Please critique my poem / doggerel

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Personally, I find this magnificent, but as always, one needs critique from more educated peers. So what do you think?

We bring you with this stanza,
A rhythm from some dancer,
With moves like Tony Danza
This grace, we wish to you impart.

The next line is going,
to have ‘fart’ in it, I just know it.
With a sweetness that is not too tart.

Well not if you telegraph it it isn’t!

With the swiftness of a hart.
Cannot keep apart
The dancer and the dance,

cause stirrings in my pants
Will this be a new romance…
or simply leave me in a trance?

Swooning, mooning through the mist
That’s an opportunity I missed.
When I remember those I’ve kissed…
My current wife gets really pissed.

But then she said…
“You’ll soon be dead,”
and shot me in the head.

Here I am, dead and with a headache,
thinking, just for old times sake,
of all the bourbon, and the love I faked,

I was such a snake
When in my youth, I’d walk on by
thinking 'is it real or is it fake?
And then I stepped upon a rake

I screamed and ridiculed myself
How many mistakes can one guy make?!

I walked to the store and bought an orange,
and pondered if I needed a door hinge
This started a hardware binge,
With my money about to singe
You know the drill!

And so, as my friends went off on a binge,
of heavy metal, polka dots and fringe
It came to be that, in a sudden twinge
Their literary skills did infringe,
On a plum bean who did no editing.

¨Sigh¨, they all exhaled,
¨… my tortured lungs raled!¨
I screamed, “FAIL!”
On an 11 on a 1-to-10 scale

So now let’s wail
And shop the sales
And Sent from my SM-G900T,

  • using Tapatalk!

Time for deeze feets to go on a walk
Listen to me, baby, listen to me talk
so I can relay exiting stories,
that never happened,
for you to look at,
and me and curiously gawk

So do the gawk!
Everybody do the gawk!
watch me with your eyes like a hawk

Magnificent! The author said,
repeat after me: “Doggerel”
Say it again: “Doggerel”,
and once more: “Doggerel”

If you cook your sausage in beer,
You’ll will no longer sauerkraut fear.
And if you feel like Richard Gere,
All manly at the new frontier,

And shove small things up your sleeve,
The ace is just a make believe,
Conceived for you to make deceive.

You´re really acting quite naive.

And you dance with extravaganza,
As if you´re really a horse,
in Bonanza.

If you ask me, this should be included in any school curriculum - but of course, I am open to critique.

What say you all?

2

It has several ungrammatical sentences, and this doesn’t seem to be intentional for any kind of effect.

Examples of ungrammatical passages:

“This grace, we wish to you impart”

“With a sweetness that is not too tart.”

“With the swiftness of a hart.”

“So now let’s wail/And shop the sales/And Sent from my SM-G900T,/- using Tapatalk!”

There are also a lot of punctuation problems (missing periods, commas at ends of lines where no comma would be present in prose, inconsistent capitalization).

Also lots of cases where it seems clear you wrote a line based on the first rhyming word that came into your head (for example, the two lines ending with “fake” and "rake’).

3

In poetry, both rhyme and meter
Should be deployed to give the reader
An eager sense of expectation
Directed toward its culmination.

Merely rhyming lines at random
Does not produce the fluid, tandem
Joy of satisfied anticipation.
It is, in short, mere masturbation.

Furthermore a poem should flow
Smoothly from word to word as though
The poet was merely speaking from his heart,
Without pretense or over-labored art.

And lastly, poesy needs momentum.
Its sense not left as an addendum,
Or accident of careless innuendo,
But rather building to crescendo.

You’re writing. Good! That is a start.
But if you would perfect your art,
You must attend to both sense AND song.
Hope this helps! Good luck! So long!

4

Bravo, Hamster King, bravo!

5

Thank you so much for your feedback - I shall take this into consideration, amend my writings, and perhaps re-submit for your future enjoyment.

Your input has been much appreciated.

6

A poem of Love is what you seek…!
Perfumed Romance (All Framed in Teak)
Your thoughts betrayed by what you’d say…
Confusion wrought will win this day.
Minutes of Mirth, Lifetime to Pay…
Silence…! So VERY Strong (yet Meek)

7

If brevity is the soul of wit,
then your doggerel is full of [del]dung[/del] [del]crap[/del] [del]feces[/del] [del]poop[/del] [del]shite[/del] [del]feculence[/del] … Aw, screw it!