Please review my screenplay to boost my competition chances

Marketplace
1

Hiya folks

I’ve been granted permission by the Mods to post this here, in the Marketplace forum (it has a competition and money angle).

I uploaded a screenplay to Amazon Studios, which is a new venture by Amazon to help screenwriters with submitting spec scripts, and potentially win prizes and/or productions.

But it needs to be downloaded and read and reviewed. Currently it’s languishing amongst a sea of other scripts, and I was hoping some members of the SDMB would participate so that I could boost my numbers and get it into a more favourable ranking.

It’s a classic mediaeval Fantasy, called Pegasus Rampant, which I was inspired to write after watching a straight-to-DVD / TV movie that was very ordinary and I thought to myself “I can do better than that” then set out to prove it. So it’s not an epic adventure on the scale of Narnia or even Stardust, but is more sedate and on the low budget kind of scale, sort of like the Syfy Channel’s The Librarian or Tin Man productions; a little bit cheesy, but not Sharktopus level crap; basically a nice evening’s family viewing. With Wizards in it.

The idea is to push it higher on the popularity list by first increasing the downloads of the RTF copy of the screenplay, then getting it noticed further by reviewing it. Reviews don’t have to be five star, I’m not trying to game the system in that way; I do think it’s a great little story, though, so ought to earn a nice review on its own merits, so please be honest and genuine. What’s important is getting any reviews at all to get it some attention.

The RTF was a conversion from a PDF, so it may not look so great in some text viewers (it looked okay in Word, but not so great in OpenOffice), but the PDF is perfect so if you need it for readability, it can be downloaded from here. What’s important, though, is at least downloading the RTF file straight from the Amazon page so the numbers count (they insist on RTF, because one of the rules is that the script be allowed to be voluntarily rewritten by anyone who downloads it - a weird and scary rule that I think will be adjusted and removed from the competition).

But of course, ultimately what I really want is for people to read and enjoy my script, and recommend me to others so I can write more, develop my skills, and maybe even make a living out of this.

Thanks guys!

2

I’m only on page 10, so I can’t say anything about the plot yet, but I’d just like to point something out about the dialogue- all your characters sound the same. Take Quinn, for example. He says:

“Sir Wilbur should never have blamed himself for her death.”
“I regret my behaviour, Master. But he accused you of being false!”

But Quinn is a young boy. He’s a squire. Those statements are way to mature for him. I understand that you’re trying to go for an old-timey, faux British feel, but you’ve got to have the characters speaking with separate voices. Better would have been

“It wasn’t Sir Wilbur’s fault what happened to Cerwen.”
“But, Master, he said you weren’t a real wizard!”

Just because you want to advance the story by letting the audience know that Wilbur blames himself, it’s no reason to have a young apprentice boy give such insightful lines. Perhaps you could try a question-answer strategy, where the boy incessantly prods his masters with “But why?” and “What do you mean?” so he becomes more and more blunt with the youth.

Just a thought.

3

He’s not that young, and he has been living at Court for ten years or so.

But that’s something I’ve always wondered about. I think I did a good job of projecting distinct personality through the characters, but dialogue will often just be whatever I talk like, or would say. It’s very hard for me to look at that aspect objectively.

I will keep that in mind for the next draft.

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One way to fix that is to make a sheet for each character. Put all the quotes from each character on their sheet out of context. Then you can read over each character in turn and see if their dialogue sounds “like them” and different from each other.

5

I am very grateful for those who downloaded my screenplay. I also hope you read it, and enjoyed it.

I’m wondering if anyone is willing to give it a review, brief or detailed, broad or picky. Any feedback is good feedback.

6

That’s a very good advice. Where did you get that from?
GuanoLad, I’m currently switching comps, so I may dl it but not read it ASAP. What’s your deadline for submission? (I hope Evil Captor doesnt read that last bit).

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Just downloaded it. No promises on reviewing it because I’m already way overcommitted, but…you never know.

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Thanks guys. There’s no deadline, it’s an ongoing monthly competition. But I figure if it’s not picked in the first month, which was December, any updated draft probably won’t boost it much higher.

What I’m really after is education on how to improve my screenwriting. The competition is just a small potential of recognition.

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I made it up. In eighth grade, we had to do sentence opening sheets (SOS). You wrote the first four words of every sentence in your composition. Then you read down the list. It helped errors stand out, like if 80% start with “Then I [verb]ed” then you knew to vary it a little. If they all started with averbial clauses, you’d see that. You get the idea.

