Tell Me What You Think Of My Songs (lyrics)

Cafe Society
1

here are two of my songs, id like your honest oppinion on them please . . .

Each More Day I Live

Each more day I live
I seem to fall apart
Love is crushing my fucking heart
And I can’ take it any more

Every day I see you
It hurts me to believe in you
It hurts to say good bye
Why can’t we just be together?
Fucking why?

My cold heart grows colder
As each time I miss you grows forever
Each time I’m with you, my mind goes number
My heart grows colder, my mind goes number, and my love grows older

Tell me why I even bother
Tell me why I even try
I can’t see past the dark, the dark that is love, that is my heart

Each more day I live
I seem to fall apart
Love is crushing my fucking heart
And I can’ take it any more

You are what I lived for
You’re what made me whole
I don’t understand any more
You’re gone, save my soul

Open Door

Kill me while I sleep tonight
Nothing matters any more
I will not fight
Nor love forever more

Death is like an open door
Waiting for me to walk through
Life has shut its eyes on me
Living is the biggest flaw

Nothing more does life hold for me
Now I’m pathetic and lonely
Why do I even try or bother
She is what held my world together

As life seems empty
Darkness is all that’s left for me
Life is now a living hell
From happiness I have fell
There shall be no more mercy

Nothing matters anymore
Death, an open door
Awaits my arrival
Living is the biggest flaw

Darkness is all that’s left for me
She, my sorrow and misery
Is the only light that I can see

Kill me while I sleep tonight
Nothing matters any more
Death is an open door
I will not fight

thanx a lot guys, n gals.

2

You show potential, a bit depressing but when ur singing bout getting ur heart shattered into pieces how could it not be, keep going, u will improve, mayb u should start trying to write guitar riffs for them???, n e way happy writting great work

3

“Songs” aren’t “songs” unless there’s music. Anyone can write some nice phrasings but, put it to meter and see what you’ve got.

Words without music is called “poetry”.

I don’t like poetry so, it would be unfare of me to cast my judgement of your words.

4

Honestly? Sounds like pure, unadulterated teen angst. The stuff that’s not interesting once you hit about 19 and that you’ll be embarrassed to look back on in a few years.

Sorry. I dunno if you lack the life experience to write anything else or if you just need to rein in the “i wanna die the world sucks so bad” stuff - but this isn’t gonna do it for anyone. If kinda dark, depressing subject matters interest you, look carefully at other lyrics and you’ll see better how to approach it without sounding quite so damn whiny.

5

Is that rap? Country? Jazz? How should I be “singing” those words in my head?

Because I heard the first one as Linkin Park (specifically “In The End” but, really, don’t they all sound the same?) and the second as the newest Nickelback single (“Someday” or something but, again, they all sound pretty much the same…).

I will say that if these songs are based on your real life and this girl really does exist, she’s not worth it. You’re probably young (I’d guess in the 14-16 range, although I could certainly be wrong) so don’t go wasting all your time and energy on some chick. That’s my honest opinion.

I’ll give you some serious credit for having the balls to even post this. Opening yourself and your work to the public isn’t easy, especially when you’re asking for that public’s “honest oppinion”. I hope the things that are said here (or not said, for that matter) don’t discourage you from your work.

6

What Excalibre said. I probably would’ve loved songs with lyrics like that when I was 19. Now–eh, if it sounds good, I’d listen to it more than once.

7

Moving this to Cafe Society.

8

I concur in applauding your guts in posting this. Bravo! The Dopers can be a rough crowd.

At the risk of sounding too old to live, is there any way for you to express your despair/frustration/anger without saying “fuck”? I understand that the harshness of the word is indicative of your mood, (or, more properly, the mood of the speaker), but it’s a little off-putting. Believe me, there are ways of letting us in on how you feel without driving us out of the room, rap lyrics notwithstanding.

Keep on writing, and thanks for letting us in on your work. (And if, as I guess most of us are assuming, the lyrics are based on your feelings in the present moment, I hope you find your way out of the dark. If the only thing that keeps you hanging in there is morbid curiosity about what fresh hell lurks around the corner, then so be it. Just hang in there and keep writing.)

9

The music really matters here, also what’s you intended audience demographic? As others have indicated, by themselves your lyrics come off mostly as adolescent moaning, but there have been great songs with disjoint lyrics because the music pulled it together.

Your lyrics do seen kind of well… (and don’t take this wrong way it’s just my opinion, you could be a lyrical miracle for all I know) a bit clumsy, in the sense of somebody trying to express themselves that can’t use language very well. There’s little if any interesting imagery or grace or even a “story” in the structure, it’s mainly just a lot of repetitive pissing and moaning. You need to tell a story about something.

Here’s some partial lyrics from various artists that scaffold the song for the music

10

I’m sure there are others, but Everything2 is a great place to get your writing critiqued (and learn some cool stuff, too). I’m an editor there, and I’ve got seven years of poetry writing (and several very amateur editing positions) under my belt; take my opinion with as many grains of salt as you wish. My opinion on your writing – and that’s just the lyrics – is that they’re a good draft, but they’re a brain dump. It doesn’t look like you rewrote these after the first or second try. Don’t feel that the emotion is somehow going to disappear if you rewrite; the work will get better, even if it isn’t as “raw”. What do I mean by “raw”? You’ve got some inconsistencies in your meter; your use of repetition within lines doesn’t seem to have a focus. You rhymed “older” and “colder”, which isn’t forbidden, but it has been done a few times. There are lots of articles you can read about cleaning up drafts . If you want your writing to stand out, you’re going to need to do some rewrites.

Now: I gave you the crappy news to give you the good news. It takes a lot of balls to get up in front of any kind of crowd and pour yourself out there. Posting online, reading & singing at a coffeehouse, and sending in actual paper copies is brutal. Until you get the experience to be able to turn a critical eye on your own work, having other people steer you in the right direction (and getting the confidence to keep asking!) is a great way to sharpen your pencil.

11

Oh, God, just what Everything2 needs - it doesn’t have anywhere near enough angsty poetry as it is. :frowning:

12

Excalibre, you know that if it’s truly horrible, it gets critiqued by some really excellent writers (yourself included). Even angsty poetry gets feedback from some seriously good writers. Igloowhite is a college poetry professor; JohnnyGoodyear writes professional columns for a magazine; jessicapierce is a novelist among other things; iceowl works in Antarctica as a technical writer; Lucy-S had a column published that made the front page of Slashdot. They’re good writers, and posting poetry (angsty or not) there gets you feedback from people who know writing.

13

It hurts to say good bye

You can do it. Keep trying.
Tell me why I even bother
Tell me why I even try

Wish I could.

Kill me while I sleep tonight

Gladly.

14

I’m reminded of the scene in Singin’ in the Rain where Don Lockwood, when obliged to provide servicable dialogue in a romantic scene, simply repeats “I Love You I Love You I Love You I Love You I Love You I Love You” over and over again.

It’s not enough to be sincere, or to bare your heart out in your words (both of which are clearly evident in your contribution). What’s essential is something unexpected–an interesting image, a memorable turn-of-phrase, a developing arc, or unexpected flashes of humor or playfulness (especially in songs that are downbeat).

Your expression of feelings (while obviously heartfelt) is too literal, too obvious. Creative writing often puts some responsibility on the reader/listener to interpret meaning from the words, especially when you’re dealing with universal emotions. The sentiments you’re expressing aren’t exactly new–that’s why it’s necessary to provide a perspective that’s different/provocative/original, not just personal. Otherwise, you risk a Been-There-Heard-That reaction.

Thanks for posting and good luck with your continued efforts. :slight_smile: