I used to IM with my friend Chris on a daily basis, for hours at a time. We had a website together that we wrote fiction and poetry for (all comedy) and we would bounce ideas off of each other. In the course of the day I would produce for him short Playlets to illustrate the sheer surealism of my job as a personal assistant. Not unlike Mr. Pitt of Seinfeld fame, my boss…is wacky. Brilliant with money and investing, generous, cheerful, flexible, young and active. I love him. Let me say it again, in caps: I LOVE MY BOSS.
But he is…as dumb as a bucket of hair when it comes to interpersonal communication. His stupidity and seemingly mythical and now legendary behavior is not a cause for too much frustration or anger from me as I find it far too entertaining and it makes for great stories.
Anyway. As my friend Chris is too busy with a real office job nowadays, I have no one to send playlets to, so I thought I’d post a couple here that may just give you a glimpse into why I post to the dope all day.
These are not embellished AT ALL. Not one word has been changed from what actually transpired.
Playlet: The Document
Me: John, I still haven’t received that document from New York.
John: You got it?
<long pause>
Me: No.
John: Great!
The End
Playlet: The Cellphone
John: Will you send my cellphone back to AT&T and ask them why it doesn’t work?
Me: Sure. What’s wrong?
John: It’s not working. It’s not dialing out.
Me: Great. Well, I’ll call them, futz around, see what’s happening…
<many hours later>
John: You know, I dropped it in a glass of Coke…could that be part of the problem?
The End
Playlet: Cellphone Revisited
John calls from LAX
John: Yeah, I’m on a payphone. I’ve lost my cell! I can’t find it anywhere. Please call LAX. I’m sure someone must have turned it in.
Me: (suppressing rolling eyes and sighing at the idea that someone in L.A. would TURN IN a cellphone) OK!
<after being on the phone with LAX for 35 minutes, the boss calls back>
John: Never mind! I found it.
Me: Where?
John: In my coat pocket!
The End
Playlet: The Memo
*John comes into the office with a piece of white 36"x24" POSTERBOARD that is covered on both sides with a report that he’s written in black sharpie marker for some still unknown reason *
John: Can this fit on one page?
Me: No.
John: Hm. What should we do then?
Me: Well, I’ll type it up, and however many pages it takes, we’ll use that.
John: Super!
The End.
Random one liners from him to me? Sure:
“Our office is good. Good machines”
“I’ve told the Frenchman that you’ll serve him if he asks.”
And my favorite was the day the phone rang once, he picked it up and said (and I’ll stand before COLDFIRE and swear this is true)
“The eagle flies at midnight”
and then hung up.
So you see, life in jarbaby’s world is mysterious, and I’m sure there will be more playlets to follow.