Critique my song lyrics. Suggest changes

Cafe Society
1

Ok, so besides some crappy attempts at poetry in high school english classes, I haven’t touched the stuff. Usually, I think of cool one-liners that’d be cool in a song or poem and quickly dismiss/forget them. Since I started writing them down, I’ve been much more inspired.

Read these lyrics. They haven’t been put to a melody yet, but I’ve got a general idea of it. It’s mostly iambic (- ’ - ', " - ’ -). There’s a pause after every line. The highest pitch comes in the middle of the line and is maybe an eighth note long. The first two lines of the triplets are quick, the last, longer.
TEARS ON THE ENDS

V1:

Hospital, Late October
Stood by a man, looked cold and sobered
Slowly, he puffed smoke into the air
Solemnly he inched closer
His voice weak, his tone somber
Whispered to me, there’s something I need to share

Sorry to bother you, but I
Need someone to talk to, and I’m
Sorry, I’m just trying not to cry
I promise you I’ll keep it short
Bed 33, maternity ward
My baby son threatens my wife’s life.

CHORUS:

Birth and Death bookend our lives
Two events, intertwined
Might come as a bit of a surprise
That as we’re born, we’re made to cry
Then tears fall from our eyes
For our loved ones when they say goodbye

V2:

So far I’ve turned to God in prayer, but he’s
Sent no relief from my despair, So I
Turn to a stranger from the street.
I don’t wish for any pity
I have no need of your sympathy
Buddy, spare a miracle for me?

Cuz I think I’m a little short
And it seems you’re my last resort
Can’t you see I’m desperate?
Please, anything you can do, I wouldn’t
Ask if I didn’t need you to.
I’m not done loving her yet

[CHORUS]

V3:

He said I look a little like her
She had those freckles when she was younger
Another life, I might have been her brother
It was college when he met her
His Junior year, she’d just transferred
From then he knew he’d never love another

He said “In you, I can confide.”
Then he asked if I’d come inside
Help bear the news of his bride
Doctor comes, stares at his chart
Like and actor that hates his part
Offers simply, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

[CHORUS]

2

Oh come on. Seriously? No one has a comment?

::sigh::

Bump

3

Well, I think they sound pretty good, although it doesn’t sound like the kind of song I’d want to listen to if I was feeling depressed… also, reading song lyrics separate from music is usually sort of dodgy, since they’re not generally intended to stand by themselves.

But yes, you seem to have done a good job of capturing this vignette.

4

IMO, the hook should be “I’m not done loving her yet.” That’s the encapsulation of the whole thing and deserves repetition.

YMMV but I’d avoid the “Royal We” thing:

Birth and Death bookend our lives

and

That as we’re born, we’re made to cry

and

For our loved ones when they say goodbye

IOW change “our” and “we.” The listener will make that leap for you and be allowed to participate.

I was talking to my niece (Doctor of Music) and I said, "It’s incredible to me that Elton John wrote the music and Bernie Taupin wrote the lyrics…separately, from what I understand. Bernie didn’t recite peppy lyrics for Elton till Elton wrote the music for “Crocodile Rock,” and Elton didn’t play emotional chords till Bernie gave him the lyrics to “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.”

IOW I wouldn’t sweat the meter too much because the music can be easily altered to suit it.

Overall I like it, though it feels long. I know you aren’t necessarily looking for a smash hit record but to sustain the interest musically, more lyrics will be more difficult. I’d consider Poe’s “every word toward a pre-conceived effect.”

I’ll try to come back later with fresh eyes.

5

For me it doesn’t work. I just don’t get neither the rythm nor the rhyme, and the multitude of words seem to try to compensate the lack of tension in the lines, in my mind. Sorry for being harsh considering the content, but lines like

and several images, like

is just too cliche, as I read it.

Obviously there’s a touching story here you want to tell, and I believe you could tell it in a way that touches my heart too, but these lyrics don’t reach me.

Just this guy’s opinion, I sincerely hope you don’t feel discouraged.

6

Not at all. So how would you change it then? That’s what I’m looking for, mostly.

7

Hey there Chessic. I’m no lyricist or writer, just a guy who enjoys good songs/lyrics.

For me, the opening two parts that I’ve quoted above, just didn’t work at all. It was too much like you were telling a story directly. That might be fine for a country and western song, where you can spell out the background to the story that is to play out, but it’s a little bit hokey. In my opinion, you’d be better off trying to tell the story by distilling the key emotions/events with the most emotive phrases you can dig up, while discarding all the chaff. The ambiguity that remains will also allow other interpretations, or allow the listener to fill in the situational blanks with whatever best suits them. If you could provide the framework, without actually spelling the whole thing out, it would improve a lot.

As an example, have a look at how Live handles a similar theme in their song “Lightning Crashes”.

8

What I really wanted to do was look not at this guy’s situation, but his mind. At first, he’s just letting it out, as if he’s just let reality set in. Next, he’s begging for some help despite it being a crazy request. Lastly, he’s accepted it and just wants some comfort and support. So it’s sorta a stages-of-grief thing; anger, then bargaining, then acceptance.

The reason it’s a story and not just a narrative is because I’ve been thinking of writing songs that revolve around an unnamed traveller. The verses tell of an experience he/she’s had while the chorus tells what effect it’s had on him- some truth of the universe that they’ve come to realize.

I do agree that it’s too wordy though. BTW, it is a country song- or at least a soft rock song.