Yes, I’m curious, too, because there’s no hobby I have that’s more important than my husband.
Unintentionally Blank, I wasn’t proposing that you join TOL, just a look around the pages; like I said, a lot of the advice and steps work for anybody. I proposed three different pages because I’m always amazed at how differently the same product can be presented to audiences from different countries; this is logically more true for psychological products and services.
Sounds like BlankWife may be in flight mode, but my own mechanism for getting out of downs often involves a “going real fast, guns blazing” period; so long as it doesn’t become her default mode it’s OK. Note I said “may”: from previous threads I recall that she felt the need to reclaim herself. That takes time, and you need to “own yourself” before you can “give yourself to another”.
Yeah. It is emotionally draining, especially at first. In my opinion and experience, it’s always going to get worse before it gets better. People go along and doing my best they can to survive, which often involves pushing their feelings about the tragedy or stressor to the back of their minds. In counseling, they’re asked to face it, head on. And it’s painful.
It helps me to think of some things like this: there’s no way around it, over it, or under it. I can’t get past it unless I walk straight through it. That can be horribly painful and scary. However, it’s also the shortest way.
I’ll venture a guess that the hobby is scrapbooking. I may be projecting, because my marriage is in a similar state due to my wife’s “hobby”. “Obsession” would be a better word for it.
Definitely projecting, Gus, even if that happens to be the hobby. The marriage has been in trouble for a while, but BlankWife has only retrieved her old hobby for a few months. Unintentionally Blank’s Christmas gift to her was getting her the space for it.
{{{Gus}}} (you can take them or leave them or keep them for a later date, internet hugs don’t expire)
Dang! I knew there was a good reason I never took up scrapbooking 
Seriously though, a former friend of mine is a devout scrapbooker. We are no longer friends because I do not “scrapbook”. These scrapbookers have weekend retreats and sleepovers where they work on their hobby for hours on end. Its f’ing weird to me. No offence to any scrapbookers reading this. Not intending to hijack thread…
I too am having marital issues…I could have written the OP except for all the recent deaths. Our issues are other big life stressors. The other factors are there however, suicidal thoughts, antideppresant use ,stresses of raising small children, time constraints,blahblahblah
Being about in the same boat, I don’t have a whole lot of advice except that the counciling has helped, me at least. DH is resistant to it, but after the hellish weekend we had he may be more open to it. I really hope he is.
I have been on a couple of anti-deppresants since the birth of my last child and they have all wrecked havoc on the sex life until I got on my present combo. I have more anxiety than depression so I take an antideppresant and a med used off label for anxiety. Its working wonders for me. The libido issues are resolved I’m happy to say. So your wife might want to consider a different med. The newer ones have fewer S.E’s. Best of luck to you. I know it sucks to be in this situation
Mrs. Blank’s Hobby: Halloween. Props, articles, forums, online chats. DIY stuff. Not particularly gory, if you can believe that, but she lives for that holiday (incidentally the second largest money producer behind Xmas). I can’t say I understand it, but I lend my support and gearhead knowledge where I can. She has her own group of people, and it’s got it’s own social dynamic (just like Car people and scrapbookers, I’d expect).
As far as it being more important than me, I think you miss the gist. Based on work schedules and home life requirements, the time spent doing ‘ween’ things is a chance to unwind and be selfish. In the interests of full disclosure, I have similar hobbies (cars, computers and metalworking) And by hobbies I mean: We get, maybe, 10 hours a week to do stuff. It’s not like they’re the overriding timesink. It’s just that, once Work, Kids, Housework, and Hobbies, sometimes marital maintenance falls off the plate.
The Christmas gift was giving her a dedicated space to hone her craft. Otherwise, she had no place to work, which meant every_spare_spot became a hobby place. Now she can get to everything she needs, her tools are there, and the Kitchen, Diningroom and Living room don’t have as much stuff there. When I need a breather, I can go to the Garage…when she needs a breather, she can go to her basement refuge. So far it’s worked well and she’s been rather appreciative.
She has used that exact phrase to describe her coping mechanisms, so I think it’s a valid statement. MY issues stem from mostly treated panick attacks that appear as a fear of being unable to stay married to her. I’m afraid she’ll ‘find a better deal elsewhere’. It’s something I realize is made-up-paranoia, and something I’m trying to cope with.
