Play armchair producer: salvage a bad movie

Somehow, through the combined powers of the internet and Phlebotinum, you suddenly find that you have the ability to improve movies made over the last 20 years. However, your power is only limited to those movies you found wretched or–at best–below average. Thus, you can’t improve those films you thought were generally good but needed a little tweaking in terms of recasting a supporting role, removal or rewriting of a scene, or just changing the ending. Also, you can’t “improve” a movie by, for example, killing the entire cast in the first minute and flashing “The End”–there has to be something worthwhile about the otherwise deeply flawed film (e.g., the premise, the basic story, or the subject matter) that’s salvageable. What you can do is change directors and/or screenwriters, recast the leading roles or more than one of the supporting parts, logically alter the storyline, change the movie’s tone (e.g. light to dark or serious to comedic) or genre, or make any other improvement you think is necessary.

BTW, if the bad movie you want to improve is more than 20 years old, just completely remake it the way you want. You can also use your power as an armchair producer on TV shows that had good premises but were badly executed.

The Wicker Man

Recast without Nicholas Cage.

Decide whether the film is about the supernatural or about bizarre human cult behavior and adjust the script accordingly. And let there be some rationality – I mean, this cop got a medal for trying to save people in a burning car when they never found bodies? More likely they would fire him for making up some bullshit story to coverup some form of incompetence or crime.

Add bring back in more of the hot chick nudity from the original film.

**
. . . Don’t.**

Fixed that for ya.

I stand by my post, and I can claim with confidence that any movie with Nicholas Cage in it can be improved by taking Nicholas Cage out of it.

Roger that. Nick Cage must never make another movie, for the Good of Humanity.

My choice: Robin Hood: Men In Tights.

First, I’d fire Mel Brooks and make sure he never got within 50 miles of the set/location. Then I’d fire most of the actors, torture and then launch into the sun Richard Lewis, then hire a real director, one who believes that jokes should work on their own, without being telegraphed so obviously a blind man could see them.

Then I’d add lots of gratuitous nudity.

Story improvement ideas for Superman Returns:

More flashbacks. We see a young Clark bouncing around learning to fly for the first time, but the only significance the scene has is suggesting that when younger he needed glasses but reached a point when he didn’t. Aside from being kind of a rip-off of Spider-Man, this scene also suggest a parallel when the kid seems to stop needing his asthma inhaler. What the film needed was more than just that one flashback, to flesh out some of the story and help explain why Supes did split for a number of years.

New scene: Superman tries to save the plane but breaks off the wing instead. As he zooms after it, we zoom in on his worried face and then flashback to another scene of a young Clark. He’s in a barn with a younger Martha and a pre-dead Jonathan Kent. Something heavy is about to fall and squish Jon but Clark zooms in and yanks Jon to safety, smashing the falling threat (possibly a piece of farm equipment). He’d saved his father life, but injured Jon’s arm and destroyed the equipment when with a bit more control and less reflex, he could have avoid the injury and the damage. Jon gives Clark a brief fatherly talking-to about how his power is growing faster than his control and he has to be careful. “But don’t worry, Son. You’ll get there. All you need is time.” Cut back to the present and Superman’s face is now grim and determined. He zooms after the plane and saves it using delicate balancing and control.

Later on there’s another flashback, to an adult Clark in Smallville with Martha. He looks sad and beaten and there’s a Daily Planet headline reading “SUPERMAN DEFEATS INVADERS” and showing pictures of Terence Stamp, Sarah Douglas and Jack O’Halloran (the villains from Superman II).

Clark: They were from Krypton, too. It can’t be just me and them, we can’t have been the only survivors.

Martha: But there’s no way of knowing, Clark. You don’t even know where Krypton was.

Clark: [determined] Maybe I can find out.

Cut to slightly later flashback, news report of astronomers working with Superman’s help locating the remains of Krypton. Superman does say goodbye to Martha and Lois, saying this is something he has to do. The crystalline technology he’s used to build his ship will get his there in less than three years, in suspended animation. He has to find some artifact, he can’t possibly be the last son of Krypton.

During the scene where Supes lands on Luthor’s island and loses his powers, he gets beaten up. He tries to punch one of the goons but it’s barely a tap, since he’s used to tightly controlling his strength. Jonathan Kent’s lecture about control echoes in his ears. Suddenly, he punches one of the goons, very hard, with all his mortal strength. He begins beating all three severely, putting all his energy into it. For the first time, he doesn’t have to hold back. Luthor is a bit taken aback by this, but after Superman clobbers the third goon (and seeming to enjoy the experience of cutting loose), Luthor levels a gun on him and gives a brief speech along the lines of “You think it’s fun to be human? To feel pain and weakness and death.” The island shifts a bit, undergoing another growth spurt. Luthor smiles. “My baby’s growing up, and soon I’ll have power that men dream of. All I need is time.” Superman looks at him, looks at the island, then turns, runs and dives into the ocean. Luthor is somewhat surprised and vaguely troubled by this.

Lois and Richard, meanwhile, are flying their plane back to the island because Lois knows Supes is in big trouble. They find him, swimming and tired, nearly drowned, trying to get as far from the island as possible, hoping his powers will return before he collapses of exhaustion. They pick him up and he weakly tells them to fly him to STAR labs or some other high-tech facility. Shortly, Superman (his power returning but not yet at maximum) is picking out the facility’s best radiation suit. “What are you going to do?” ask Lois. “I have to get that thing off of Earth. It’s what [dramatic music] destroyed Krypton,” replies Supes. “Wait, Superman” says an earnest lab tech, “The suit is designed for radiation protection. It’s not a spacesuit. It’ll never stand up to the stresses.”

Supes, suited, tries anyway. He lifts the island of Earth but his radiation suit starts to shred. Supes clearly gets weaker and weaker and just barely pushes the island away before falling back to Earth, the radiation suit burning off of him. He plunges to Earth.

Later, he has the same scene in the kid’s room, except in addition to the “father/son” stuff, he also says to the sleeping kid that he’ll have the kind of power men dream of. All he needs is time.

I should clarify this. I didn’t mean replacing Cage with another actor, I mean simply eliminating him – even if he has the starring role. If eliminating him from the picture leaves us staring at an empty background and having no dialog for half the movie, it would still be an improvement IMHO. :stuck_out_tongue:

Improvements to The Matrix:

Drop all the mystery as to whether Neo is the chosen one or not: he has to be, othewise there is no movie. Cut the training scenes, and the meeting with the Oracle. When someone introduces a well-worn philosophical concept, don’t treat it as a revelation. And don’t tell everyone in advance who the traitor on the raid is; don’t tell there’s a traitor at all.

A few more fight scenes – even if pointless – would also help.

Alien

Stop having everyone act like idiots (admittedly, this would make it a 20-minute movie, but with a better writer it can be salvaged). Make plans to abandon ship much earlier, and when Dallas is in the tunnel, for God’s sake tell him where the monster is coming from. Forget about the cat, too.

Alternatively just scrap the later two movies :slight_smile:

I Am Legend:

Went terminally down hill when the mother and her kid turned up IMO. Apart from anything else, it kinda defeats the object of the movie (if he’s NOT the last uninfected person on Earth then the first half of the movie is irrelevant). A better ending would having trying to reveive the human race one at time, while trying to hold off zombies. The “hook” would be him trying to explain to a former zombie that they’ve spent the last two years eating their friends and relatives :slight_smile: