Please tell me: why did I buy crispy jalapeños on Amazon?

deliciously superfluous

Like tasty donuts
fresh fish

The “hotness” of all (chill) peppers not-so-ironically comes from how sunny, dry and hot they were grown in. “Crispy” really should describe anything outside pea territory where mushy is allowed.

I put em on salads instead of croutons. Also sandwiches.