A prisoner had been caught with a bunch of minor contraband (like a piece of sandpaper and some wire and a rec department handball) and I was doing his hearing (which is on tape so I have to stay serious).
He was presenting his defense which was various unlikely stories about how he happened to be in possession of these items. One of the items he had was a deck of cards which belonged to the rec department and he had presumedly walked away with.
But he was offering this explanation about how the rec employee had found out that the deck of cards was missing some cards so he was going to throw the deck out and the prisoner happened to be in the area and he asked if he could have the deck of cards instead and the employee said he guessed it was okay because they were going to be thrown out but the prisoner was still able to play some games with them even though there were some cards missing etc etc etc.
So I interrupted him and ask “So what you’re saying is that you weren’t playing with a full deck?”
“Exactly, sir.”
My escort officer had to leave the room and go out in the hall to laugh.
In radiological biology class in the army: Instructor is lecturing on the immediate effects of radiation as opposed to genetic damage that may effect offspring.
Maj: Let’s say you’re blasted with gamma rays sufficient to render you sterile. Now does that influence your offspring.
Pvt. Hell: confused Not if I’m sterile.
Just yesterday after fishing a drowned rabbit out of the swimming pool.
Ms.Hell: Did you bury it?
GreenHell: No. I brought it way to the back and threw it on top of the burn pile.
MH: It should have gotten a burial.
GH: It was feral. It had no owner, no one to mourn it, no name even. It won’t even decompose, something will come by and eat it.
MH: OH! THAT’S a nice thought!
GH: Buzzards got a eat same as worms.
(Wondering if I should explain this Clint Eastwood reference to her or not)
“The Bible says ‘He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword’. Then, when Yahweh takes human form, his trade as an adult is that of a carpenter who is ultimately executed by being nailed to a piece of wood? If I had to lay bets on what JC’s profession is gonna be for the second coming, smart money is on salesman for Nerf™ products.”
On the RIDE once, we (my fellow college students who I knew in HS) had another passenger on, her name was Stella (this was c. 1998) and I asked,“So how did you get your grove back?” My friend Jen (who’s since passed away ) Said,“She’s NEVER heard that before!”
Funny thing I said to the late friend I mentioned above: I arrived on campus for 1st day ofcollege, she’s sitting at the elevator bank (we’re both in wheelchairs) and I walk up and ask,“Do I know you?” (I wasn’t in her life for a year) She rolls her eyes, laughing,“Oh, hey, 'do I know you!”".
One of our group was playing one of his less inspired characters, an evil paladin. I was playing some variation of my usual flawed, cowardly, and rather pragmatic thief or bard or whatever. Evil paladin was running around being as conspicuously and overtly eeeeeeevil as possible, never mind whether it made any sense. This eventually got him thrown into jail, at which point I made a comment along the lines of, “Yeah, maybe he needs to sleep off some of that evil.”
Never said it was much, heh, but it was funny at the time.
) Said,“She’s NEVER heard that before!”