Please help me to be pretentious!!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

OK, I’ve figured it out; I’m gonna be a paleo-beatnick pretentious Persona (in reference, of course, to the Bergman film.)

I already have my black and white horizontal striped boat-neck pullover, black pants, black socks and black loafers (sans penny, of course.) If I had more hair, less gut and no beard I would look EXACTLY like Ken Kesey. (unfortunately, with the beard and gut I look like a middle-aged mime with no makeup or beret - but I’m working on it.)

I feel I must explain to the slower readers that this does not, in any way, relate to the neo-beatnick/coffeeshop wannabes that are so late 90s. I shan’t be seen within sneering distance of a Starbucks, Caribou, or other mass-produced coffee hawker. When I pay $3.94 for a coffee, you can be damn sure that the beans were hand picked by indigenous persons directly out of the ferret dung - not processed with chemicals having names that begin with greek letters (alpha- hydroxy whatever) or a string of numbers, letters and prefixes(2,4- DNP Tetradipropyl snotoxide).

Further, my coffee will be like my women - strong and bitter. Face it, nobody truly enjoys iced coffee, espresso, latte, cappuccino, frappaccino, crappiccino, or any of the related coffee-come-lately versions. I understand that there are some people who will always drink these Coffee Seed Demon Spawn in a desparate attempt to fit into what they believe to be popular society, I hope that they will soon realize that this pop-culture is merely an house of cards, destined to be destroyed and rebuilt in a different style as soon as the prevailing breeze of trendiness shifts.

For me it’ll be Coffee, Java, Joe, Liquid Boot Black, that’s all (if offered, I’ll take a cup of Columbian-I would never purchase it.)myself.) And I’ll take it straight. And hot. Damn hot. I want you to take steam, drop it 1 degree until it condenses and then use it to make the coffee. Anything less and I’ll simply pour the mug out towards my left side, no questions asked. I don’t care if I’m in your hole-in-the-wall coffeehouse listening to fresh poets going stale with each droning monosyllabic word or visiting your dying mother and sitting on her white sofa to the right of her cherished Persian cat.

I’d explain more, but I doubt you’d appreciate…

S. Pritle Comthistle-Comthistle III, Ph.D, Esq. RPB.

62

Just remember, the number of knobs is never really less than one :smiley:

63

these kuzma turntables i’m auditioning made an honest try at capturing the angst and ennui of my bad brains plattes| off to Chicoutimi | kisses|

Be oh so careful Spritle, pretentiousness is as fun and addictive as irony, soon you’ll be doing it all the time without noticing. Commit now or walk away!

64

Of course, damning with “faint praise” is fine for practice, but only feigned praise will do among one’s pretentious acquaintances.

And Ich Bin’s: you should know that the weight should never be placed on top of the CD player. The proper way to prepare your CD player is to set it on a chunk of milled granite, not less than 200 kg. And it should accept voice commands in Court Mandarin.

65

Also one might insinuate employance of the lexeme “we”(id est, the royal “I”) in such permitting circumstances.

And I noticed someone mentioned a scooter for transporation. Better yet, get a Segway. (Although, I’m not really sure if it fits with the type of pretension you’re currently aiming for.

66

Talk about coming to the right place! The SDMB must have the highest density of pretentious posters on the entire internet!

Still, those know-it-all pedants do provide some funny reading material :slight_smile:

67

We only seem pretentious to someone of such obviously substandard upringing and base social mores like yourself. :wink:

68

Syzygy,

But what kind of milled granite? You’re not using Cold Spring Green Granite, are you? My, we must have so much sibilance floating about that we can afford to just give it away… No, my dears, Ich Bin’s CD player is suspended in an underground concrete bunker resting on a bed of oil, floating in a vat of vibration-isolation-inducing SuperSaline © surrounded by a faraday cage. Of course I replaced the opamps with AD825 opamp modules and swapped out the quartz crystal clock oscillator with an LClockXO.

(insert smiley here.)

69

Spritle, if you want to go for intellectual pretentiousness, I can send you a few issues of Mensa’s national newsletter and appropriate links to the DC area group. I suggest you look for the dullest soundest gatherings attend them, and listen carefully for tips on the best way to sound pretentious. Espousing opinions on how high IQ is incompatible with religious faith and discoursing on the suffering of the highly intelligent should help you a great deal. Use as many polysylabic terms as you possibly can, claim expertise on a relatively obscure subject without having any (I can coach you on Japanese haiku), and refuse to back down even when faced with someone who actually has such expertise. You get bonus points for making up obscure sources no one can track down, especially in languages other than English.

Just one piece of advice. If you decide to go this route, avoid Mensa Regional Gatherings at all costs. Pretentious types are gently discouraged (read “run screaming”) which means people actually have fun. Go as esoteric as you possibly can.

May Dame Fortune cast her beneficient rays on your endeavour,
CJ
Oh yes. You’re in America – use extra u’s as often as poussible (Ok, not that often), and fake a vaguely British accent.

70

I understand Voltaire organized his laundry along those lines.

71

I trust that by “beard” you’re referring to a vandyke, of course. If not, I suggest you get to shaving. And you might want to cut back on the last names un peu, as it’s beginning to sound like a Monty Python sketch. That’s geek pretentious instead of true pretentious, clearly not what you’re seeking.

72

I’m English. Every time I visit my spiritual homeland, the US, I find that just speaking with a normal English accent can sound terribly pretentious. Especially if one includes the occasional European phrase. So you could try mastering a ‘posh’ English accent.

Also, don’t overlook the “Pretentious, moi?” opportunities in your choice of bathrom decor. In Italy I met one woman who had a perfect replica of Mantegna’s Ceiling with Oculus from the Camera Picta, Castello di San Giorgio in Mantua. Just in case you don’t know, dahhlings, this is a very famous example of tromp l’oeil illusion painting in which the viewer, looking up, apparantly sees a circular opening in the ceiling complete with sky, clouds and cherubs. This was reproduced perfectly on the ceiling directly over the toilet.

You can see how just being able to talk about it is the very height of pretentiousness, especially if you take the trouble to pronounce tromp l’oeil correctly (and even spelling it correctly is a bit of a challenge, frankly).

I have another friend whose wife decided she would re-decorate their toilet entirely with murals in the style of Hokusai, the Jap guy who did the very stylised renderings of tidal waves or tsunami. And there’s another good word to learn to spell or pronounce correctly.

[sub]Can you even begin to imagine how much proof-reading and previewing I’ve put into this post?[/sub]

73

Patience, Grasshopper. The Master say, on day of confirmation, cannot necessarily expect Pope to be the one sprinkling the water.

74

Actually, I think you need to go more obscure on your coffee. The “beans picked out of dung” is a little too much of a joke - plus it’s more of the “ruling class oppressing the masses” type of pretentiousness that beatnik pretentious.

I think your beatnik persona should go for something trés ethnic, such as lebanese coffee. Then you can expound on how the natives of the so-and-so tribe have been preparing coffee like this since 1248 AD, and how the warmth of the cardamom compliments the smoky bitter tang of the coffee.

75

You can start by having the help bring me a tomato sandwich.

76

I frequent a couple of NYC goth parties & have found a fair number of my fellow partiers to be rather ostentatious, so I’ll inform you as to the proprieties of that subculture. Visit one for a more hands-on learning experience.

When you do visit, dress to impress. This means, at the very least, black. All black. Your costume really should be vinyl & either very skimpy or very dramatic, if you’re going to bother at all. Don’t forget the high-heeled boots, especially if you’re a tall, effeminate-looking man - the height requirement for male cross dressers is that they be at least 7’ tall . If you truly wish to be a goth to whom all others look for style help, wear all white.

When out on the dance floor, never move in an up-tempo, bouncy fashion, even if that’s what’s indicated by the beat. Make languorous, dramatic moves with your upper body; arch back as if you’re swooning, bend forward with your hands on your temples as if overcome by a migraine, then spin slowly around. Don’t sing along to any lyrics.

An air kiss will do when you’re introduced to someone, & if you get to be “on the inside”, remember to gossip.

You must smoke, and if you order a drink such as a vodka & cranberry or a martini, it must be “an Absolut & cranberry” or a 'Tanqueray martini".

And for chrissakes, don’t smile too much!

(Truthfully, it’s not that bad :). It’s like anywhere else; you get some assholes, but you get some cool people as well. And almost no one cares what you wear :))

77

There are so many levels of pretentiousness. The modern-day beatnik appears here in globs, but what about a symbol of the current day political scene?

That would mean you would be Republican, conservative, not about to save third world countries, the environment, the ocean or even the atmosphere, care only about yourself and your stocks and bonds, watch Walker: Texas Ranger without even considering the violence contained therein, drive the biggest, gas-guzzling vehicle you can find, hunt animals in canned hunts or to the brink of extinction, weep at tenthouse revivals or watching Pat Robertson or some other suitable bible-thumping revivalist, and basically kick the people who come up to you and ask for handouts. To me, that is the true height of modern day pretentiousness.

Oh–if you want to be snooty instead of post-modern beatnik, drive a Volvo.

78

Abandon the game before you’re caught playing: Andy Warhold said something to the effect, Knocking the middle class – that’s so middle class.

79

If you want low-end pretentious, I refer you to Louis Rukeyser of Wall Street Week.

For mid-range pretension, I recommend William F. Buckley’s* Firing Line* programs.

For world-class ultra pretension, you must study the public appearances of Henry Kissinger. Or Martha Stewart. They’re essentially the same person.

The question that must be asked before treading down this path is, do you have the resources to be TRULY, MONUMENTALLY pretentious?

If you do, you MUST have an entourage of at least 3; a personal assistant, an appointment coordinator (a chef may be substituted), and a pilot.

There is no shame, of course, in being pretentious and of middle-class income. It’s merely boring. Therefor, if that is your condition, you must never reveal it. Your pretentions should be outward-oriented contempt for the possessions or achievements of others, rather than inward-oriented smugness about your own possessions or achievements.

80

“Help you to become pretentious? Moi? Oh my dear fellow, really!”

[Walks off with little condescending laugh]