My eight-year old step-daughter has ADHD. For the past few years, we’ve been telling ourselves that she’s just talkative, distracts easily, is unmotivated, etc. We’ve tried various behavior modifications, diet modifications, reward systems, punishment systems, etc. None of it has worked. But we didn’t think it was too big a deal since she was just talkative, distracted, etc.
We were unaware of how serious the problem was until last Friday when we met with her teachers. She apparently has some severe OCD behavior which only really occurs at school. Her teacher whom whom she spends two-thirds of her school day, who was also a special-ed/gifted teacher for twenty years, says taht she is the most severe case of ADHD she has ever seen.
So, despite our hoping that alternatives would work, it looks like we may have to take the medication route.
If you wouldn’t mind, please share any experiences with ADHD, medicated and not, either with your children or yourself. Any and all help would be greatly appreciated.
This is all MHO stuff. School settings are the absolute worst situation you can put a child w/ ADD in. It is the EXACT situation where the condition that ADD causes results in the most trouble. Your s-Daughter needs greater stimulation then what the typical school provides, but your options may be limited. I think there are schools that specialize in ADD children but it may be too expensive. So if you can’t change your s-daughter’s enviorment to meet her requirements for proper learning, then the only other option is to modify your s-daughter by using meds.
While what you’ve written here sounds like ADHD to ME, I am not a doctor, nor are your child’s teachers, and thus they are not any more qualified to diagnose your little girl than I would be. That’s not snark - I just want you to be aware that there is a specific testing process to diagnose ADHD, and that there are a load of posters here who will read your post and say “SEE? I TOLD you teachers are diagnosing kids willy-nilly and parents are getting them medicated to the point of stupefaction because it’s easier than teaching the kids anything!” This is not the common view here, but variations of it have come up in threads like this before, so do yourself a favor: take your daughter to a doctor who knows about ADHD and get some REAL medical information and advice. Even the teacher with loads of experience is not officially qualified to make this diagnosis - the teachers’ observations will be taken into consideration as part of the testing process, but they are not in and of themselves a diagnosis.
Best of luck to you, and if and when you do have an official diagnosis, feel free to email me (my address is in my profile) and I will be more than happy to share my own experiences as an ADHD sufferer for comparison.
I was going to respond, then I got distracted by another thread, then I was going to read something else, when I saw this thread again and decided to post.
Here’s a peek.
I’m not going to edit this, as much as I want to.
I’ve got a song playing in my head just about 24 hours a day. The more I try to focus on something, the harder it is to do so. I can’t start to work without AIM, the TV, and some mp3s on. I go back and forth between the forums here looking for something interesting. I don’t stop to sit down and eat unless I’m at a sit-down restaurant. If I’m not home, I need to be there; if I’m at home, I wish I were outside having fun somewhere - maybe.
People will talk to me and I can’t help but not care - well, not not-care, but get distracted by my own internal dialogue.
I come up with wonderful quotes half a dozen times a day, and rarely do they have a common topic. I filled 5 pages of paper, front and back, hand written in tiny letters, with my internal dialogue over the course of a semester - on the bus rides home. I think faster than I can respond, fast enough that I can’t speak properly without straining to slow down and form coherent sentences.
I’m the happiest when I’ve got a million things to do; that’s also when I’m the most miserable. I can’t seem to finish anything.
My thoughts ramble, as you can see.
And I don’t want any of it, and I’ll will flat-out tell you that your stepdaughter doesn’t either - and I rarely assert anything.
My son’s diagnosed with ADHD and also Asperger’s, he manages school with the help of a para-professional, a teacher consultant and medication. Not that I’m implying your s-daughter will need such drastic help, just that I’m familiar with the doubt and the wondering and typical school advice on such matters.
I struggled for years with various behavioral modification techniques and all sorts of frustration before the big ephiphany of “I wouldn’t expect my child to try harder to manufacture insulin” moment. Medication helps my son, and I’m grateful for it.
Not to disparage the teacher’s judgement, but in my opinion medical diagnosing is best done by medical professionals, not social workers or teachers or coaches, etc. Start with your daughters pediatrician and go from there.
My almost 12 year-old daughter has ADHD, and has been on medication for 3 or 4 years. My one comment would be YOU CAN’T RELY ON MEDICATION ALONE. And I would second the suggestion to get your stepdaughter to a SPECIALIST for diagnosis.
There are many things you can do to help the situation out, but the first thing is an accurate diagnosis. And, as TonyF said, try to remember that right now, she can’t help it. Without the combination of medication & behavior modification (IMHO) it can’t be controlled. And it doesn’t GO AWAY. That’s why it’s important to get help now, so they can deal with it when they’re adults.
Good luck. 
What TonyF said. In my experience (14 yo son w/ADHD), teachers are quick to point out significant problems with children. This is good and bad. Bad if they diagnose the child, as they appear to have done here (and in my son’s case) and you take it as gospel. Good if it brings to your attention issues that you can and should take seriously and seek the appropriate help. That is, talk to your daughter’s doctor first. See a specialist. Then see another one after that. Do not stop questioning and seeking answers until you feel comfortable that whatever measures you are taking is in your daughter’s best interest and is actually having a positive impact for her. Don’t stop until she can tell you that whatever you’re doing is helping her.
We went through quite a few different meds and dosages of each med. No one med/dosage is the right one for every child. You have to be willing to try different things. But keep a watchful eye on the effects of meds. Meds aren’t the only answer, either. They can be a godsend for some (like my son) and they can be a nightmare or just useless for others. I also agree with Indyellen that meds alone does not make a complete treatment. Therapy is absolutely essential. Repeat. Therapy. Is. Essential. The child has got to learn how to come to terms with her challenges and develop coping mechanisms separate from the meds. It’s not as easy for ADHD children to develop these mechanisms on their own, although it’s not unheard of. Any doctor that’s willing to prescribe drugs without prescribing therapy is only offering partial treatment, IMO. Consider medication a supplement to therapy; an aid to actualizing the results of therapy. It doesn’t have to be just one-on-one with a psychologist. My son found the group method much more enlightening. I imagine because in that environment he didn’t feel like a pariah or The Problem Child that he often felt at school.
Though dealing with ADHD never ends, it can be a positive experience for some. There are numerous well-known highly successful individuals who credit their ADHD with enhancing their ability to succeed. It takes a positive mindset though. Don’t ever allow anyone (including your daughter) make her feel “broke” or handicapped. It will happen and it needs to be addressed as it’s strictly counter-productive. Developing a healthy self-esteem is immensely important for any child, but even moreso, I think, for a child who operates differently than the mainstream or, at least differently from the way our society expects people to operate.
That being said, it’s a challenge, but not one that can’t be overcome and the support network for this “disorder” is immense. There’s more information out there than you can imagine; many different treatment choices; and a great deal of guidance for individuals and families affected by ADHD. The more informed you are, of course, the easier it will be to make choices with which you feel comfortable.
Incidently, my son has embraced his treatment. He feels the meds he is now taking make coping with his challenges much easier. He, himself, can tell you the value of his treatment. That’s important because, without his participation, we go nowhere. He has also created his own support system to fall back on when things get difficult. The older he gets, the more proactive he is in his own treatment. I think this is a good indication that something’s going right. So, my advice (and, boy will you ever hear those words often!) is to encourage your daughter to take active participation in her treatment. Ultimately, it’s her life and she needs to take on that responsibility (as eventually she’ll be an adult who’ll need these skills).
Oh yeah, as far as education goes, the law offers a great deal of assistance for children with special needs. Still, it’s entirely up to her parents to diligently ensure the child’s needs are actually being met. Dealing with schools, teachers, IEPs and the like can be exhausting (and frustrating) but it’s necessary as someone needs to be the child’s full-time advocate. In my experience, school officials usually don’t make the best advocates for kids with special needs. Though, there are some awesome teachers out there, there are also ones that are content to see an especially challenging kid doped up to the point of lethargy, so they can conveniently ignore the child and deal with the 30 others in their class. ADHD can be quite trying for teachers, but that’s no excuse. Hopefully, your child never has to experience that level of ineptitude. But the message is that you can’t afford to not be diligent and informed.
Best of luck to you, your family and your daughter. I always tell my son that a positive attitude and tenacity to overcome the challenges we all have to face are the most important traits he can develop. It’s hard sometimes, but I think this will go a long way to help him take control of his life.
I’m 21, and have just recently been diagnosed with ADD. My dad’s 51, and has just recently been diagnosed as well. While I managed to get by through high school without treatment, it made college impossible, and I ultimately failed out. I can’t imagine how my dad managed to go through college three times (Bachelors, DDS, and MBA), though both he and I suspect that I have a much more severe case of it than him. It’s definitely made my life more difficult, but there are some benefits. Apparently people with ADD have a higher tendancy towards creativity, which has definitely aided me some. I was unfortunate in that when I was younger I didn’t exhibit what people attribute to “classic” signs. Not the typical bouncing off the walls hyperactive, though I was more talkative than most kids (something which has changed, I’m almost zero hyperactive now, other than nervous tapping and such), and my schoolwork never suffered until I was in middle school. But that wasn’t something my parents attributed to ADD, they just assumed I didn’t apply myself enough, and that I just didn’t care (a common misconception). I’ve just now started taking Strattera (mostly used in adults, as I’ve understood), and it seems to be helping out. If you checked my posting history, I’d imagine this is probably the longest I’ve composed ever. Even with medicine though, it can still be hard. An understanding of the disorder is needed and certain changes will have to be made.
Definitely get your step-daughter to see a doctor, and some help. The sooner in her life the better. I can’t tell you how much better my life could have been if I’d been treated sooner. Also, I suggest some reading material for yourself. I’ve not read it, but apparently Driven to Distraction is a good book to shed some insight on it, even for people without ADD.
I don’t have ADHD, nor does anybody in my family. Several friends of mine do.
I had a classmate who got diagnosed with ADHD later in life, back then we just said he was “made of lizard’s tails” (because when you cut them off, they still keep moving, and this guy would always be fidgeting). He must have been a relatively mild case, though. He is now a sports teacher, and like I told him when he got his first job (at our high school) I was sure he’d do a better job than others because he has always known that not everybody had as much energy. The kids love him. In his case, I think that being involved with a school sport that he really enjoyed helped a lot; also, nobody tried to get him to sit still, we knew he couldn’t. I only remember one occasion when he was fooling way too much, so much so that the rest of us could not concentrate, and when he started doing raindances (sigh) half of us yelled “WILL YOU STOP!” He did, went back to his desk, looked around at everybody, looked at the teacher (who shrugged) and went back to doing the exercises - 3 seconds later he was fidgeting, but at his normal levels.
Another friend pays attention in class just fine, so long as she can have her CDplayer on at the same time (she puts it on earplugs and only plugs one side, changes sides now and then).
I had a coworker who is a Bad Example. He was diagnosed very young, never put on meds. His sister, also ADHD, has been on meds several times. I think that their mother must have been staring at them to ensure they did their homework. Why I think this? Well,
- if there is a task that he has thought of, he doesn’t stop until he’s finished. It may be reviewing the ISO9000 documentation for the whole factory in three languages or it may be finding the exact species of a butterfly that went past his window. But,
- if there is a task that somebody else has told him to do, even if he knows that it is necessary and even gives motivational speeches to other people about how important itis to do it (giving reasons that he comes up with by himself, they don’t come from the original task-giver), he will not do it unless there is someone behind him staring at the back of his neck.
It makes him kind of inefficient, economically… you need to pay someone just to stare at him. Helluva guy, but when he got into “stare at me” mode I would have killed him, because I had 5 other people to work with, they were in other locations and if I was staring at him I was not available for the others (his office did not have a second location for my computer - if it had had one, this quirk would have been a lot easier to deal with; and he is unable to concentrate at somebody else’s computer, he needs his music, his wallpaper that changes twice a day, etc).
My 2 cents,
get a proper diagnosis
don’t treat her like a freak
never expect LESS than she can give (or she’ll end up being less than she can be); never expect something that she CAN’T give (you don’t need to sit still to be happy)
Hugs to Harleen, Tony and Tonya&kid
My cousin has two kids that are ADHD. My brother has one child with ADHD. Three coworkers have children with ADHD. A good friend has a son and daughter, both with ADHD.
I have informally studied the behaviors of these children while in their presence. I am not a doc, but it is my opinion that none of the children have any type of disease. I think the problem lies squarely with poor parenting skills. On occasion I have said as much to the parents, only to her, “But our child is different. You don’t understand. He really does have a disease. He can’t concentrate. He needs drugs.” (Yet stick him in front of a video game and he can concentrate fine. Go figure.) I don’t mean to start a GD, but I find it interesting that the parents of these children (that I know) spend very little time with their them, and IMO haven’t the first clue how to effectively discipline their children. Anyway, just my opinion.
Yep, and be prepared to encounter a lot of that attitude in your circle of acquaintances as well.
I’m not trying to vilify Crafter_Man and of course everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, it is a little frustrating that so many well-intentioned people feel free to second-guess this particular diagnosis to death while they’d never in a million years object to any other medical diagnosis.
We can all agree that there are a lot of imperfect parents out there, arguments can certainly be made that some folks indeed would rather hand their child a pill than take the effort to parent them, but to those of us who struggle with the day to day parenting of a child afflicted with ADHD it’s a bit discouraging. A good percentage of us would give just about anything, and have tried just about everything to not have to medicate our kids, being summarily dismissed as lacking in basic parenting skills is icing on the cake.
Personally, I’d like to invite Crafter_Man to my home any time it’s convenient for you. I might benefit from whatever lessons in parenting you could give me, and you might benefit from experiencing the responsibility of dealing with an ADHD kid for a day or two.
My former stepson (his mother and I are divorced) is ADHD. He started having problems as early as age 4 at daycare. Medication, along with therapy, allowed him to make some progress.
Crafter Man, with all due respect, your “informal studies” are of no value. Until you have lived with an ADHD child and dealt with the difficulties that entails on a constant basis, frankly you aren’t qualified to have an opinion. I suspect that you think the children just need more discipline and, perhaps, a spanking or two. With an ADHD child, you can run your household like a prison camp and spank them until your arms get tired and it will only change their behaviors for exactly as long as you are on the spot looking at them. What the medication and therapy accomplish is bringing the child to a state where they can respond to parenting.
My 16 year old son has ADHD and was diagnosed when he started kindergarten. We suspected when he was around 4 that he had ADHD but his doctor suggested that we wait to evaluate him after he started school. Each of his teachers as well as I had to fill out a questionnaire that rated his behavior. This was done several times as he got older to evaluate whether more medication was needed. He took Ritalin which was later changed about 3 years ago to Concerta.
The school was not helpful at all. Even though children take meds does not mean they are suddenly “perfect” little kids. They still need extra help which the schools do not seem to provide. At least were I live there is no “ADHD” classification that allows extra help for these children unless they also require extra help because of something else such as a learning disability.
We finally decided to remove him from public school and home school him when he was starting seventh grade. In this way we could provide him with the materials and the extra time that made it capable for him the learn. He learns better visually so we were able to provide video that made it easier for him to learn.
He now takes no medication at all. Although he has not entirely “outgrown” the ADHD (and some never do) he now has enough self control and a long enough attention span to be able to complete his school work without it. He is happy that he no longer takes it and so am I. I was against it a little at first but he has proved that he can maintain his school work and everyday life with out it. He still has a short attention span and I have to make sure when I am talking to him that he looks at me and is listening to what I am saying. Talking to a child that has ADHD is like talking to the wall if they are not looking at you and even then I have to make him repeat back to me so that I know he understands. This is getting better the older he gets but at times is still required if he is doing something else that has his attention.
One thing I have learned is you have to learn to laugh a little at their lack of attention. I love to watch my son pour a glass of pop and then walk away leaving it on the counter. It is fun to announce as I grab the glass that I thank him for thinking of me and pouring me a glass of pop. He laughs and of course causes him to have to get another glass but it keeps it humorous for him and me.
It is so easy to get frustrated with a child with ADHD and I admit when he was younger I would get angry that he could not follow through on anything. He has come along way and I am very proud of him.
And I have no other way I can think to say this other than, **Crafter_Man ** you have no idea what you are talking about.
Look, if it’s your opinion that ADHD is a disease, fine. But I am entitled to my opinion, no matter how politically-incorrect it may be. And it is my opinion that ADHD is not a disease. Don’t like my opinion? Tough.
Let me rephrase, then. You are entitled to your uninformed, valuless opinions.
You’ve said you don’t want to turn this into a Great Debate. So please, don’t. My opinion is backed up by the medical community; yours is not. Continuing to assert that your opinion on the subject has any bearing on those of us who deal with the disorder falls into the category of jerkish behavior, in MY opinion.
So I did all right in grade school, middle school, but BOOM! When I hit 8th grade and the first signs of puberty came in, everything went to hell in a handbag. Skated through High School as well, and grew so, so ill of the phrase “unrealized potential.” Did well in college, though - finished cum laude, even. Graduated and immediately went into a tailspin. Got married, and that didn’t straighten me out. Finally my wife suggested - nay, demanded - that (at the age of 33) I go into therapy, and by the third or fourth session, my therapist suggested that I speak to a clinical psychologist, because - yup, you guessed it - ADD. Seems I’m OK when I’m, er, “self-medicating,” so that explains those college years…
Put me on Adderall, and suddenly I started actually retaining things in a low-end job I had worked for 9 years!. It’s like the sky opened and a ray of light hit me on the top of my head! I learned new work patterns, and how to let the more chaotic aspects of my personality work to my benefit.
I’m off the meds, now, but I’ve kept my lessons. I’m up for a promotion at a new job (a job that makes good use of the fact I have to micro-manage small details to stay organized), and I don’t feel so bad and confused about myself.
The key was getting a professional diagnosis. Second-guessing won’t do it; neither will hunches.
My 11-year-old son has ADHD. He is an extremely bright, articulate, and good-hearted kid who simply couldn’t function in a regular classroom setting without his meds. He has been on a variety of medication through the years, and we’ve struggled with side effects. The negative side effects (no appetite, rebound effect, “flattening” of personality) kept us struggling for years; if the medication amounts were reduced, his ability to concentrate would plummet. A couple of years ago, he was switched to a relatively new medication called Strattera. It has been a Godsend. Except for some sleepiness, he has no noticeable side effects. He’s still himself; a normal 11-year-old boy. He still struggles with some ADHD-related problems, but they are much more manageable.
ADHD has affected much more than his schoolwork over the years. He has struggled with peer relations, self-esteem, and anger. He takes a low dose of Zoloft to help combat these problems.
One day earlier this year, I forgot to give him his medication before school. At about 3:15, I got a call at work from his teacher. He had been out of control all day in the classroom and had done no work whatsoever. He realized that he had forgotten his medication, but was embarrassed to tell the teacher, so she didn’t know what was going on. I relate this story just to illustrate how one day without medication can affect a child.
I wish with all my heart that my child didn’t have this, and that he didn’t have to take medication. Unfortunately, that just isn’t the case. My daughter is farsighted and has to have glasses to bring the world into focus. My son has to have medication to do the same. It isn’t his fault, or mine. It just is. And he is a fabulous kid. He’s in his school’s “gifted” program (and how I hate that word–“gifted”–but that’s another discussion), he is a talented singer and actor, and he has a heart of gold. Medication is not an answer, but, at least for my son, it has been extremely helpful. Behavior therapy and counseling have also helped.
As others have, I would advise you to seek professional help, read everything you can, and ignore people who tell you she just needs a trip to the woodshed. I believe that many children are misdiagnosed with ADHD. There are some parents who would rather give medication to an active child than deal with parenting responsibilities. There are also children (and adults) with a genuine disease related to the activity level in their brains. These people need assistance, not criticism.
BTW, I am not in the medical profession, but I don’t think anyone who genuinely has ADHD outgrows it. I think that some people learn better coping skills as they mature, but I think that, if it is a correct diagnosis, ADHD is a lifelong disorder. My son was “different” from the day we brought him home from the hospital. ADHD does not just suddenly manifest when a child starts school, although that is typically when the first diagnosis occurs.
Upon rereading the above paragraph, I see a lot of "I think"s in there. At any rate, the literature I’ve read supports my opinions, for what that’s worth. Sorry for the long ramble, and I wish the best to you and your step-daughter.
One more comment–
I said that the medication Strattera had been a godsend. I hasten to add: for my son. People react differently to different medications, and I don’t mean my comment to be a blanket endorsement of Strattera.
I was 19 when I was diagnosed by an ADHD specialist. (If any of you live in the southeast MO/northwest TN/western KY/southern IL area I’d be glad to recommend him.)
It’s not that I drove my teachers crazy in school. I was a Good Student™. I had to have a book with me in class, though. My 11th grade history teacher wasn’t too crazy about me reading during her lectures, but I had to do something, you know? Geometry was spent writing haikus. I passed chemistry only because the teacher liked me and realized I was a bright kid that just couldn’t focus.
A lot of my teachers realized I had it and never said anything. I wish they had. The medication (Adderall) has changed my life. I made decent grades in school, but I think I could have done a lot better had we just known. My mother never considered the possibility because she has ADHD too, and so it never occurred to her that my behavior wasn’t “normal.”
So instead, I almost flunked out of college before I knew.
And yeah: all my life I’ve had a song running through my head, too. It’s neat, kind of like my own personal radio station. (At the moment it’s Carly Simon.)