I’d be the highest bidder on every ebay auction for a year.
I would build a second moon, using materials scraped from the bottom of the ocean (soil, rock, radioactive waste, etc). It would be a big secret, though - I wouldn’t tell anyone, and everybody would be all surprised to look up at the sky, and go, “Hey! Two moons!”
Also, the dirt harvesting would cause sea level to fall, opening up big new bunches of land. I would choose one of the nicest newly created islands and go live there, in a mansion lovingly built by my loyal slaves.
Did I mention I’d have loyal slaves? Well, I would. Who’d you think was digging up all that ocean floor? Yep, slaves. 'Cept, I’d call them my People. “My People are resposible for the New Moon,” I would announce. “The New Moon is named ***** , after me.”
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I would buy Augusta National. So that I could play it. At any time. Even at night. Also I would admit women members. Not CEO’s - strippers. That way I could annoy Hootie & Martha at the same time.
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I would buy Microsoft. I would then hire programmers that can actually write code without 50 Million security holes, and actually do things that people might actually want to use a computer for. That way I can annoy Bill Gates & Steve Jobs at the same time.
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I would buy a really big tract of land in Florida & make the best amusement park the world has ever seen. That way I’d won’t have to stand in line at the big water ride, with the added benefit of annoying Disney & Univeral at the same time.
I think you get the idea…
I would construct a huge underground complex of small tunnels and chambers, with running water in places, food dispensers, etc., then I would buy thousands of chihuahuahs and turn them loose in it, and check on them every few years to see how they are adapting.
I would establish an idealistic, high-principled democracy that allows its citizens to vote and to elect representatives from all parts of the land to pass legislation, run the government, etc., then–here’s the wasteful part–I’d allow lobbyists of wealthy special interest groups and well-heeled mercenary corporations to effectively buy off the elected leaders so that they create legislation not based on what is right but on where their campaign re-election funding is coming from.
I would buy an island, then encircle it with one of those “lazy river” type things you see at water parks. Bartenders and wait staff would be readily accessible, and no matter where I decided to get out, there would be a scooter waiting to whick me back to my castle.
Yes, castle, complete with hidden rooms and turrets.
And I would have installed, buttons at the top of the stairs, in case I wanted to slide down insted of walk.
There would be wide open fields that I could launch gernades into, just to watch stuff blow up, and large fireplaces in every room.
I would also have one huge room with a machine that made flaked ice.
Another massive room would be filled with snow so I could practice skiing.
Ok, I need a few more billion $, because I’ve got another one: let’s create some fields of academic literary criticism that are so specialized and so utterly without real meaning or value that non-academics, all undergrads, and even most graduate students cannot possibly derive anything helpful from it yet must spend many hours studying it so that they can then play the same game on the next generation.
To encourage this practice and thus, to begin steadily eroding the value of a post-secondary education, we’ll create a promotion and tenure system that only rewards individuals based on their publications in these esoterica and ignores–if not denigrates–their abilities and achievements in the classrooms as teachers.
I’d buy up every piece of non-hazmat junk in the country, then have an open Junkyard Wars battle royale! (Yes, I get to play. Yes, you may defeat me and live to tell the tale.)
I’d buy out the contract of every steenkin’ overpaid entertainer, pro athlete, and supermodel. Then make them all work as burger flippers 40 hours a week. (20 hrs for kids like Brittney Spears and Christina Aguleria.)
I’ll offer a big fat grant to each state on the East Coast to take all their youth offenders and make them clean up the beaches and ocean.
I’ll hire a fashion consultant and develop a fashion sense. This could easily consume half the “unlimited” funds.
ooooh…why only billions? I want trillions or quadrillions!
Think of all the spectacular ways 50 trillion could be wasted!
I’d buy the biggest Island I could possibly get,with all the nutural resources for survival. Then invite every anti-capitalist/anarchist/pacifist to live there in anarchy. Just to see how long it would last. I’d even pay to have them flown in and give them materials & food till they’re on there feet. One giant experiment if you will. Then when anarchy fails and their headed home I’d put up a billboard (at the airport I built) with a pic of britney spears saying “buy pepsi”…
Pablito … I think we already have some of those… at least that’s what it felt like when I was whiling my time away in some horribly boring English lit classes writing essay after essay of criticisms of the various criticisms! (talk about pointless!)
I would build a city that was an exact replica of a Monopoly board and live in the boardwalk hotel for a little while 
You’re right, tanookie; we have at least one. Deconstructionist literary theory.
Had to do my final in one of my English classes on it. Sincerely made me wish I was of legal drinking age, as then I might’ve had a prayer of understanding it. I think I got an A, anyway.
Incidentally, I would buy every single (half-decent) movie on the planet in DVD. And then I would watch them.
I would put all my cash in a big money bin, and dive into it from a great height.
And then I’d go on adventures with my nephew and grand-nephews, travelling around the world discovering mystical objects.
I would buy up a HUGE ammount of land and build replicas of Famous buildings and monuments.
I would buy the Arizona Cards and turn them into a superbowl winning teams. Even if I have to buy the other teams and stock them with people currently bagging groceries.
I would buy a city so I can say “I own this damn road” where I can pull people over and revoke their drivers license for driving like idiots.
Create a huge trust fund that went to education. Where the schools played by MY rules. Where qualified teachers get paid what they should
Buy Fox entertainment Fire all the bastards who made Firefly go away. Then bring the show back.
I would create a huge fund dedicated to getting the human race off this rock. I like the idea of being NASA’s sugar daddy.
I would form a group of dopers as a think tank. Their whole job would be to think of insane funny things to do.
(my anti-Crowley theory)*
Host the biggest wildest SDMB party once a year in exotic and interesting places.
Create the biggest library in the world.
*the Crowley theory(of evil) is mentioned in Good Omens, if you have not read it Shame on you.
I would hire Emeril Lagasse to deep fry a whole elephant and then force feed it to Martha Stewart.
I’d endow a million or so to the Montreal Science-Fiction and Fantasy Association so they could run Worldcon-sized conventions and I could invite the guests.
Michelle Forbes, Robin Curtis and Dwight Schultz would have permanent invites.
Then I’d invade Iraq.
I would plant trees in every available spot in every city in the world (in a fashion that would allow the city to continue to function)
Connect every landmass (including all islands) to each-other with tunnels or bridges.
Pay everyone not to smoke (as much as it takes per person)
Buy solar pannels for the roofs of every house in the world.
Oh, and a hard-boiled egg.
Well, other than the hard-boiled egg, I’d hardly call your choices pointless. Try again.
Ok I’d buy a big giant peach and get my name changed to James.