Nia’s new movie, Connie and Carla, neatly splces Some Like It Hot (show-biz folk have to take it on the lam after witnessing rub-out) with Victor/Victoria (women find success as faux drag queens). Surely we can do as well!
Mommie Dearest’s Bad Seed
Movie star Joan Crawford discovers her innocent-looking daughter Rhoda has been bumping off her competition and critics. “But, Mommie Dearest, you should have gotten that role, not Carole Lombard! So I sawed through the gas line on her plane! I had to!”
The Bride of Frankenstein Happened One Night
Wisecracking reporter hitch-hikes through Transylvania with the zany Bride of the Monster. Comic high point: The Bride flags down cars by removing one of her legs and waving it around.
Shoahboat
Nazis run a showboat in the 19th-century South. Musical highlights: “Ol’ Man Hitler,” “Cain’t Help Killin’ Those Jews of Mine.”
The Towering Poseidon Adventure - The world’s tallest office building catches fire and falls into the ocean leaving the all-star cast attempting to escape into the lobby from the top floor using the elevator shafts. Starring Paul Newman, Ernest Borgnine, Gene Hackman, Katharine Ross, and whichever semi-retired Golden Age stars needs to pay the rent this month. Special (and inevitable) guest appearance by George Kennedy.
The Cocoanut Swarm - Join the four Marx Brothers and Margaret Dumont in the screwball story of a Florida hotel built next to the home of a mad scientist (John Carradine) who’s been cross-breeding coconuts with killer bees. Also starring Michael Caine as a entymologist in need of anger management, Peter Graves as the Narrator on vacation, and Ethel Merman as the Lounge Singer whose performance is interrupted by a lovely bunch of deadly flying killer coconuts.
Citizen Jaws - “We’re gonna need a bigger newsroom.” The controversial film about the life of man-eating underwater press magnate Charles Foster Shark, played by a slumming Orson Welles. Also starring Robert Shaw and Flipper the Dolphin.
Breakfast at El Dorado - John Wayne and Robert Mitchum try to guard a prisoner in an apartment building with Audrey Hepburn living upstairs. Special unwanted appearance by Mickey Rooney as Unfunny Enthic Stereotype Man.
The Maltese Mutiny - Humphrey Bogart as the unstable captain of a ship searching for a missing treasure in a typhoon.
Tom Hanks, Denzel Washington, Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart, and Katharine Hepburn star in this screwball comedy about the making of a movie in which a Philadephia attorney is ostracized due to his AIDS illness.
It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Schindler’s List
Hilarity ensues when Ethel Merman, Milton Berle, Sid Caesar, Mickey Rooney, Buddy Hacket, Jonathan Winters, Dick Shawn, Terry-Thomas, Phil Silvers, a host of other comic geniuses, Liam Neeson, and F. Murray Abraham attempt to hid thousands of Jewish workers under a “Big W” in Warsaw.
A Night at the Living Dead Opera
The Marx Brothers must fend off zombie hordes hell bent on eating their brains, while also attempting to stop Kitty Carlisle from continually mentioning “my husband, Moss Hart.” Hilarity ensues when the Brothers and 50 others are trapped in a stateroom under attack from the flesh-eating ghouls. “Is my Aunt Minnie’s brain in here?”
Death attempts to learn about humanity by posing as a Depression-era homeless man, and inadvertently becomes involved in a phony newspaper suicide-threat story. Along the way, he falls in love with a socialite/journalist.
The Manchurian Falcon
Humphrey Bogart searches for Communist treasure whilst his mother, Angela Lansbury, plays Old Maid with Frank Sinatra, hoping not to draw the dreaded queen.
To Kill A MockingBirds
Atticus Finch defends a black man in a rape trial until the courthouse is overrun by murderous avians and Tippi Hedren.
The Shawshank Raiders
Tim Robbins digs a tunnel to escape prison only to find the Ark of the Covenant and some really pissed off Nazis.
Apocalypse Bambi
Martin Sheen leads the crew of a gunboat through a cartoon forest in search of a renegade officer known only as “Colonel Thumper.”
