Please help me write a poem/recipe/...thing.

TPTB at my job are having us do a team-building exercise in which we are given the name of a co-worker on an index card so that we can come up with a “recipe for life” for that person. Example: “A spoonful of fun, a cup of hugs, and a dash of laughter…”

Just thinking about writing it makes me want to shoot myself. I seriously can’t think of a thing to write. I have glurge-block. Normally I would write any old thing, but we have to read these out loud at a freaking meeting.

Help? Even an idea to help me get started would be great. The woman I have to write this for is expecting her first baby, so I’d like to work that in there. She’s blonde. She likes pasta. She talks a lot. That’s all I know about her.


Damn. My condolences. What an utterly hellish situation you’re in.

Right? Dang sweet Southern lady bosses to heck.

"Add one dash of fetus,

A sprinkle of angel hair,

And a cup of STFU."

Still got nothin’.

So she likes pasta. If you use Italian words, the rhyming part should be easier and of course, there are plenty of pasta dishes.

linguine, fettucine, etc.

Don’t forget bambino.

If you mention “bundle of joy,” I bet you could get most of the audience to puke.

I’m so sorry.


Not helpful, I know. Sry.

I know! Do “bun in the oven”!

How about a haiku?

“The only way to win is to refuse to play”

Is this team-building crap being done on company time? If so, go to TBTB and say that you have real work to do. Could they give you deadline extensions in writing for your current projects? If it’s not, tell them you’ll formally file a complaint about being made to do work off the clock.

Or explain that you find it intrusive and that it makes you uncomfortable. Being able to compose poetry about a fellow teammate’s personal qualities is inappropriate in a workplace. If you’ve been moved into a position of authority where you are to judge her professional skills, you’ll need uptraining and an increase in salary commensurate with your new position, plus at least 3 months of observation of her in a supervisory capacity before you can give a good performance evaluation.

Then say: I hope I’m not misunderstanding. You’re not asking me to comment on her personal likes, dislikes, issues and situation. Because that’s wildly inappropriate workplace conduct. And you’ll certainly be going to HR or calling the company Ombudsman if someone has the audacity to presume to give you a recipe for how to live your life.

…or, if you don’t want the nuclear option, :wink:

Offer this to your PTB and ask them if it’s appropriate:

A cup of Christ upon the Cross
3 pints of blood he spilled
2 real sharp spears stuck in his side
A long night on that hill
He came from death to give us all
This swell life’s recipe
And if you ignore his sacrifice
You’ll go to hell, not me.

(Yeah, the scansion’s off–it’s 7:45 here. Whaddaya want? Robert Frost?)

This is best if your pregnant lady is Jewish/Hindu/Muslim/Atheist.

Make them explain why that personal bit of gurge is ok, but other comments on your coworker’s personal qualities and unasked for advice on her personal life are acceptable.

Warning: Do these at your own risk. You’ll probably get out of having to do this crap, but you’ll be a known troublemaker.

Oh god that’s funny. I’m LOL in the office now.

Google “recipe for life”. A bunch of links come up. Read a few. Cut and paste.

You don’t want to waste a lot of time on this. Since a baby’s coming, you might want to add a bottle of scotch, er, patience.

This morning I woke up thinking “babycakes”, but your idea is much better. I will end with, “Yields one bundle of joy”. Now I just need some bullshit for the middle.
OOH, sugar and spice and everything nice!!!

Done and done. Thanks for the ideas and sympathy, guys!

Here’s what I wrote:

Recipe for a bun in the oven

One cup of sugar

One dash of spice

A whole bunch of love

Makes everything nice

One spoon of kisses

One pinch of hugs

And when you’re in labor

Ask for the drugs
Yields: one bundle of joy!

Could ya just barf??


That “ask for the drugs” will be great if it’s her first baby.

If it’s team-building they want, it’s team-building they get. Pull everyone together and with full co-operation of all involved come up with the most vicious, savage, denigrating, absolutely negative recipes possible. Collaborate on tearing each other apart.

Example: runner pat

1 tsp of vile humor

2 cups of self pity

1/2 cup of shallowness

2 Tbs of inappropriate touching