Play Miss Manners for me. I have a relative who...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Is a beggar.

She’s coming to visit, and I’m happy about this. It will be nice to see her, as I haven’t seen her for a while. However, she has one really irritating habit that I can’t stand. If she really likes something a person has, she will ask for it. And if you say no, she will move on to something else. Eventually, she will ask, and ask, and ask, until you (I) give in from either frustration or guilt. As she hasn’t had the best life, she doesn’t have too many cool things, unless, of course, someone else has given them to her.

Now, if this were a regular person, I would say something along the lines of, “This is mine. Me, me, me, mine, mine, mine, and I’m not sharing. Get your own!”

Okay, maybe not. But, a regular person wouldn’t ask. And she’s extremely sensitive, so hurting her feelings by being brutally blunt isn’t an option. I don’t need the rebound of this coming down on me. But this is causing me to dread her visit. The fact that she can’t seem to help herself. It’s like, she sees something she wants, and figures that she can ask, because I should automatically be willing to give my stuff away. I don’t think I’m greedy, or selfish, but she makes me feel this way until I’m handing stuff over that I don’t want to and feeling angry about it later.

I need the most sensitive, gentle, but firm no that is possible. Something that will dissuade her from asking, but not crush her feelings. I have no problem with giving gifts to people, I just don’t like them trying to take my things as if I were dead or dying and they need to get to it before someone else does.

Help?

2

“No, I’m sorry, you can’t have it.”
Repeat until she leaves.

3

Ouch. I’m trying to think of what Miss Manners would say. Other than looking at her with a shocked look and saying “Pardon me?” with an unbelieving tone until she gets a clue (not likely), my best guess would be to say something like, “Oh heavens, I’m sorry, but I couldn’t bear to part with any of my things, I cherish them, mostly out of sentimental value.” If you want, add something like, “I always box up unwanted things and donate them to charity for the less fortunate, no sense in keeping stuff around if I’d rather give it away.” If she asks about something else during the visit, tell her, “Now __, you know what I said before, I’ve gotten rid of everything I don’t want." If you know where you got it, tell her "You can pick one up for $ at ______ on your way home.”

4

Heloise, might humor help? Something along the lines of “I really like my stuff, and would like to keep all of it to enjoy in this world. However, if you really like that (rug/lamp/stationary, whaterver), I’d certainly consider leaving it to you in my will”

5

I think you answered your own question in your last paragraph, Heloise. To everything she asks for, just keep replying, “Oh, I’m so pleased you like it that much. It makes me so happy when people love the things I also love so much. Would you like me to put you down in my will to get it when I’m gone?”

Keep saying that, and maybe she’ll figure out that she ain’t gonna get it any time soon. :smiley:

6

Sorry about the simulpost, Norinew! Great minds and all that, though!

7

What if you greeted her at the door with a small gift? Would that suffice for the visit?

8

Depending on the item and the backstory of your aquisition of the item, explain, gently…“Why, Cousin, that was a gift from my dear friend Soandso, who comes often to visit. It would be an inexcusable gaffe of breeding to give that away, as Sonadso and I share an appreciation of that item, and she expects to see it here.” Or, ‘I worked for 97 hours in the freezing rain to gather the money to purchase that three-pronged lavender-scented Whatzit. It is a symbol of endurance and the effort made in the heat and smog and typhoon-level winds to blah, blah, blah…’

Repetition of request would necessitate repetition of story.

After the third request on any item, ask her if she devalues you as a feeling individual so much that she puts her desire for your objects above your desire to retain those objects AND her familial love for you, or must you make a choice.

Most people who ask for stuff from you figure that there’s no harm in asking, all you can do is say no. Do so, emphatically if necessary. Her needyness is an illness that WILL prevent her from ever having “the best life” because it IS offputting to anyone exposed to it.

Thus sayeth the woman on minimal disability that just sent her friend home to her brand-new, paid for house and pool, taking with her a $250 (replacement cost) needlepoint frame, three boxes of expensive wool for crewel work, two pair of Wiss pinking shears (price tags from time of purchase in 1982 on boxes, $27.50 a pair) and $150 worth of piano books, theory lessons, note spellers, methods materials, finger excersizes and simple sheet music.

I can talk a good line…

9

Well, I could offer to leave stuff in my will, but she’s older than I am. Also, she would probably laugh and then move on to the next object. Giving her a gift would probably be seen as an opening invitation. But one thing I have done is set aside some of the things that I know I don’t want anymore. I figure I might be able to head her off at the pass by offering them to her. It’s just that I know I have to steel myself for the inevitable. And I’d like to find a way to do it so that she doesn’t ask again, but I don’t ruin my relationship with her.

10

So what if she’s older? What’s to say she won’t outlive you anyway? Surely she will figure out if she’s told that often enough that she is NOT getting anything.

I think Otto’s advice is probably the best. Just keep saying no.

