Platonic love amongst men - a poll

In My Humble Opinion
1

1. Does it exist?
2. Are men aware of it?
3. How does it manifest?
4. Do you always keep it hidden?
5. If you keep it hidden, have you ever regretted not showing it?
6. If you don’t keep it hidden have you ever regretted showing it? And I’m not talking about a drunken “I love you man”.
7. If you show it, how do you show it? Gestures? Actions? Words?

I’m talking about love for these kinds of people:

Your father or brothers
Other men in your family
Mentors
Coaches
The Lieutenant or other officer that has repeatedly kept your ass safe
Best friends
Childhood friends
Etc.

Women can participate too, of course, if they’ve seen it or can add info. I’m asking for a story chiefly but also just out of general curiosity.

Thanks!

2

My bros love each other, last I checked. They get occasional impulses at cracking each other’s head open to see if the brain is still there, too, but that’s ok.

They don’t say anything like “I love you”, but that’s something that’s simply not said in our culture. People who know I’ve lived in the US often ask me whether American families really say stuff like “I love you Daddy”. Heck, my grandparents are still in love after 70-some years together and I’ve never heard them say “I love you”; they have forbidden each other from dying first though (we are expecting that they’ll either a-live until 150; b-die in a train crash; c-both).

They know it. They manifest it when they forgive each other the unforgivable, often while saying “man, if you weren’t my brother… oh, if you weren’t my brother!”

Middle-bro’s birthday was last saturday; little-bro and me spent a month emailing gift ideas back and forth looking for something that a- middle-bro would like, b-SIL wouldn’t ban, c- we’d be able to find and afford. A month’s worth of work doesn’t spell love? Then I don’t know what does!

3

  1. Sure it does.

  2. I am.

  3. Hidden in what sense? I don’t gush but I will tell my brother/father/uncle I love them. I’ve told my best friend as well on a couple of occassions that were particularly trying (death in his family, my divorce, etc).

  4. Well not always. But mostly. Like I said, no gushing.

  5. Between men, the emotion is generally understood so no regrets.

  6. Well, largely it’s a kind of drunken “I love you man”. Just not always when we’re drunk. But yeah, it’s down played. We don’t look lovingly into eachother’s eyes or anything. I’ve also never experienced any regrets about showing it.

  7. Like you said, a low key, “I love you man” is good. The men in my family are pretty comfortable with hugging so there is no stigma about that. Of course a manly couple of claps on the back as we hug is customary as well. My best friend (of 20+ years) is equally warm in this respect. Probably because he’s been raised in a somewhat similar east european cultural background and the fact that he’s gay probably helps too. So again, we hug eachother when we greet but that’s also because we live very far apart and don’t see one another very often. However, sliding the hand down to grab ass is definitely out. Also no slipping of the tongue.

4

Hank Hill to Bobby Hill: “If you weren’t my son, I’d hug you!”

5

**1. Does it exist? **
Sure it does. Most men (IMHO) wouldn’t call it love, but it’s there.

**2. Are men aware of it? **
Again, they may not call it love (not while they’re sober, at any rate), but the non-sexual bond between two male friends, whether they be blood kin, mentor and student, or just social peers, can be very strong. Just look at the number of recorded stories about guys in combat who jumped on a live grenade or did some other insanely brave and suicidally heroic thing to save their buddies. That’s love.

**3. How does it manifest? **
It runs the gamut. For some guys, it’s as simple as resisting the urge to kill one another, even at times of extreme provocation (“You did what to my Corvette?”). Or giving up something important to help the other guy out (“Dude, I was saving that bottle of Chivas for after the SuperBowl, but you need to celebrate more than I do – your first divorce only comes once”). Or just being there in times of need (“Man, she threw you out again? Yeah, you can flop on the couch – just clear away that stack of dirty dishes.”) If it’s the kind of thing they wouldn’t do for ANYBOY except their closest buddies, it’s love – no matter how hard they’ll try to deny it.

4. Do you always keep it hidden?
Me? Nah. But I’m a sensitive kinda guy. I am an exclusively heterosexual man who has willingly hugged other men (who were not related to me) in public, without feeling the need to rupture internal organs through excessive back pounding or reinforce my masculinity with a heartfelt noogie. It is acceptable in my family for the men to embrace one another and utter a terse “love you, man.” Except for my dad, that is. Green Beret training successfully purged him of all capacity for this kind of behavior – we’ve now gotten him to the point where he will accept a hug without feeling the need to assume a hand-to-hand combat stance. Even from his son who has a beard, enjoys showtunes, and rarely wears socks on the weekend (that would be me).

5. If you keep it hidden, have you ever regretted not showing it?
N/A

6. If you don’t keep it hidden have you ever regretted showing it? And I’m not talking about a drunken “I love you man”.
Not as of yet.

7. If you show it, how do you show it? Gestures? Actions? Words?
As mentioned, I do not have a problem with embracing other guys. I’m comfortable with my masculinity. No kisses though – we’re not Sicilian. Actions…if you’re on my short list of favorite people, I’ll do anything I can to help you out, whenever you ask (though don’t ask me to help you move as I have a bad back). Words…I think I’m pretty open with the way I feel about most of my male friends. I would hope that they know where I stand with them.

