Pitting UltraVires

We have a winner for the title of West Virginia’s dumbest lawyer

This guy!

Here’s another bit of genius from the same thread…

Brett Kavanaugh is lucky to have you on his side.

I wonder if he tackled his wife down to the ground, held her down with the bulk of his body, and had his buddy crank up the stereo all in the name of keeping the neighborhood calm.

Cuz I’m thinking if there had just been a hand clapped over Ford’s mouth, we wouldn’t be talking about any of this.

That’s a great hypothetical defense: ‘It may not have been sexual assault; it may have just been a rejected sexual proposition followed by run of the mill simple assault. The clothes being removed? Standard sexual banter, nothing to worry about.’

I’m not sure that’s a ‘dumb’ argument. It’s just spectacularly sociopathic and/or deliberately ignorant of social mores and legalities.

Yeah, I was already aware that UltraVires is a bit of a dickhead, but your second quote is one of the most bizarre, jaw-droppingly idiotic “arguments” I’ve seen since Starving Artist’s legendary “paper towel tube” defense of Jerry Sandusky. Bravo.

It may have been improper persuasion!

If i were on a jury and a lawyer tried to argue that the defendant held her down, tried to strip her clothes off, while covering her mouth to stifle her screams, all in a clumsy, improper attempt to persuade her- I would ask the judge if we could convict the lawyer of anything, too.

If someone is screaming you can try to silence them with a paper towel tube, but it tends to just focus the sound and make it smaller and more cartoony sounding.

Right? And he’s a for real in real life lawyer.

I can’t even imagine the whooping and high fiving that occurs in law firms in his area when his name pops up as opposing counsel.

Found it!

Here’s an argument* he presented in a thread about Confederate monuments.

*I’m not sure argument is the proper word to describe whatever the fuck this is.

I think we need to get ahead of this before the paper towel tube thing gains traction as a defence. I suggest we tie it to their sense of toxic masculinity, and wrap it up in a nice pithy phrase so they can remember it. How about “If the tube’s gonna fit, I’d ask, dude, that’s it?”

To me, this is the most bizarre part. Yes, he’s a sexist, homophobic asshole, I get it. But his argumentation and debate skills are just awful, especially for a lawyer.

There are lawyers here who I really don’t like, and maybe they steer the conversation into areas that they can defend, but they defend those obscure side arguments well. This idiot doesn’t even do that – he’ll steer the conversation into some weird area and then not even defend that well!

What a hateful idiot.

On Santorum…

Oh, and he seems to be unaware that Kavanaugh categorically denies ever having been present at time of the incident.

“Your honor, my client wasn’t even there, but if he had been, his covering her mouth would have been just to keep her from disturbing the other partygoers!”

I can see why you would think that, but unfortunately he is really a for real law talking dude. However, I’m not going to go into detail on this so feel free to ignore me.

Sorry, as you can see from my edited post, thought better of it anyway.

Honestly if anyone had a good opinion of any republican on the board, that thread is a pretty good antidote.

Here he apparently deliberately misunderstands his opponents’ positions in the name of intellectual dishonesty.


At one time I did, but they call themselves “independents” now.

I read through that Santorum thread and I just realized UltraHateful used to be jtgain. I remember not having a great impression of jtgain but nothing nearly as negative as I have for UltraStupid.

Let’s not forget his brief foray into Brett Kavanaugh slashfic…

I say, go for it. Let’s see what happens.