11

You might try explaining to her, that you would love to help here get her own or give her an idea of how to do so. She might just need a gentle reminder that everyone should get their own things and learn how to do it. :slight_smile:

12

Before she comes put a price tag on everything in your house. When she asks if you’ll give her something say “Sorry, all prices are firm, but there might be an end of season sale around Labor Day.”

Seriously, I think I would ask her flat out: “I’ve worked hard for my things, why would you expect me to GIVE you something?” I can only assume at some point she asked someone for something and got it, and just kept doing it.

I’m sort of the exact opposite. I’m constantly giving stuff I’m sick of to my friends without them having to ask.

Maybe instead of having her to the house you can meet for lunch at a restaurant and mini-golf after or something so she won’t even be in the house? Or is it an extended-stay type of visit?

13

Ferret Herder, you nailed Miss Manners!

You could always look at her with a shocked expression and say, “Why do you want it?”

Or a decided “Um, no” with a dash of “You’re crazy for asking” attitude for seasoning might work.

You could always pretend you didn’t hear her ask.

It’s possible the reason she keeps asking is because she knows eventually you’ll give her something. You’ve been conditioned, sweetie.

Firm up that backbone, and stand strong. You don’t want to be rude, but she is being rude. Sometimes bluntness is the only thing that works. If she keeps asking, try, “You know, you’ve asked me for six things over the past hour, and each time I’ve said no. The next time I have a garage sale, I’ll give you advanced notice. Until then, what’s in my house is going to stay in my house. Now, would you like another cup of tea before we head to the mall?”

Let us know how it goes!

14

How strange! If she will not take a strong NO for an answer offer to get her psychologial counseling. This way it will help everyone! :smiley:

15

Stop making exceptions for her! Treat her the same as you would anyone else who asked if they could take something from your home.

Be Polite. “Oh no, Cousin. I’m sorry, but I -need, value, enjoy- this too much to give it away.”

You only have to be polite once. At the next gimme, “I’m sorry. Did you not understand me before? I’m not giving this away.”

At all additional gimmes, a firm “I’ve told you NO.” will do.

Don’t give in. It’s what she expects. If she’s older than you, it’s time for her to grow up a little.

As my sainted mother has told me every time I said I wanted something, “You’re old enough now that your Wants won’t hurt you.”
Good Luck!

16

Thanks, dopers! These are great suggestions. It is an extended stay, she’ll be here for about 2 weeks, and yes, I have totally been conditioned. She’s been an adult pretty much as long as I’ve been alive and has had plenty of time to learn how to work my buttons so that eventually, I’ll feel guilty for saying no and give in.

Guilt trips in my family are like other people’s trips to the grocery store. Regular, although not always necessary. I hate them, so I try not to pull them on other people, but the women in my family know how to work them on me!

17

Ferret Herder not only nailed Miss Manners, she has the best idea. Bore her so much with WHY you simply can’t give it to her each time that she’ll give up in self-defense! Miss Manners advises that those who can’t just say no should say no in a very long gushy fashion: “Oh, I wish I could and if only it were possible, but it’s really not, but I would so love to if only I could, and I’m so sorry but there it is.” Note the absence of any actual reason why; no substance there, just a fluffy way of saying no. It’s a little less bald.

It is, by Miss Manners’ standard, extremely rude to attempt to teach anyone else manners unless you are growing them yourself (i.e. your own children). Thus I think it is improper for you to attempt to remonstrate with your relation on her attempts to extract material goods from you. Just gush on about how you’d love to but you really can’t. Unless she’s a total idiot (or masochist), she’ll eventually give up.

The worst thing you can do, however, is to give in once in a while. Studies show that erratic, occasional positive reinforcement will maintain a behavior much longer than consistent positive reinforcement. That is, if you reward a behavior once in a while, the subject will continue with that behavior far longer after you stop rewarding than if you had rewarded it every time and stopped. Makes sense, when you think about it.

18

I have a simple solution I didn’t see mentioned. Put away the good stuff you feel my be worth asking for and replace everything with cheap garage sale or dollar store items. For a 2 week stay you may wish to stash some items that could be put out later. When she asks, hem and haw for a while then make it feel like you were giving a priceless possession. Do this with each item. If the items are tacky enough or cheap looking she may not even bother asking. My step daughter likes to grocery shop in our pantry. When my wife and I go shopping we pick up some cheap items and put those in the pantry and we hide our goodies. She leave happy with her sack of booty and my wife and I can enjoy the good stuff.

19

How about good-naturedly saying, “Why are you shopping in my house? Did you come to see me or my belongings?”

If you say it with a smile, she’ll have to stop- because otherwise she’s admitting she is shopping, and she did just come for the goods.

20

Ferret Herder definitely has the most tactful suggestion thus far, and one that ought to keep her from asking about anything else. If she’s staying for two weeks, giving her things when she asks, even cheap things, will mean that she takes EVERYTHING. It might also be useful to say something like, “If you’d like a souvenir of your trip, perhaps I could take you out to [retail location]? They have so many things, I’m sure you’ll be able to find something lovely in whatever price range you’re looking for.” Or offer to take her to the place where you bought the whatever-it-is.