Laziest answer: Neither parent brings a date. Done, no drama guarantee, & no more time wasted thinking about it. This wedding is for 2 people getting married, keep it simple.
This is my opinion, too. The bride and groom have one choice: either invite “parent AND guest” or not.
The only consideration is if there is LIKELY to be some sort of unpleasant confrontation. Then they should be fair and invite “parent/NO guest” for both.
Honestly, I respect brides and grooms and their desire to have “perfect” weddings, but most of the weddings I’ve attended would actually benefit from a little friction out there in guestland. And why discriminate against people in advance? These SOs might be in-laws down the road.
God, I hate calls of “grow up! This isn’t High School!” like we’re shocked that adults indulge in jealousy and acrimony. Especially when nobody has even done anything “immature” yet. The bride and groom are just nervous about it happening. Nervous like grade schoolers!
Of course they should extend the +1 to both parents and they should just not worry that much about a little drama. If they act up, well that’s what the best man and maid of honour are for. Going over and telling them to chill the fuck out so you don’t ruin their kid’s wedding.
Groom should just ask his father if he’s cool with his mom bringing her boyfriend to the wedding. If dad starts joking around about what a horrible wife she was, etc., then groom should have a serious sit down discussion with dad about growing up and acting like a mature father at his son’s wedding.
It’s the parents that have expressed their concern about any drama.
The OP stated a handful of times that the mother is concerned about it as well as mentioning that the last time they interacted with each other it wasn’t exactly pleasant.
“The mother wants her boyfriend to come, but is worried it will create problems with her ex-husband and his friends”
"The last interaction they had with each other wasn’t exactly pleasant. "
“The issue is that the mother isn’t sure if bringing her boyfriend will cause additional drama”
As far as calls to ‘grow up’…sure, there may be some jealousy/animosity but and that’s allowed, but if they want to attend the wedding, they need to suck it up and behave like grown ups for, what, 3 or 4 hours.
If they can’t, then I’d say they can’t bring their dates and it sounds like dad is fine with that and mom would understand.
I’ll be flying to Florida next month to attend my son’s beach wedding in Panama City. He invited my gf (of 12 years) and she had planned on going, but work and horses are making her stay home.
My ex-wife who I have thankfully neither seen nor spoken to in 15 years will be there. I don’t care if she is there with a date or solo, because I do not plan on speaking to her. Looking forward to meeting my new daughter-in-law and my first ever grandkid.
OP: invite everyone, dial 911 as needed.
I can go along with this if someone is an asshole, but not if someone is a dangerous asshole.
The parents are coming and they are the ones with–possibly–hard feelings. I don’t see why bringing a date would exacerbate the problem.
When I married, the wedding was in my step-father-in-law’s house and my wife’s father and stepmother came and everyone was on good behavior. The real problem was when the bastard step-FIL put a wedding announcement in the Jewish Exponent to which a lot her father’s Philadelphia relatives subscribed in he called my wife his daughter and omitted her real father (and step-mother).
I know of a situation where one of the divorced parents was still bearing an active grudge as the wedding of his grand-daughter, some 30 years after his divorce.
Both (grand)parents were invited to the wedding with their partners (the active grudge thing kicked in because her current partner was still the guy that she left him for, 30 years ago.
He tried to turn it into a sort of attention thing… “what if I have to come face to face with him?” etc - probing for all sorts of special arrangements and awkward accommodations to be made. He was gently, then firmly, and later very firmly, reminded that this event is not his day, and whilst his feelings might be very real and very strong, he should just fucking put a lid on them for a couple of hours, and behave like a proper grownup. It seemed to work.
if it was me, I’d invite both parents and their current partners, and if there’s any hint of trouble, smack it down. It’s the bride and groom’s special day and that’s the trump card.
A wedding without smackdowns, and without the need to constantly analyze people for smackdown-worthy behaviour, would be nice though - to put it mildly.
And anybody you can’t trust doesn’t belong at your wedding, no matter how they’re related to you.
Agreed - I mean, I think the best thing is for them to be invited and behave like normal humans, but if a grown-up talk with the troublemakers, in advance of the event, doesn’t indicate their earnest intent to peaceful compliance, then treat them accordingly.