Pizza Delivery Drivers: Tell us your weird stories

I had a friend that was a pizza delivery driver for a year and he had a ton of great and weird stories from being out and about; delivering to couples in the middle of insane domestic disturbances, delivering to a middle age guy that would open the door nude or semi-nude, etc.

What are your weirdest and funniest stories?

What the heck is “semi-nude” for a middle-aged guy? Or any guy? Topless? I can’t buy that as semi-nude.

Bottomless but wearing a top would be an acceptable response, I guess.

Maybe in just skivvies?

I’ve been delivering pizzas in the evening as a third job for about six months now, in order to help along my process of saving for the enormous television that I absolutely need.

I can’t recall anything super-strange. But there are are the odd regular customers as a fallback:

The guy who gets ansty and sends you back with a complaint if you are early with his order. (Yes, early, not late).

Angry/crazy woman and her kids. Their most common problem is they frequently lock themselves in the house and lose their keys. Causing the delivery driver to wait (often upwards of 20 minutes - if they don’t give up and leave) while the mother searches accompanied by loud and frenzied swearing. The kids meanwhile chatter constantly at you through the flyscreen windows. They are not too bright and I think possibly mentally handicapped. They repeat the same few obvious questions over and over until their mother finds the keys. Are you from (Pizza Place)? Are you going back to (Pizza Place) afer this? Is that your car? Do you have our pizza? (Answers: Yes, yes, yes and yes.)

My favourite regulars are a Pakistani couple who always insist that I ‘come and play Playstaion!’ with them for ‘just a while’ when I arrive with their pizzas. They always ask that their driver bring lots of the current coupons with the delivery but they never use coupons on their orders. Or come into the shop to use them on a carryout order. But they must have the coupons.(Seriously, guys: What the hell are you doing with those things?)

And the ubiquitous naked customer. I think every delivery area has at least one regular nude-at-the-door delivery customer. Mine is very friendly, totally carefree. He couldn’t care less about the whole thing. Just as casual with the male drivers, too. (I’m female).

There was a guy last night, who, clearly drunk, answered the door holding a video camera and filmed the whole exchange.
Him: Piiiiiizzaaaaa. Piiiiizzaaaa. (Slow, droning)
Me: Hi. You’re (name on order)?
Him: Dude, you’re in my film now!
Me: Great. You’re (name)?
Him: Oooooh, ummmm, is that my pizza?
Me: I’m guessing yes. (I begin handing over boxes).
Him: Piiiiizzzzaaaa. Hey, say something cool for my film.
Me: Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time. (Hey, I couldn’t think of anything, plus the word ‘wasted’ came to me watching him trip over himself trying to hold the camera and the pizza and maintain balance).
Him: Huh?
Me: That’ll be $21.90 (or whatever).
Him: Hey! What happens if I don’t pay you?
Me: We won’t deliver here ever again.
Him: How much?
Me: $21.90
<he pays, I walk away>
Him: Hey! Where’s my drink?
Me: You didn’t order a drink, sir.
Him: (yelling to someone behind him) Damn, she caught me! She’s good, Daniel, she’s good!

Annoyingly, I can’t recall any really good stories right now, I’ll try and remember and post later. I know there are some.

Ice storm in Chicago, treacherous. Half an inch of ice on everything. I bring $88 and change worth of food to a weird address on a street that exists only for half a block, behind another street; weird extradimensional location, impossible to find. Struggle up the icy steps with a stack of pizza boxes, festooned with bags of food. Guy gives me $90 bucks, says keep the change. I actually knocked on the door again and said, what are you kidding me? His wife, embarrassed, gives me a tenner.

The only thing I have is the plastic bag somewhere that has the all silver coins that some kids gave me for a delivery. I spotted the difference when I emptied my pocket on the counter, but when I called the place I thought gave it to me, I was told I had it wrong.
I suspect there was a spanking following the payment for a pizza with all silver coins.

I’ve got a couple that I have recounted here before, but what the heck, I’ll do it again.

When I was driving there was on delivery that *everyone * wanted on Fridays. Well, the guys anyway. It was a delivery to a ladies house. This lady, who happened to be smokin’ hot, would answer the door wearing nothing but a tee shirt. When you handed her the pizza she would take it, turn around and take a step or two, bend over at the waist which lifted the tee shirt perfectly to give the driver a full on view of everything. She would then turn around with a smile and give you a check. On top of flashing the driver, she tipped well.

Then there was the time I delivered a pizza to a drug bust. We got the order really late on a Friday night and it was at the very edge of the delivery area in a shady apartment complex. I was kind of pissed about it because I had to stay late to make the delivery on a Friday night. Anyway, I noticed something odd when I parked but I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. Something didn’t seem right. I was hoping that I wasn’t getting setup for a robbery. I went to the apartment and knocked. A guy in the apartment asked who it was. I answered that it was the pizza guy. The door opened and I was grabbed by a rather large man and pulled into the apartment. I looked around and there were two people on the couch, handcuffed and looking scared to death and the guy who pulled me in had a police department windbreaker on. He asked what I was doing there and I explained the obvious. He made a comment that the residents wouldn’t be buyng the pizza. I made to go but the cop asked his co-workers if they were hungry. The answer was yes. He asked how much it was. I said 21.whatever. They pooled their money and were short. I went to call my manager and put the pizza down on a table. On the counter next to the table there were a couple guns, a ton of ammo and a bunch of packages that appeared to be white powder. Also, there were cops going through all the cabinets, tossing the stuff on the ground and basically making a hell of a mess looking for more evidence. I spoke with my manager and he said to give the cops the food for free. The cops gave me the money anyway, so I got rather decent tip.

I was walking towards the door to head out when someone knocked. The cop I had been dealing with pushed me back down the hall a bit. The cops at the door did the whole ‘Who is it’ thing again. This time though, they opened the door, grabbed the guy, pulled him inside, threw him on the ground* and slapped the cuffs on him and started reading him his rights. I left after that without an incident.

The next day, or it could have been Sunday, I read in the paper about a major drug bust. The people who had made the order were apparently major coke dealers and had called in the order just before the cops arrived.


*They got the guy on the ground rather quickly but also quite safely.

I’ve never delivered a pizza, but I used to volunteer a couple of lunch hours every week to deliver meals on wheels. VCO3, does that qualify me to post in this thread? Assuming you’ll say it does, then …

… I have had the door answered by a horny old guy in a bathrobe who was ginning at me as he stroked his woody, which was sticking out of his bathrobe. I refused to deliver to him again. When another volunteer had a similar experience with him, she sent a cell phone picture of him in all his glory to the cops. He was arrested and later evicted from his apartment.

… I have been assaulted by an ex-mental patient who accused me of poisoning her food. Whenever I would deliver, she would yell abuse at me through the window, calling on God and her neighbors to witness that I was intent on doing her harm. I never said anything, and would just leave her food on her doorstep. Presumably, she took it in after I left. One day, however, she went berserk and came barging out through her front door as I was leaving the meal and started pummelling me. Fortunately, she was frail and six inches shorter than I, so her blows didn’t leave any bruises, but that was the last time I - or any volunteer - delivered to her. I later heard she was sent back to the mental hospital.

… I was accused by a crazy cat lady of stealing her one of her cats.

… This never happened to me, I’m glad to say, but on two separate occasions, two other meals-on-wheels volunteers went to homes where they found the client lying dead on the floor.

er, that’s grinning. :smack: