Satan: What I see is your heart opening up. All the love that your Beloved brings to you has opened a feeling in you that asks beautiful questions of this place we all find ourselves, and that , lifted by that joyous spirit, you now feel the strenghth to ask other questions.
At about your same age, under different, less clearcut circumstances, I found myself in the same place. I was raised agnostic, by scientists. We never had any sort of church or spiritual practice. But there was always an encouraged sense of query and appreciation for the natural(?) world. I’ve always read widely, especially Eastern religions, since about twelve.
Through a set of trying circumstances- always love or pain- I started an inquiry similar to yours. I examined many paths, and the one that fit with me was Buddhism. It doesn’t posit a Creator God, but, at least from the branch I follow, acknowledges Deities, in an active sense, meaning that there is a response to prayer. The overarching tenet of Buddhism is that it is a misperception of reality that causes suffering.
In that initial search for a path, the common thread I found in the Major religious philosophies was that , at the practice stage, beyond the reading of scripture, it neccessitated an opening of heart. This requires a sublimation of ego, and reliance on faith, best manifested through a qualified teacher. I didn’t get this at first, but , basically, how are you going to understand anything without someone who has already been there?
Most religions have different levels of understanding. The scripture level is a basic understanding of tenets, and give guidance in an underlaying moral conduct, which is a base for a spiritual path. Then there is a “practice” level; a particular means (usually termed “mystical”) to be undertaken with guidance by an adept teacher. Since that technique is more complex, it’s best attempted under direct tutelage, so specific questions can be answered appropriately.
The common thread, to my mind, is that, under certain conditions, the human mind is capable of blossoming beyond our normal functioning. The keys to this are the cultivation of “love” (selflessness?) and compassion. By your discovery of love for another, you’ve awakened this process. Keep your heart open, both to your Beloved, and then also to all beyond that. Realize how precious it is to feel that, and then take it up a notch and give it out to everyone. In my small understanding, that’s the original impetus of all religions.
If you’d like recommended reading: Alan Watts is great: I’d add “The Wisdom of Insecurity” Also, “Inner Revolution”, by Robert Thurman, an understanding of Buddhist thought for Western culture. And, for the lover in you, and also to grasp a bit of Sufism (the poetic/mystic branch of Islam) “The Essential Rumi”, a good translation by Coleman Barks.
I’d just say that you are a Seeker, and that by keeping your heart open, what you need will come to you.
A unique way of putting it, one I’ve never quite heard of (although I think I’d disagree with it). No doubt my minister would get a chuckle out of that.