ianzin has the right idea – you’d best start on cultivating your faux-European accent immediately. Upper-crust Brit is best, but German or French will do in a pinch. To be truly unique, you might try on a Hungarian or possibly an Estonian. Whatever you do, don’t let anyone know that you were born in a Michigan hospital named after an obscure American President, and that your mother’s maiden name was McGillacutie.
…With a spoon in them! 
.:Nichol:.
Dogs: not Labs or Goldens, because every upper middle class wannabe twentysomething and thirtysomething has one. Poodles look and act pretentious, but they scream late middle-aged blue collar housewife or “colorful” guy. Gotta’ get something obscure, yet not something that Bubba would have sitting under his porch. Pulis, Spinones, Portuguese Water Dogs, Briards, and Kerry Blue Terriers are good; it should at least look like a distinct breed, and not mutt-like such as a Caanan Dog. Better yet, find a breed so obscure that it isn’t recognized by the AKC, like the Spanish Water Dog or Lagotto Romanaglo; it should still be FIC recognized, though. Avoid North Carolina Coonhounds; if you must have a hound, go for the Otterhound, which is dead last on the AKC recognized breed popularity list.
Computers: definitely a Macintosh. A fully loaded PC won’t suffice, and a bling-bling modded box with blue neon … definitely not.
Cars: Always European, but not something like a high-end BMW or Mercedes. It’s best to find a brand that’s not sold in the United States anymore, like an Alfa Romeo or Puegeot. Used models in good condition are relatively inexpensive, but they speak volumes about the person behind the wheel. A grey market model … even better. If you must have an SUV, go for a Pinzgauer or a Mercedes Gelaendewagen. No personalized license plates or bumper stickers, either, unless is a pseudo-Euro oval sticker identifying your place of residence.
Television: for some reason, the pretentious love high-end audio equipment, but they could care less about having top-of-the-line video equivalents. A disproportionately large number of pretentious folks I know have 1980s era Sony Trinitrons. An old Trinitron, especially one with a 19" screen (20" in Canada), says that you recognize quality, but you don’t watch television enough to care about having the very latest or greatest gear. Large screen televisions are very blue-collar; avoid 'em.
Audio gear: separates, definitely. The more obscure the brand, the better. If it’s made in the US or the UK, even better. Nothing like Dolby, no home theater … the fewer features, the better. Amps should have visible tubes. You have to throw in at least one piece of vintage gear, like a 1960s era Macintosh tuner, a reel-to-reel deck (preferably something German), or an Elcaset deck. Don’t forget … the warm, rich sound of analog LPs is far superior to cold, harsh CDs. You must have a CD player, though … not a changer, and preferably a separate DAC.
Cigarettes - if you must smoke, it’s gotta’ be a brand that isn’t available at Patel’s Stop and Rob. Dunhill, Gitanes, Gaulioses, Export A, Player’s, Davidoff, English Ovals, Mild Seven, Rothman, and Nat Sherman are all acceptable. Cloves, bidis and other gimmicky cigarettes from East Asia are not. Smoke American Spirit only if you’re a vegetarian or have strong leftist tendancies. In a pinch, smoke a now-obscure “old man” brand like Chesterfield or Lark.
A standard American “Midland Northern” accent is fine, IMHO ; there’s no need to speak in a “Connecticut lockjaw,” or sound like an NPR announcer. Still, though, it’s key to pronounce a few words strangely. Pick a few words to mispronounce and add extra syallables to, sort of like what others would expect the British to do … for instance, “fo-to-GAR-aff” for “photograph.” If anyone calls you on it, say that’s the original pronunciation from the word’s first appearance in Webster’s. Use some British English usage; “in hospital,” “at unversity,” “Microsoft are going to introduce a new version of Off-ee-ess.”
If you have leftist tendancies, it’s important that you overpronunciate any word that sounds vaugely Spanish. “Yes, I’ll have the enn-chee-LAH-DAHS!” “I have a friend that’s working for the Peace Corps in Neee-caah-LA-GOO-wah.”
Elmwood, I daresay, old boy, you seem to have studied this Pretentious angle quite a bit.
**Other Notes On How To Be Pretentious **
When you are talking about a person not present at the party, never explain to the newcomer than all references to “Biff” are for Biff St. Clair-Ratthousen, the Golf pro and all around great guy. The newbie should know this by default.
Name your yacht *The Flying Wasp *.
Hmmm. I noticed a sudden spark of interest in pretentiousness a while ago. Strange.
A note those on all that incessant babbling about post-modernism: That’s very, very out. Its become one of those buzzwords and everyone who’s in the know (or thinks they’re in the know) has come to use. And it’s applied to everything. The new trend is to bash all this post-modernism nonsense and bask in romanticism, the enlightenment, Goethe, Rilke, etc.
Accents: These, I have found, can be very tricky if you’re not absolutely perfection itself. A mediocre West Country accent can be absolutely hideous, especially to those of us who have been there for any reasonable length of time. There are, however, a couple of alternatives. 1. Learn a foreign language. And learn it well. 2. Go live in a foreign country. Really. This is not as impossible as it might sound. Especially if you’re a student. A year abroad, even if you’re a graduate student, can make all the difference. Revelling in the expression others will give you when you mention ‘when I was in (insert city/country here)…’ is priceless. Honestly, the cost of the airplane ticket is probably the most expensive thing. Funding abounds, so do jobs for those who can speak English. There are several programs out there that are sponsored by countries who want to attract English speakers to come and teach their citizens better English. I did one in Austria (Fulbright program…no, not the graduate scholarship).
