Unsung, the songs he sings.
Unknown, the hope he brings.
Until the end of life,
Until the the end of strife
Unheard, the angels’ wings.
Let go, his unheard cry.
Let be, the old reply.
Let none escape their fate,
Let none e’er pass the gate.
Let die, and pass it by.
Fear not, the voice replies.
Hear not, the words unwise.
Steer clear the sad demise
Near dark will not disguise
Peer out, through all the lies.
That’s it.
What do you think, and what do you think it means - I haven’t a clue.
The flow of the poem could use some work. When I am reading it I feel as if the writer wanted the lines to Rise , then fall , then rise again on the next line. However to me it is as if the line just falls dead and then I am required to climb a ladder to the top of the next line. It is just very abrasive.
As for the meaning , I am not in the mood right now to sit and analyze it , but it was once said that if you know the meaning of a poem the writer has insulted you.
Interesting is to read it without the first part of each line. New outlook.
Well, you’ve got iambic trimeter down, don’t you? Rhythmically, the poem is very even. Too even and too lulling. I’d prefer it if you’d give a little rhythmic interest here and there. Except for possibly Robert Frost’s “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening,” I can’t think of any English poem off the top of my head that is so metronomical. Something about the rhythm reminds me of Poe, even. Perhaps it’s all the strong monosyllabic words and masculine rhymes.
That said, I don’t particularly like this poem. It’s too general and imageless. I don’t know what it’s trying to say, and I vehemently disagree with the idea that if you know what a poem is about the writer has insulted you. C’mon, now. There are, of course, many subtleties and multiplicities of meaning in great poetry, but to state that if on first account you get a basic idea of what a poem is about, then that poem’s author is insulting you is absurd. (Sorry for the verbose sentence.) Read Shakespeare’s sonnets or Frost or Seamus Heaney or Poe and tell me that the primary meaning of these poems are enigmatic. They’re not.
However, you do seem to have a nice insight into the rhythms and sounds of the language. OK, the rhythm and the rhymes lack subtlety, but at least you are aware of them. That’s more than I can say of most wannabe poets. The AABBA rhyme of the first two stanzas; the repeating "un-"s and "let"s; the AAAAA rhyme of the last stanza with the initial words also rhyming AAAAA.
Something about the last stanza lacks finality for me. Even though the rhyme scheme has changed, it doesn’t sound like a closing cadence. Perhaps something like AAABB would work better, if not being a bit traditional.
OK, upon further review, it seems you are going for the hypnotic effect. And you have achieved it. However, there’s a lack of memorable imagery and meaning that would take this poem to the next level, if you’d forgive the cliche.
Just my pennies…
Ahem, of course the rhyme scheme should be rendered as:
AABBA CCDDC EEEEE
Of course, as for meaning, the first thing that struck me was that it’s about Jesus Christ, although not every line in the poem agrees with this assessment. If you take into account that until the death of Christ, heaven’s gates were “closed for business” you can sorta eke out that meaning from the poem.
Or, it’s some guy coming to terms with death.
I was not stating that if you know the meaning of a poem the writer has insulted you. Just offering a poke in the side comment not to be taken seriously.
On a side note I see you are located in Budapest. My parents came to The United States from there I plan on visiting soon. I dont know , just hardly see people online from there.
If I were the English Lit prof, I’d give ya a** B+.
**
details upon request,
TN*hippie
I agree with pulykamell, for the most part, except that I actually kind of like it. Well enough, anyway—I’m not generally a huge fan of poetry.
My only additional comment would be the use of the word “e’er.” I know it’s a time-honored poetic convention and all, but to me it seems awfully contrived.
Not trying to be a jerk, but I think it’s the board’s policy not to make available unpublished works for comment or critique. I recall a mod shutting down a thread a couple of weeks ago for just such a thing.
galen ubal wrote:
My dilemma is that you didn’t say whether this was your poem or not. If it’s someone else’s, then this thread is suspiciously akin to asking us to do your homework. If the poem is yours, and you confess to having no idea what it means, then you should come back when you do. It is the author’s job to excercise authorial intention before expecting the reader to go looking for it.
I’ll assume for the moment that this is your own work, and that it was intended as an excercise in technique. Well, near as I can tell, you’ve got it. For many people this is the hard part, but it doesn’t look like it’s giving you any trouble. The easy part is having something to say. So there’s your next step.
Yes, it’s my work - sorry I didn’t make that clearer.
The general consensus seems to be that I’ve got the technique down (iambic trimeter - whoda thunk it?) but the message is lacking. That’s not surprising, in a way. The first couple of lines came to me, and after that, I pretty much went the way the rhyme and rhythm took me.
I’m not sure if it means anything, other than an expression of my mood at the time that I wrote it. Sort of an expression of “it feels like I’m invisible, but that’s not the way it really is or always will be.”
Thanks for your thoughts.