(The scene: me at work)
Hi, honey. Just calling to ask if you needed me to pick up anything at the store on the way home. No, I haven’t been smoking. No, you can’t smell it over the phone.
What’s that? She wants to talk. That’s great, but I’m a little busy. I was just calling to ask. . .don’t put her on.
Wait, no, my boss is. . .
Hi Sweetheart! How are you?
You ate what?
You have to speak up, sweetie. Put your mouth up to the phone.
That was an impressive burp. Hey, are you trying to put the phone in your mouth? That wasn’t what I meant. . .
Shit, my boss is coming.
No, sweetheart. Don’t repeat that word. Daddy shouldn’t have said it. He was just. . .surprised. No, don’t sing it. Do I hear mommy yelling. . .
Hello, sir. Yeah, just taking a phone call. I’ll be right with you. You don’t have to wait. No, it won’t take long. Sure, have a seat.
(Whispering) Pumpkin, I have to go. I love you too. Yes, I’ll bring home some candy. Let me talk to mommy.
(Boss is eyeing me, a smirk on his face.)
A frog, you say? Let me talk to mommy.
Spongebob? Great. Let me talk to mommy.
A song about poop. Wonderful. Let me talk to mommy!
(Boss’ now laughs. The jig is up. I don’t bother whispering anymore.)
Sweetheart, I love you, it’s good to talk to you, Daddy loves hearing from his beautiful little girl. Now, let me talk to mommy.
Hi, honey. No, we had a wonderful conversation. Makes me glad I’m a dad. I’m never too busy to talk to my little girl. Yes, I shouldn’t have said “shit.” I’ll see you at home.