Can’t Stop The Fight Club
The first rule of Village People is you do not talk about Village People. The second rule of Village People is * you do not talk about Village People*.
M is Coming to Dinner
Crusty upper-class family is appalled when their daughter’s fiancé turns out to be a deranged German child-killer.
The Grapes of Rouge!
Starving Okies flee the Dust Bowl and head for Paris, where the Joads find work headlining as can-can dancers. “Wherever there’s a midget painting whores, I’ll be there . . .”
2001: An Office Space Odyssey
This breakthrough film explores the idea that human evolution may not be entirely random. At times, major leaps forward are caused by attempts to get away from particularly annoying middle management types.
*
HAL: Good evening, Peter. How’s it going? Uh, we have sort of a problem here. Yeah. You apparently didn’t put one of the new coversheets on your TPS reports.
Peter: Oh, yeah. I’m sorry for that. I, I forgot.
HAL: I know you got the memo. This can only be attributable to human error. This sort of thing has cropped up before, and it has always been due to human error.*
Of Mice and Matrix
Neo and Morpheus wander the countryside looking for work until Neo accidentaly kills a poor puppy with love.
Pirates of the Cabaret
Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom live and love in 1930’s Berlin until an undead Liza Minelli mixes them up in all her “curse” business.
The Passion of the Carrie
Pigs’ blood and prom dresses are funnier in Aramaic.
Richard the Thirteenth
Ian McKellen gives the most frightening performance of his career as the hunchbacked prince slaughters the people ahead of him in the line of succession, who all happen to be horny teens at Camp Crystal Lake.
The High and the Mighty Noon John Wayne and Gary Cooper are reluctant pilots trying to land a crippled airliner as a group of passengers plots revenge while others do nothing.
The Nutty Godfather a mild-mannered chemistry professor discovers a formula that turns him into a ruthless crime boss.
The Sound of Poppins Unconventional English nanny teams up with look-alike unconventional Austrian nun to warm the heart of children’s father and escape Nazis. Watch for the scene of the family evading the soldiers by popping in and out of chimneys.
The Crying Fiddler A poor but proud Russian Jew wants to find husbands for his three daughters – one of whom hides an astonishing secret.
Patricia Neal and Charleton Heston star in this big screen extravaganza that depicts what happens when a space ship lands on Earth and all the performers at a nearby circus are frozen in place for 2 hours 35 minutes. “Klaatu Nirada Peanuts Popcorn Crackerjacks!”
The 101 Commandments
A rare animated epic from the combined forces of Cecil B. DeMille and Walt Disney. Charleton Heston (as Moses) is attacked and eaten by a pack of dalmations after he descends from Mt. Sinai carrying 50 stone tablets inscribed with all 101 original commandments. “Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s 54” Plasma Screen Television" and “Thou Shalt Not Do Anything That Could Remotely Be Described As Fun” are lost to humanity forever.
Do The Right Stuff
Spike Lee gets his ass kicked by Chuck Yeager and John Glenn.
Dances With Werewolves
Kevin Costner’s sweeping tale of a disillusioned Union cavalry officer who moves to the moors of England and is befriended by Lon Chaney, Jr., Claude Raines, and Olga Ospenskya. Little does he know what awaits him “when the moon is full, and the wolfbane blooms, my son.”
But the Passion Sequel thread let me put out my idea for Passion II : Messiah-Man, following the adventures of a mild-mannered Peter Parker after he is bitten by a radioactive Messiah.
Still, I’ve got more. Zhivago - Jazzy Musical chronicling the rise and fall of a blonde floozy amidst the gin joints of post-Revolution Russia. Highlights include the number ‘Mr. Cellophaneovich’.
The Unbearable Lightness of Being Earnest In this comedy of manners, two men use the same psudonym to date two different girls, causing hilarity when the invading Soviets confuse the two.
It’s a Wonderful Boy’s Life An angel saves a depressed banker’s life, by showing him how to find gay love.
When a professional athlete’s soul is removed from his body too soon, he is allowed to return to earth in the body of a wealthy middle-aged widow, and begins a scandalous affair with a much younger gardener.
