PLEASE critique my law school personal statement (again)

[Grey_area]

I remember I did this a while back and with the advice offered to me on this message board, I decided to just write a new one. My original personal statement is going to be my diversity statement instead. Any advice or comments will be appreciated. THANKS!

Growing up I always thought I was unlucky. Because of my father’s job as a diplomat for the South Korean government, my family was constantly moving from one country to another. Every three years or so, I would have to change homes, schools, friends, pets and more. I grew resentful of that fact that I had no “home”. People would tell I was very fortunate to see all those different countries but that would only make me feel even more bitter, because I didn’t think they knew what hardships came along with that life. Having moved so much without my consent, I had a very unhealthy and fatalistic perspective on life. I thought that life was being inflicted on me and I had very little control over the way things turned out. This was amplified by the fact that I had to complete a two year military term like all able-bodied Korean men.

I look at myself at those times in embarrassment, seeing a child, living in a comfortable bubble, oblivious to problems other than his own. Attending High School in Guatemala, I saw poverty everywhere and saw the stark difference between the working class majority and the upper class minority, many with whom I attending school. The middle class was virtually nonexistent, and even then I had some idea that something was very wrong, but feeling powerless even in my own life, I didn’t dare dream I could make a difference. And as that child in that bubble I entered college. Feeling helpless and without a clear goal for the future, I grew apathetic and depressed and attended on-campus counseling for the majority of my college career. I closed myself off to my family, who were thousands of miles away and had little way of helping me. It would be difficult for me to describe the amount of remorse I feel about the opportunities I threw away during those times.
Then college came to an end and I was confronted by my military obligation. On January of 2009, I was stationed on the North/South Korean border as an artilleryman. The experienced change me profoundly and through those difficult times I was able to truly grow. In the attached diversity statement is more about my military experience.
The army gave two things that I had not previously possessed. The knowledge that I am in fact in control of my own destiny and a clear sense of what I wanted to achieve. I realized that I was never unlucky, but in fact exceedingly privileged. I had only compared myself to the wealthy children that attended international schools in a show of immaturity. But I had seen firsthand the injustice that is the norm for much of the world and what would motivate people to risk everything to rise up in violent revolution against the status quo. Due to the corruption, apathy and incompetence of those few in power, the majority suffers. I feel now that I am capable of making a change, however small.
After the Korean War, South Korea was left in ruins and among the poorest nations in the world. In a short few decades, it has grown into an economic powerhouse and the starvation and poverty of previous generations became something that the current generation could not even imagine. I have little doubt that brilliant and dedicated legal minds worked to bring about changes in policy and government to pave the way for economic growth. There is little remarkable about South Korea in terms of geography and/or resources that brought about this change. I firmly believe similar growth could be achieved by virtually any nation on earth, however hopeless it may seems now. It is my goal to be among those who facilitate that change.

I no longer think I am unlucky, or that I don’t have control over my destiny. Now think the complete opposite. I am lucky beyond measure. To have been born to a middle class family in a first world nation, to have experienced everything that I have in remote corners of the world and in the Korean Army, and finally, to have the opportunity to apply to XXXXX school of law. Now I know that I do in fact control my own destiny and have the potential to bring positive change to those that were never given the opportunities that I had, many of which I threw away. Through knowledge of law I want to make sure that everything I had been given is not wasted. Thank you for your consideration.

If you’re curious, this is my diversity statement that you don’t have to read.

January, 2009, Cheorwon, South Korea.  I stood naked in line among a dozen other men, waiting my turn to get splashed with a bucket of cold water, then to quickly soap up and move to back of the line to splash off the soap.  Due to the number of recruits that month, the 6th Division Recruit Training Battalion was running low on water but a small outbreak of meningitis made hygiene a top priority.  Located in the northernmost part of South Korea, the 6th Infantry Division of the Republic of Korea Army guards a portion the Demilitarized Zone (DMZ) that divides the Korean Peninsula between the North and South.  Wrought with both glory and defeat, the 6th Division is among Korea’s oldest, and due its location and history, has a well-deserved reputation as being one of the roughest.

By law it is required that all able-bodied South Korean men serve in the military for approximately two years. Though the military experience is varied, depending largely on where one is stationed and one’s position, it is rarely looked forward to. I thought having spent most of my life moving from country to country as the son of diplomat would have prepared me for most anything. I realized quickly that I was wrong.
After the six weeks of basic training, I was assigned to Alpha Battery of the 77th Field Artillery Battalion. The battalion maintains eighteen 101A1 towed-howitzers (six per battery) an unsightly piece of machinery, first put to service in the Second World War. The two and a half ton gun required at least five men to lay and fire, everything done manually. The battery consisted of roughly 70 men, few of them college educated, three of the five assigned the battery with me being high school dropouts. Not much was permitted in terms of personal goods. Cell phones, computers and outside clothing were all considered contraband, books and toiletries about the only personal items allowed. The only source of contact with the outside world was letters, a few pay phones and a half-broken TV. Initially, adjusting the rigid hierarchy of the Korean Army was somewhat difficult, my unique background being source of much attention, positive and otherwise. I recall writing in my journal as a Private 2nd Class that this was my “baptism by fire”.
The usual work day consisted of standing post and maintaining the base, which included weeding, cleaning, repairing facilities and keeping the guns in running order. As the Korean Army very rarely contract outside labor, the majority of the manual work was done by the men. Every other month or so there were field exercises, where we would spend several days on field, towing the guns from one position to another (sometimes firing live rounds), setting up perimeters and camp. We would joke that at base we would miss home but on the field, we miss the base. But the one thing from these field exercises that I will never forget is the cold. Spending several days outdoors in temperature ranging from -20 to -30 degrees Celsius is not something to be taken lightly. At points the cold is no longer cold, but becomes so painful and one is met with a morbid desire to cut off one’s digits.
But despite the hardships or because of them rather, the army has permanently changed my perspective. Eating, sleeping, living with men of all backgrounds taught me how truly blessed my upbringing had been. Though my days of manual labor had an end, I realized some men, very possibly many serving in my battery, would spend their whole lives doing similar work. With this came the painful realization that most of my failures were self-inflicted and all the opportunities that I had thrown away were ones never offered to many.
The army also put me in positions where I had no choice but to lead and I found out that I was indeed capable of the quick thinking, organization and decision-making that is required of a leader. As an artillery Section Chief, I was responsible for all aspects of Gun Section 6 including the maintenance and operation of the artillery gun itself as well as the safety, morale and education of the 4~7 men that operated it. When the gun’s towing ring froze in position during a winter field exercise, with careful consideration of the durability of the ring, I ordered my men to turn it by force using a sledge hammer. If not, we would not have been able to tow in the gun to the next location in time and my decision turned out to be the right one.

The person that was conscripted on January 2009 was not the same person that was discharged November 2010. My experiences in the Korean Army have taught me humility, perseverance, and discipline that I might have never known. Gone are the days of self-pity and excuses. With my newfound confidence and outlook I want to become everything that I have the potential to be, and I believe through XXX school of law, I will acquire the crucial skills necessary to make that a reality.

For reference, my undergrad gpa is a pathetic 2.7 and my lsat 170.

[Little_Plastic_Ninja]

Heh. Believe it or not, this is my job right now. I wish I could talk to you in person – I love working with personal statements. Though it sounds dangerously trite, you learn so much about people…

The whole purpose of a personal statement is to sell yourself, to highlight your good points, and to turn your weaknesses into strengths. I don’t know about the LSAT or what a good score looks like for it. Google tells me your score is very good. My undergrad GPA also sucked – it was almost exactly yours, as it happens – and I believe I got into grad school (in the school of architecture, at one of the top schools for architecture in the country) based on my personal statement and my letters of recommendation. It surely didn’t hurt.

I would consider handling your first paragraph a little more gently. You might even play with using humor. It feels very teenaged and dramatic, and while that’s appropriate for what you’re getting across – that you were being, well, teenaged and dramatic – you might want to lighten the tone there somewhat.

I like the transition from that to your undergraduate schooling to your military duty. It’s a clear narrative that the reader can easily follow. I would, however, suggest you spend more time on what you know lawyers can do. Be definite: you say “I have little doubt that brilliant and dedicated legal minds worked to bring about changes in policy and government to pave the way for economic growth.” Who? What did they do? How do lawyers help? What inspired you to become a lawyer? Is there a particular case, a particular lawyer? What kind of lawyer do you want to become?

Finally – and this is something just about everyone does in their statement of purpose – don’t sell yourself short. Law schools are looking for people they can brag about later. You need to be able to brag about yourself now. Don’t say, for example, “I feel now that I am capable of making a change, however small.” Say “I know now that I am capable of making a change” or something similar.

I think what you have is solid. It needs some smoothing out, perhaps, and don’t forget to give a final grammar/punctuation check.

[Kenm]

I grew resentful of that fact that I had no “home”.
dump “of the fact.” It’s redundant.

to see all those different countries
different is redundant

only make me feel even more bitter
“only” is doubtful.

I thought that life was being inflicted on me
“I thought my life” would be better

a two year military term like all able-bodied Korean men
a two-year military term, [comma] like all able-bodied Korean men

look at myself at those times in embarrassment
look at myself in embarrassment at those times — otherwise, it’s the times that are embarrassing.

upper class minority
upper-class minority —you used hyphens in previous double modifiers. Now inconsistence rules.