Just one aspect I’ll address here and perhaps a slightly different approach. I’ve been married for 15 years and we’ve had our ups and downs, so I feel at least a little qualified. Have sex. Don’t worry about being in the mood. Use lube if it’s not physically happening. As long as you’re both physically capable and not repulsed by the other, try to find time to just do it. It can be a quickie. Do it on a regular basis. See what you (collectivelly) can do to try to stimulate her to climax. If not, at least you’ll get some intimate time together. Hope that helps. As someone else mentioned, the fact that you both want to try is so essential, and most definitely in your favor.
If she feels it’s impossible or absolutely doesn’t want to, then as others mentioed she may want to consult her doc to see if a med change is in order.
Actually, she’s been rather accomodating in the sex department. Zoloft doesn’t make her NOT want it, it prevents climax. So it feels good, you just can’t finish. So it’s either a quickie for my needs, or mutual frustration at ‘not getting off’ and my not being able to ‘get her off’.
Do you two regularly go out on dates? As in, going out alone as a couple? It’s OK if you go to Target and pick up shampoo, or go on a walk, but going to a nice restaurant is good too.
After our second child was born, we got a weekly babysitter who shows up every Saturday evening so we can go out alone. I cannot tell you how much I look forward to those evenings and how much they do for our relationship. We don’t do anything all that exciting–sometimes we spend the evening at the bookstore or at a movie–but we are together, alone, focused on each other, and we can relax together. By the end of the week I’m a tired mess and I really look forward to that time.
So, IME, frequent dates are a really good thing for tired people who have a lot to do. Being at home together in the evenings, even if the kids are asleep, just isn’t the same thing (it’s nice too, but not the same).
The trials of my marriage have been discussed on this board in several threads, drug addiction, premature baby, emotional affair.
Until I disclosed to my husband that I thought I wanted a divorce and realized the seriousness of what I needed and what HE stood to lose, did we begin to make headway. Then again, my willingness to let him do it was a huge part. We had a lot of unresolved anger that was coloring our day to day interaction. We sat down, talked about what we each wanted in our lives and how we saw our lives and worked out a plan.
Today I got a note from my husband: The past weeks have been a lot better than I ever would have though possible. In spite of the fact we haven’t really been able to go “do” a whole lot together other than talk, but even that makes me very happy. Don’t for one minute think that I am not capable of doing ANYTHING it takes for you and our family. I would quit drugs and go thorugh hell 1000 times over if it means we get stronger for it. I love you more than I can ever express.
The honest effort he has put forth in the last month to just NOTICE me, include me, and listen to me has enriched the quality of all of our lives.
Neither one of you may be able to think of much worth saving. Imagine how you want your life to be, with or without that person and honestly ask that person if they can help you achieve that, and do the same for them.
Oh, and get counseling. I dearly wish I felt I was important enough to get it.
I’d just like to point out one thing that leaps out at me: time. You haven’t said that you’re making time for each other. You’re both happy to spend time on your hobbies but not on each other. Get a babysitter and go out for a meal. Pack the kids off to the grandparents and have a weekend together. Or if they’re too far away, have the grandparents come over for a weekend and the two of you go off to a hotel.
And the best of luck to you both.
What I see is that the main problem with your marriage is not that it’s weak, but that you both are being assaulted from all sides (work, kids, grief, etc.) It’s only natural when you’re being beaten down all the time that you want to go off and JUST GET AWAY FROM EVERY DAMN THING for a couple of hours.
You need to figure out that your marriage is a source of strength and support when everything else is conspiring against you – not just one more of an endless group of soul-sapping demands and distractions.
And to do that, I also recommend counseling.
Mr. Legend and I are coming up on 26 years of marriage this spring, and I can tell you, we’ve been there more than once. Counseling is a terrific idea, as is continuing to talk and to consider each other’s feelings and needs - it sounds to me like you two are really good candidates for coming through the hard times without coming apart.
And these do sound like some pretty damn hard times. Four-year-old twins? Deaths in the family? Depression? It’s a wonder either of you is functioning at all. Just hang in there, be kind to each other and to yourselves, and get through each day as it comes. In time, the twins will get older and more self-sufficient (which will bring its own challenges), the grief will subside and become more manageable, and it will become easier to find the energy to give more to each other.
In the meantime, the only suggestion I might have is to try to get more involved in each others’ outside interests. At a time when I was depressed and had withdrawn into a world of my own, with my own new friends and new interests, Mr. Legend was able to reach out and show some interest in what I was doing. I was a little grudging at first (this was my escape, and I wasn’t sure I wanted him involved), but when I realized that he was willing to go to some lengths to participate in my interests, it really made me realize how much I meant to him. And when he got to know those new friends, he widened his circle at the same time he was staying close to me.
