so I’m safe! And I can clean stuff! Except it doesn’t happen until someone trips over something, so maybe once a month. It just doesn’t occur to me to clean until it becomes a problem.
Sounds like your mom has some control issues. She lost control of your brother and is now trying to keep control of you. It’s going to be a long struggle and won’t end for a while, if ever.
My mom was/is the same way. If I didn’t do it on the right timetable, she’d do it. I’d be trying to cook something and if I wasn’t doing it the right way, she’d take over and finish it. Same went with cleaning. It got so I’d end up doing a half-assed job on most of my chores because she’d end up redoing them anyway. I was never really taught the right way to clean so I still do a half-assed job.
It got so much better when I went 500 miles away for college. She still tried to control things from home, but it was harder. Like Felissa, I didn’t know how to do laundry until college. Breaks and that first summer weren’t so great, but she had come to a few realizations. It took me not coming home that second summer to realize that yes, I could do things on my own. It hit even harder when I moved to France for a year. Now mom has realized that I am my own person and can and will do things on my own, without her help most of the time. It was a power struggle for a long time though and still can be at times.
I’m 26 and living on my own/with my bf, and my mom will still buy me clothes. I see my family about once a year, as they’re in MA and I’m in VA and will soon be in TX. I don’t ask for much from them, just extra furniture and things that they don’t need and would give away anyway!
Moving out will help. Sometimes moving out is better for your sanity than staying at home. I know it was for me.
This may be your mom’s way of showing love. Since you’re about to leave, she’s going into overdrive. A lot of moms do this, I think; they get so used to serving as an act of love that they have a hard time letting go of it when it’s (way past) time and finding some other way to express themselves. You might want to bring that up, I don’t know. Tell her some things that she could do, maybe? If there’s stuff you don’t know how to do, ask for lessons? As long as you’re going to be there for awhile, you might as well learn cooking or something.
My MIL is a bit like this; whenever they come to visit, she brings half the grocery store with her. It’s not that she thinks I’m starving her son, she just wants to express her love and caring, and it comes out this way. She also buys a lot of presents for our kids, partly because they were always very poor and couldn’t buy toys for their kids before, so she’s making up for it now. They are still almost-poor, and I hate all this, because I see it as wasting money they haven’t really got and filling us up with calories nobody needs–but they don’t come up that often, and I try to live with it because it makes her happy. (And we assign food in an attempt to limit it, because if we tell her not to bring anything it will be worse. Asking for a bag of chips results in only 6 bags of chips, which is at least less than usual.)
We are in almost exactly the same living situation both my parents are divorced and my sister has moved out, and I am planning to move out when I finish college, the only difference is that my mom always bitches at me and threatens to kick me out, so enjoy it buddy! :smack:
Wow, its amazing how common this is! And here I was thinking I was the only person who had to deal with this kind of situation!
I have tried to prove to her that I am capable of doing things myself- for instance when she was on vacation, there was a problem with my graduation form and I went down to the school offices and got it all sorted out myself- something if she knew about it, she would have made all the phone calls/office trips behind my back “to make sure it gets done”.
My mom has this habit of transferring other people’s problems onto her own (my best friend is kinda like this too). So if something goes wrong in my life that is 100% my problem, she’ll take it to herself to stress out about it for me and try to fix it herself. Sometimes I dont even bother telling her when something goes wrong because she’ll stress out about it so much that I will be stressed out, and if I never told her the problem can get fixed just as easily minus a ton of stress and arguing.
You have a few choices. (1) You can put up with it, and just accept it as an expression of love. If you’re worried you’ll end up inept later, don’t be. You’ll figure it out when you have to. (2) You can ask her not to do this stuff, but be aware that she’ll do it anyway. (3) You can make it clear that she’s not going to succeed at it. No behavior is repeated if it doesn’t come with a reward. So make sure that reward doesn’t happen. If she buys you clothes, tell her that you’re grateful, but you’re just not interested in them, and she might as well return them. That sort of thing. If she cooks breakfast for you, pretend not to notice and cook for yourself. The problem here is that these things are kinda mean.
She’s going to keep doing this until she stops getting whatever it is she gets out of it. If what she does is really, really irritating, you’ll have to choose choice number three. Otherwise, don’t tell her about your problems when you can get away with it, and put up with her solutions when you can’t. Don’t worry about being unable to deal with things later - once you move out, you’ll learn the stuff, or at least whatever you haven’t learned will be so clear that you’ll be able to figure out how to learn it.
And I can clean stuff! Except it doesn’t happen until someone trips over something, so maybe once a month. It just doesn’t occur to me to clean until it becomes a problem.