I didn’t dare dream
What prevented the dare? Dump dare.

Attending High School in Guatemala
Lower-case high school

many with whom I attending school
attended
, having attended school with many of them.

And as that child
dump the “and”

It would be difficult for me
“for me” is redundant

Then college came
new paragraph

Then college came to an end
ended. One word for four.

On January of 2009
In January 2009
In January of 2009

The experienced change me
changed

truly grow
dump “truly.” What else? Falsely?

The army gave two things
new paragraph

previously possessed
“previously” is redundant

I had only compared myself to the wealthy children that attended international schools in a show of immaturity.
you, the other wealthy children or all of you showed immaturity?

After the Korean War
new paragraph

geography and/or resources
geography and resources — it wouldn’t be one or the other

first world nation
fist-world nation — hyphenate the double modifier to retain consistency (there may be others)

however hopeless it may seems now
now is redundant. “seems” must be “seem.” “may” could be dumped with no loss

Now think the complete opposite.
Now I think the opposite. “Complete” is redundant. “Opposite” is an absolute.

to have experienced everything that I have in remote corners of the world
to have experienced in remote corners of the world everything that I have

[Kenm]

I tweaked the above post in a few places, but the edit window closed as I was doing so.

Example:

I thought that life was being inflicted on me
“I thought my life” would be better phraseology.

And at least one typo. Gaudere’s Law and all that.

[Quartz]

I’ve no idea of how you’re supposed to write these things but I would have binned yours after the first two sentences as self-pitying drivel.

Sorry.

That said, it seems to me that you want to study law because the rule of law leads to prosperity as evidenced by South Korea. So start by saying that as your thesis then justify it with the rest of your statement.

BYW in your diversity statement you refer to your unusual background but don’t actually say what that is.

[even_sven]

There are a lot of little grammar things to work on.

Over all, I like it much more than the first draft, but it still could use a lot of work. To begin with, you say you have changed, but how do we know? In personal essays, it’s always show-don’t-tell. Tell a little story that demonstrates your newfound maturity.

You also really need to flesh out what exactly you plan to do with the law degree. I get the idea it is some kind of international development focus…but that could be anything from working with trade regulations of expensive medicines to doing human rights interviews. Where do you want to work, and what do you want to do there? I would cut down the whole “immaturity” story a bit- squeeze it into a few sentences, and then go on to what you want to do with all this direction your life has.

Remember, they won’t force you to do exactly what you said you would. Even if you are not 100% sure of your path forward, it’s probably better to sell a credible path than to risk looking directionless.

And of course, personalize it to each school. Mention specific class you’d like to take “I.e. I’m interested in your trade analysis law because i want to learn how Korea’s increasing trade links with Ethiopia can be made fairer on both sides.” and specific professors you’d be interested in working with.

[Scribble]

You’ve obviously got a lot to offer a law school. That’s clear in both your personal and diversity statements.

Something to keep in mind, though–all of the essays you submit as part of an application are essentially sales pitches. Your statements, as they are now, aren’t written as pitches. They’re more like excerpts from your memoirs, which may not do too well with an admissions committee, even if you’d be a wonderful addition to the student body.

Make your first paragraph an introduction/abstract of the larger statement. Make it very clear, from the very beginning, why you’re exactly what the school needs in its next incoming class. Keep in mind that each person on the admissions staff has what feels to them like a bizillion applications to go through. Making that first paragraph a compelling summary improves your chances that someone in admissions will actually read the rest.

Make your accounts of your experiences, motivations, talents, etc. fit with what that school wants to see. Make sure they know that you chose to apply to that school, in particular, because your interests and goals align with theirs. Keep your focus on your participation and contribution to the program you want to be admitted to. Your personal experiences and stories about your background should all act as evidence in support of the argument that you’re perfect for the school.

Be clear about the career you’re aiming for, and why that particular school is the perfect choice to achieve those goals. (As even sven pointed out, you don’t necessarily need to stick to the goals you’ve outlined in the personal statement. Faculty expect student interests to change as students become more knowledgeable about different areas within their fields.)

Good luck to you!

[Grey_area]

Wow thanks for the great advice everyone. They’re trying to bury me with work at the office so sorry about the late reply.
That cut-by-cut will no doubt come in handy, Kenm, thanks.

@Quartz

I’ve no idea of how you’re supposed to write these things but I would have binned yours after the first two sentences as self-pitying drivel.

No, I’d bin YOUR self-pitying drivel. How about that?

Well the whole point was to demonstrate that I’ve grown out of that. But enough people have commented on that and re-reading it, it does come off a bit more melodramatic than it needs to be.
LittlePlasticNinja, if you were willing to offer some of your time I’d love to talk to you about my PS, maybe through facebook or something. Maybe we can work something out.