You can use that “out of context” idea for a lot of things to improve writing. You can analyze the beginnings and/or endings of chapters. You can look at just dialogue. You can see how you describe new rooms or the first intro of a new character. You can see if you’re repeating the same adjective when you describe smells.

That way, you get revelations like “My beginnings have nothing to do with my endings”, “All the young boys look the same”, or “I’ve used ‘putrid’ way too much. Better grab the thesaurus.”

Again, I haven’t read the whole thing, but try not to reinvent the wheel. Certain stories move people for a reason. If you’re writing a romance, you have to have the meeting, the conflict, the separation, the reunion, and the future. If you skip, say, the separation, and your love birds never split up, then the audience won’t feel that sense of longing. They won’t sense the heartbreak. They need that to feel like a part of the couple.

If you’re writing an adventure story, you need the “I want” song/scene. It’s when you first meet the main character and they tell you what they want. Fiddler on the Roof has “Matchmaker”. Ariel wants to be “Part of that World”. Danny and Sandy tell us about those “summer nights” that they want back.

I know it’s generic advice but: Don’t screw with the formula!

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I understand about adhering to a formula that works, but I don’t think there’s just one formula for each genre.

I like the idea of a separation (there is one in the story but it happens quite late in the plot. There’s room for an earlier one that I may be able to include relatively seamlessly).

However, I don’t really understand what you mean by the “I want” scene. Certainly I don’t know why you’ve listed songs in reference to an adventure movie. There’s call for some exposition, and the macguffin, but it’s not an opera; I don’t think all adventure films need something quite so overt.

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The scene in the middle where they all go bowling seems out of place.

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I agree. The songs are just “in your face” about it. If I pointed to scenes, people would be like “Huh? That’s an ‘I want’ scene?” But if I point to a song like “Part of that World” then people think of the lyrcis and go “oh yeah, I know what you mean.” That’s all. Plus, those examples were the first to leap to mind, so I ran with them.

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I did consider an archery competition, but that was so Robin Hood. So bowling it was.

Be thankful I didn’t go with my first choice of Trivial Pursuit. You just can’t write a good Triv scene, no matter how hard you try.

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I know this is incredibly lazy commentary, but I’ve only read the first ten pages and I have a few thoughts.

The opening scene could be described better. I don’t know what “unassuming clothes” means. Especially since this is taking place in what seems to be medieval times.

You should never have to say things like “Cerwen stands her ground, displaying an unusual degree of courage.” It should be obvious from the scene that she’s displaying such courage. If it isn’t, then the scene needs to be rewritten. I would either describe the Brigands better, or have them doing something that a traveler would be scared off.

The next scene seems to be a knock-off of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. You have Harry Potter like magic, where spells are made from Latin sounding ingredients, and a Lord of the Rings style wizard doing magic for a town gathering.

The point of having a a town gathering scene is usually to introduce the audience to a strange but interesting new world. Since your world world seems like a knock-off, I got bored pretty quickly with the wizard and the magic.

I’ll read some more later.

15

I liked the Swedish girls in the sauna though.

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I think you’ll find Fantasy books and films have been doing this for decades. It’s a common trope, and it’s not really fair to call it a knock-off.

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Fair enough, I don’t read a lot of fantasy. Personally, I thought it was a boring way to introduce the town.

I’ve read up to the part where Wren joins Quinn and Hagan. I have a few more thoughts.

  1. Did they use boxes in the middle ages? On page seven Quinn finds a box of feathers. I thought they mostly used glass jars. Paper wasn’t as cheap back then, so I don’t think anyone would have used it for storage.

  2. I was pleasantly surprised that you had Hagan kill someone after he realized the guy had no more useful information.

  3. I laughed when Wren questioned Hagan’s sexuality and Quinn doesn’t know where to turn. That joke worked because Hagan killed someone earlier. Now I can feel just as nervous as Quinn when Wren insults him.

I feel more afraid of Hagan than I do of Wyrnvach. Wyrnvach hasn’t done anything yet that would make someone afraid of him. At least have him kill a guy, or choke someone using his mind (wait, wrong movie…).

  1. Wren’s dialog is pretty cool. Nice change of pace from the talk of nobleman. You’re no Diablo Cody, but it’s not too bad either.
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  1. It’s a wooden box, not a cardboard box.

  2. One reviewer thought it was too violent, but I wanted to have the Knights of this world be brutal but fair (like Judge Dredd). If it ever got to a point of being made, I’d potentially change that.