I do speak German, can read and speak some French, have lived in three European countries, worked in another European country, was brought up in the US and eastern Canada, own lots of books, lp’s, cd’s, don’t watch tv, love British period dramas and am looking for a job in the UK or Germany for when I finish my MA dissertation. Am I on my way to True Pretention ™?
Oh . . . you’ve ressurected a thread from a year ago. You must have been searching for opportunities to demonstrate your pretention. Really, dear, it’s nice that you have interests, but no one will take you seriously after this.
Actually, I have been toying with the idea of writing a book on the subject for a few years now and decided to see about sources online. While gathering some information, I was suddenly struck with a question:
What is the difference between snobbery and pretention?
This then leads to:
Are all pretentious people snobs?
And the inevitable:
Are all snobs pretentious?
More about attitude:
You must master an expression of boredom.
When others are speaking to you, stare distractedly elsewhere until they finish, then turn toward them with a weak, condescending smile, and change the subject.
Never speak quickly. Only raise your voice if that is the way you are going to talk all the time.
Use terms of endearment like “darling” and “love” gratuitously and with complete insincerity (but avoid “honey”, “sweetie” and the like).
This is a great thread. But this made me spill my beer.
peers at thread through monocle
makes a sound somewhere between a sniff and a pfft.
brushes some of the “soil” of this thread from sleeve with a folded white glove
once everyone is looking, turns on heel and leaves.
This thread is so - je ne sais quoi, so jejeune.
I liked it two years ago, but now it has become too commercial.
Ta ta, darlings.
Regards,
Shodan
Actually, just learn the French pronunciation of words commonly used in the States, like croissant, crayon, champagne, liaison, premiere, university, academy, impossible…in fact, most words ending in -ible, -ment, and -tion can be Frenchified (never use the word Frenchified, wipe it from your mind absolument!)
A friend did this after studying abroad. Drove some of our friends batty. This coming from the poster with a username based on a French word horribly mispronounced (I say it “moy,” rhymes with “boy”). 
Actually, while you’re at it, learn the German pronounciation of German loan-words in English: for example, Schadenfreude, Weltanschauung, Wanderlust and Wunderkind. Also learn how to correctly pronounce German foodstuffs: Wienerschnitzel, Pfefferhasen and Spaetzle, for example; the names of German-speaking authors: Nietzsche, Hegel, Freud, Suesskind…; and the titles for musical works by various German composers (as well as the composers’ names, obviously): ‘Wachet auf, ruft uns die Stimme’ - J. S. Bach (Please note that his name is NOT pronounced /bok/!) or ‘Die Einsamkeit’ - G. P. Telemann, for example. (Better yet, if you’re warbling about J. S. Bach, forget the titles, use the BWV numbers instead. The same goes for the Koechel listing for works by Mozart, [an Austrian]. Please note, this is NOT pronounced /kershel/! )
Of course, whatever language you’re speaking, be sure to pronounce everything so well, native speakers assume you’re fluent. Then apologise profusely for your terrible pronounciation.
Homes and neighborhoods: never a suburban apartment complex with a pool and hut tub, never a late-model or new house in a suburb of winding cul-de-sacs, never a blue-collar or even comfortable middle-class neighborhood. No, you must live in a college ghetto; a gritty yet still desirable bohemian neighborhood; a gentrifying-but-still-not-quite-there neighborhood; or a wealthy yet older inner-ring suburb, or the middle-class periphery of such neighborhoods. There should be little or no evidence of “new money” whatsoever. Ideal addresses include:
[ul][li]Shaker Heights, Ohio[/li][li]Hyde Park or Pilsen in Chicago (not Lincoln Park, Uptown, Bucktown or any other “trixie” neighborhood. Wicker Park was once acceptable, but no longer is.)[/li][li]Brookside in Kansas City, or any suburb with the word “Mission” in its name[/li][li]Any pre-WWII high-rise co-op building in Manhattan[/li][li]Delaware District in Buffalo[/li][li]Rittenhouse Square area in Philadelphia[/li][li]Park Hill in Denver (not Washington Park, Congress Park or any of the other nearby gentrified areas)[/ul][/li]
In a pinch, look for an older community that includes a store that specializes in very simple yet outrageously expensive “educational toys” from Scandanavia, Northern Italian “trattorias,” or a food store catering to British expats. Part of being pretentious is feeling “peckish” for Aero bars, Walkers crisps and Weetabix, even if you’ve never been to the UK before.
Ideally, your neighbors should include tenured university professors, full-time musicians in classical orchestras, teachers at secular private schools, Eposcopal clergy, and/or employees of the local NPR radio station and public television station.
How many lives is this thread going to get?? :dubious:
Hah! You think you’re good enough to be pretentious? I quite doubt it. They’ll let anybody try to be pretentious these days, I swear. Hmph!