Good luck with everything. We did save our marriage, and I’m rooting for you to do the same.
Before we were engaged, my husbands parents were in a catastrophic accident. I sat in the waiting room with him and his sister ( who was spazzing out and having a panic attack) and knew from the accident and the early buzzwords of the medical people that his parents injuries Were Not Good and whatever recovery instore would be a long involved process.
Having a front row seat to medical problems in my life I knew that I had an option: stick with this generous, kind, decent man during this shitstorm in his life or walk away to find someone else.
The second thought was quickly discarded. Though he is my greatest challengereally, what husband/wife/partner isn’t?, he is my greatest influence.
Through our marriage I have lost three brothers and two uncles ( it was raining Death for awhile) and he has dealt courageously with his parents & the joys of the continuous crapfest from the insurance company who try to fuck over his parents, his co-dependent sister,
( who shits all over her mother and tries to borrow all of our tools.) my manic depressive-panic attack prone co-dependent mother ( who adores him), the birth of our two best in the world, TYMV children, two car accidents, vertigo (once) and migraines ( routinely) for me and a very depressed economy here in Michigan. He also is very involved with his shooting club, which takes up loads of his time. Whilst I enjoy shooting, it isn’t my cup of tea hanging out with a bunch of Old Germans, but I could fight it and pout like a child (as I did for years) or I could go down and shoot (and beat his scores, which I routinely do.) It’s not love, baby, it’s competition. 
We handle catastrophe like nobody’s business. Rock solid and unblinking. We can communicate without words to each other what needs to be done and do it. Our minds become one and analytical.
It is the day to day mundania that wears down a marriage.
It will be 14 years this May since we married and 19 years (and 30 pounds ago) this summer since we met.
I re-read this wonderful thread on the train ride home last night and one particular line stuck out (said repeatedly in different ways by different people) But most succinctly by Mrs. Glomfluster
In the last couple of days, I’ve looked more critically at the situation and am coming to the realization that Mrs. Blanks sabbatical lefter her feeling a heckuvalot better than me, and the stress of being a single parent for a few days, left me in a pretty depressed state. (A hearty toast to folks that have to do that day-in and day-out)
I’m working on getting a standing appointment for a baby-sitter every other Friday, and some successes in our life have left me feeling a LOT better. Its heartening to know that I’m not the only person to have been through this. I dunno why, but I guess if you see other footprints in the sh*t, it doesn’t feel quite so bad.
Oh and the mental relief of a new Roomba doing the vacuuming is having a surprisingly good effect too. It means we can do stuff instead of vacuuming, and we’ve gotta keep the floor a little picked up to have it work. ($150 semi-regularly on woot.com)
I’m coming to this thread late and it looks like you are already being proactive in dealing with the situation. Good for you. I was struck by the passing of 3 loved ones though, and wanted to comment on that. Several years ago I ran across a list of stressors in our life. Each was assigned a number. A new job was 50 and getting a flat tire was a 5, and so forth. A death in the family was the highest stressor. Supposedly there was a rough number that the average person could handle. A death in the family was a higher number than the number given for what the average person could deal with in a healthy manner. You are dealing with 3 deaths. If that scale is to be believed, your wife and yourself are dealing with triple the stress a person can deal with in a healthy manner.
Your mentioning the deaths leads me to believe you are aware of the influence that issue is having on your marriage. I just wanted to highlight the significance this issue is having on your present situation.
Keep working.
Hugh Without it turning into a pity-party, the last 4 years has had a liberal sprinkeling of economic hardship, unemployment, childbirth, serious family illness, the aforementioned deaths, etc. etc.
Really, our dance card was full! We’re getting medical assistance, and a LOT of the problems have cleared up over the last 6 months or so. It’s going to sound bad, but of the three deaths, the first (my father) affected us the most. The Second (my grandfather), I just couldn’t muster the energy to mourn, and the last (Wife’s last grandma), was a similar situation.
So, yeah, I’m more than aware of the crapload we’ve had. And we’ve both stated how seperating wouldn’t do anything to make any of it better. When we first started out, if you’d told me that two people could get a divorce completely due to factors outside their relationship I wouldn’t believe you…Now? I can see how it could happen.
So glad to hear it! 