6

  1. Does it exist? Yes.

  2. Are men aware of it? Yes.

  3. How does it manifest? General high regard for the person.

  4. Do you always keep it hidden? No.

  5. If you keep it hidden, have you ever regretted not showing it? N/A

  6. If you don’t keep it hidden have you ever regretted showing it? And I’m not talking about a drunken “I love you man”. No.

  7. If you show it, how do you show it? Gestures? Actions? Words? All of the above.

7
  1. Does it exist? Yes
  2. Are men aware of it? Yes
  3. How does it manifest? I don’t understand the question.
  4. Do you always keep it hidden? Not always.
  5. If you keep it hidden, have you ever regretted not showing it? No
  6. If you don’t keep it hidden have you ever regretted showing it? And I’m not talking about a drunken “I love you man”. I don’t regret showing my emotions.
  7. If you show it, how do you show it? Gestures? Actions? Words? Actions and words. It would be rare for me to say “I love you” but not unheard of. I am more likely to say something like “You are one of the people who is most important in my life.” Or something very simple like: I value your friendship. I am also a very good friend and am sure to be there when someone I care about needs me.
8

Thanks for the answers guys. Hopefully some other men will be in here to answer it. But I’m glad to hear these answers…I asked two men IRL and they both said completely opposite - basically that they love almost no men, and even family members they rarely show it. I figure either I just got a very skewed sample size, or they felt differently about saying it than they might have typing it.

9

When I first started dating CubHubby, it impressed me greatly that he kissed his father when he left the house. That’s just how his family and still is.

10

  1. Does it exist? – Of course

  2. Are men aware of it? – Yes, but on an instinctive level

  3. How does it manifest? – Are you familiar with the expression “he’s got my back”? He’s there for you, and you’re there for him.

  4. Do you always keep it hidden? – Not so much hidden, as unspoken.

  5. If you keep it hidden, have you ever regretted not showing it? – Actions speak louder than words.

  6. If you don’t keep it hidden have you ever regretted showing it? And I’m not talking about a drunken “I love you man”. – I never regret being there for someone who needs me. I have regretted choosing the wrong person to be there for.

  7. If you show it, how do you show it? Gestures? Actions? Words? – They’re my friends. I don’t make friends easily, and they know it.

11

Well what do you mean by platonic love?

Interestingly, I’ve experimented sexually with other men but have absolutely no desire for any kind of emotional attachment/relationship with one. I pretty much only talk to other men for 2 reasons:

  1. Business

  2. We happen to be in a situation where there’s no one else around, and nothing else to do. This happens often enough that I have my share of casual conversation with other men, but I would never actually seek out one’s company for the conversation alone.

12

Why such an aversion to talking with men?

13

Well, there’s the “I love everyone until they give me a reason not to love them” rule, which is a loose, weak love.

Then there’s what I feel for my best friends. My friends know that if they needed me, I’d drop everything and help them bury a body, then call them idiots for doing it. Once a secret is in the vault, it doesn’t come out.

My best friends are like brothers to me, their families are extensions of my own.
We’ve got a large support group. Well, amongst the 4 of us, at least.

14

Will answer the rest later, but who me? No aversion, I only had access to a sample size of two before I posted the thread. i certainly plan to talk with more, but at the same time I rather like the anonymous answers, too.

15

I was asking Rigamarole.

16

Oh. Sorry. I was really tired when I answered that.

17

Golly, no kidding? That’s kind of sad, isn’t it? Thinking of the men to whom I’m closest (my husband, my son, my father and brother, and my closest male friends)
they all have exibited platonic love for other men. they are aware of those feeling and show them openly and without shame (although, in most cases, they aren’t mushy about it).

18

I think it’s there, it’s just not called love. To me, it seems a lot of what are considered good friends, are love. Like Least Original User Name Ever, I bet there are a lot of men that would do anything for their friends, but they wouldn’t call it love.

At least in the upper midwest US culture I have lived in, people only love family and spouses/partners. All else is friendship.

19

I think Kunilou and Kizarvexious come closest to expressing my family and situation. I don’t recall ever telling my dad “I love you” as an adult, but I didn’t have to. Actions not only speak louder than words, they lie more rarely. Think how many men “love” whomever owns the pants they want to get in. I’ve also never hugged a guy, but I don’t miss it. It is easier to lie with a hug than words.

The only guy I’ve ever said it to is my best friend, who suffers from depression and is going through a hard time right now, for other reasons. He is much more into exploring “Iron John” type thinking than my other friends, so he could handle it. Still, I’ll help shoulder any load a friend needs help with.

20

Well, I don’t know how you are construing it as an aversion. Like I said, I talk to men often enough when we happen to be in proximity to each other and there’s nothing else we need to be doing - but I just don’t seek out social relationships with men. Business relationships, yes, which invariably hold a social element - but I wouldn’t be hanging around any of my business associates for the hell of it if I didn’t see the relationship as beneficial to me in some way. Which is ultimately read: financially. I just don’t want or need emotional support from other men. If I even seek it out at all, it would be from a woman.