With a friend of mine. Here it is.
“On and On”
Cowritten by Hatchett and Morris
Verse 1
Your love is gone, gone
You left at dawn, dawn
Your suitcase on the lawn, lawn
But I don’t care cause I will move on
Chorus:
On and on, I don’t need you
On and on, my heart will leave you
{Repeat 2 times}
Cause I’m moving on
End Chorus
Verse 2
If you come back
I’m not gonna care
You had your chance
Don’t say it’s unfair
You took my heart
Like a pear
and you smashed it
everywhere
Chorus
Verse 3
you broke my heart in two
You left me feeling blue
Now go, just walk away
Just leave me now don’t stay
At the end, I just gotta say
You’ll be alone on Valentine’s Day
Chorus
Fade out
Comments?
I suppose it could be made into a country ballad. Was that what you had in mind?
We wrote it as sort of a fast rock song for the broken-hearted.
I guess if you sound like “DethKlok” you could make it work.
Well, to be honest with you, it lacks meter. Meter is the poetic equivalent of rhythm. None of the versus has the same number of lines or even the same flow. There are percussive breaks with “dawn, dawn” and “gone, gone” in the first verse that aren’t replicated in others. That’s not to say that phrasing them would be impossible, but it’s a problem. I think the metaphor about the pear is a bit odd. Taking a heart like a pear doesn’t really evoke anything, and that’s setting aside the dangling term “pear”: is it meant to say “taking a heart like a pear does” or “taking a heart that is like a pear”? (Bernie Taupin did a similar thing in Goodbye Yellow Brick Road — “sniffing for tidbits like you on the groooouuunnnnd.” Does it mean “sniffing for tidbits the way you do” or “sniffing for tidbits that are like you”?.) I have to say the ending is weak also. Valentine’s Day? It’s really not much of a threat, and besides, she left you according to the first verse. Finally, please don’t just fade out at the end. End your song on the tonic note or chord, or else something haunting like a five-chord (no third) dominate.
Sorry. 