  3. & 4) I’m pretty happy with the banter and dialogue through most of the script. I think it’s one of my strengths.

Thanks for those comments, they’re very encouraging. :slight_smile:

19

I just finished the whole script. Nice effort, but there were things I didn’t like.

Your plot is remarkably good. I imagine you’ve seen/read a lot of stories with wizards in them?

I didn’t notice any bowling, or Swedish girls, and was sort of disappointed. Find someway to work these elements into your next draft. :wink:

What needs work are your characters. Like Chessic Sense mentioned, they all sound the same, and a little too formal. I can see the King being formal, but everyone else should sound more casual. Wren sounded different for a moment when we met her, but then after she started frolicking with Quinn, she sounded like everyone else.

Besides their speech, they need character arcs. The only two people who change in the story are Quinn and Wren, but their changes seemed too forced.

Quinn goes from a neurotic wizard to a bad-ass a little too easily. When the evil wizard is about to torture him, he should still have been neurotic.

*And do you think I would strap you to my torture device if I thought you’d be willing? * - Is a great line, and Quinn should have reacted to it the way he reacted to messing up spells in the beginning of the script. It makes him more human, which makes his progress more compelling, because we see how hard it is for him to change.

Wren goes from hating princess life to going back to her kingdom. The switch seems too forced. I thought you had a great moment when Quinn addresses her by her royal title. You can exploit that moment a lot more. I thought it showed how much Quinn valued serving his kingdom (which explains why he hates messing up his magic), and how much Wren doesn’t like the kingdom life.

You had two great motivators for the characters that you should have developed from the beginning of the script. You should give them what Chessic referred to as an “I want” scenes. Is there a reason Quinn wants to serve his Kingdom so much? Is there a reason Wren does not? Figure out their reasons, and show us (don’t tell us) the reasons early on.

You can even exploit that conflict when Quinn and Wren are together by having them argue about it. Quinn or Hagan could bring up the virtues of service and Wren could scoff at it. The debate could end when Quinn addresses Princess Cerwen and Wren accepts her responsibilities to her Kingdom.

In your next draft, work on building the plot around the characters and their emotional arcs, and not the other way around.

And add more Swedish girls - or would Swedish fairies be more realistic?

20

Thanks Lakai, There’s some good advice in there. I can work a lot of it in.

  • The thing about the dialogue is that they have been brought up in Court all their lives. Quinn has barely been out of the city before, so he should have mostly formal speech. Hagan is a Knight, but is well travelled, so can switch from formal to casual at will and judiciously. Wren has been out in the real world for so long, hanging out with the boys, that she has become very casual and informal. The idea was that as Quinn travelled with Wren and began to relax, his speech slowly succumbed to Wren’s influence. That was my intent, anyway.

Plus, I’m not sure if it’s my job to make dialogue sound distinctive to each character when it’s in a screenplay format. Isn’t that the actor’s and director’s job? I’ve never noticed other screenplays make distinctions like that. Nor novels. For me all characters use the same style of language, and it’s their behaviour and performance around that which distinguishes them.

  • Character arcs only need to be for the main characters. Secondary and supporting characters almost never have an arc. Having said that, Valan Ursus needs some fleshing out.

  • Wren’s willingness to return to Court is, I agree, not explained very well. I will fix that. The idea is that seeing her Father again has affected her, and made her realise that now she is older, she can have both the responsibilities of being a Princess as well as the freedom to travel.

  • I did have an argument scene about convincing Wren to come back to Court, but Wren just came across as petulant, and it took the scene in a direction I didn’t want. It was just poorly written so I cut it out before I even finished it. I went for subtlety instead. Maybe that doesn’t come across as well as it does in my head.

Thank you, you have given brilliant advice, just what I’ve been after. I have shown the script to a lot of people, and only a few have actually taken the time to read it, and even fewer gave me any useful feedback.

One of my oldest friends, whose filmmaking advice I normally treasure, literally said this: “It was a great script - snappy dialogue, sympathetic and well rounded characters and a storyline that was involving and moved at a good pace.” Which was encouraging, but didn’t actually help me at all.

It’s funny that you didn’t pick up on the things that I think are its weaknesses. I won’t list them all here, but they’re things I have only recently recognised and plan to work in the solutions to them in the next draft, along with some of your suggestions.

I may put the Swedish girls into a different story. Perhaps the one about the pizza delivery guy and the flight attendant.