I’ve been trying to develop my songwriting craft and expand my writing into different styles.
The majority of my lyrics tend to be fairly personal - relationships & the lack thereof, hopes, fears, etc.
I’ve been trying to stretch my wings a bit, and write in different genres, and explore different themes. Recently I’ve been writing on political topics. I’d love to hear some critique and criticism of these lyrics I’ve come up with. They’re certainly disillusioned and cynical, but I’m not trying to push one particular viewpoint or agenda.
So have at it. And please, be honest - I’ve got a thick skin. However, I do ask that you keep your politics out my thread, regardless of whether or not I agree with them. If it’s not germane to a point of criticism, I don’t care to hear it in this discussion.
All my critiques boil down to “Tel me something I don’t know, and clean up the meter while you’re at it!” Right now, I’d be tempted to change the title to “Dog Bites Man and Brussels Sprouts Taste Awful.” Maybe the tune is killer?
Yeah, on reading it anew I can see what you’re saying. When I sing, I often sacrifice strict meter on the vocal line for the sake of rhythmic inflections on top of the accompaniment. So when I sing it, it flows nicely, and pushes and pulls across the straight music line, but without the benefit of the music, it reads a bit off-meter in places.
Are there any specific passages you think are awkward, or is it an overall feel?
Regarding the title you suggested - do you feel that this piece is more an indictment of the media, or the political system, or something else? I had a specific I was trying to get across when I wrote it, and I’m curious to see how on or off the mark I was.
I think you need to go easy on the cliches in favour of more specific targets, and unmix those metaphors…
Fat cats living up on Capitol Hill {Which fat cats? Do they actually live there?}
While the crooked corporations are footing the bill {Which corporations are crooked? “Crooked corporations foot bill for fat cats” mixes at least three metaphors}
Every player’s a shark {Another mixed metaphor}, gonna take a little bite {The players bite, or the sharks? I thought sharks took big bites}
There’s blood in the water {Whose? The players? The sharks? The fat cats? The crooked corporations? Another as yet unspecified party or parties?}
and the fishing’s alright. {Now I’m lost. Who is fishing for what? Assuming the fat cat crooked corporation player sharks are in a feeding frenzy, albeit one of small bites, is there yet another party wielding a fishing rod? If so, wouldn’t he be the good guy?}
You did say to pull no punches, and please don’t take this as a personal attack, but can you see how the lyrics don’t stand much real scrutiny? I’m not getting any meaning out of this, just a jumble of banalities.
I’ve taken the liberty of rewriting the first verse: the sentiments are much the same, but I’ve tried to keep the metaphors and the meter consistent {however, feel free to rip it to shreds}:
Plutocrats are dining up on Capitol Hill
Fingers dipped in grease after dipping in the till
All the tables sniff it, want to take a great big bite
The food is for the diners but the staff work through the night
Overall feel. The things I find entertaining about music or poetry are a secondary consideration; there’s a real lack of craft at work in favor of spewing your visceral rage onto the stage.
I think you want to be daring and controversial, but the notion that politicians are corrupt and in it for their own gain is as old as politics itself. “Dog Bites Man” is the archetypal headline you’l never see, because it ain’t news. It’s the ultimate obvious conclusion, so obvious it rarely gets a second thought. Biting is what dogs do, and man is what they do it to. “Brussels Sprouts Taste Awful.” Same thing. Basically, the lyrics aren’t about the shortcomings of our political system, they’re about someone who was wide-eyed and optimistic about them until yesterday–you–suddenly noticing that there’s a problem. One might expect your next song to be about how cold-hearted the woman you want (but can’t have) is.
I think I’d like this more if it were, say, from the point of view of an idealistic public servant who is getting his first taste of his own corruption.
I’d start over from scratch with this, take some fresher approach, before performing it in front of an audience, that’s all I’m saying.