I think it’s a load of crap that you can be platonic friends with someone you’ve slept with.
ETA this is too strong. Let me amend that to say I think it’s difficult and I think anybody would be right to feel uncomfortable about his/her SO having alone time with a past sex partner.
I think it requires the right kind of personality, certainly, and I don’t think I have it. I’m not “pals” with anyone I’ve slept with. Er. Except the current SO, of course. I mean I’m not on bad terms with any of them, I just don’t see them at all and wouldn’t particularly want to if I had the choice.
I’m positive she wouldn’t have a problem with A-F (though she’d be highly dubious that I couldn’t handle being alone on a Sat. by myself; we’re both incredibly asocial that way).
I’ve never done F before IRL, but I have gone to dinner with a former flame, just last week actually, and it was no biggee.
First three, he wouldn’t care. Second three, he’d wonder why I was going to the movies because I really hate going to the movies…
But, to be less of a wiseass, if it was what would normally be considered a “date” with one of the last 3 people, I don’t think he’d care. He probably wouldn’t be all that thrilled if I hung out with an old boyfriend, but I don’t think he’d be angry or raise a big objection - he just wouldn’t be comfortable with the situation. And because of that, I’d never put him in that position. I wouldn’t see an ex without my husband around.
One of my best friends is a former girlfriend. We went out and then decided, mutually, that we were better off as friends only. There’s still a chemistry but we both know it would be a disaster (again). My ex-wife didn’t have any objection when I would hang out with this woman, either. We ended up getting divorced for reasons unrelated to our choice of friends.
I won’t disagree that it’s uncommon or difficult, but it can be done, and be positive and rewarding and not a source of friction.
I am not currently in a relationship.
I currently do things with a couple of different men who I’ve slept with. One is someone I have a weekly coffee date with, and we occasionally do a movie or dinner or something in addition; another is someone who is now in a new relationship, so I see him less often – but do see him every couple of months for dinner, or a concert (we both love going to hear live music), or a movie.
I have not slept with either of these men in, I dunno, three years or so.
Are you saying I should not describe these as friendships, or are you saying that I’m lying about the fact that I’m no longer sleeping with them?
I thought his edit made his position a bit clearer, although that may still leave questions in your head. But I think it would be fairer to quote the latter part of what he had to say.
I’d guess there was a better than even chance you would sleep with them again if they asked you.
I think that past sexual partners tend to fall into two categories – you either lose interest in them altogether (not always hating them, quite often you can still get along with them but getting along is not the same thing as gratifying friendship) or you still want to fuck them.
Maybe you’re an exception. I’m speaking in tendencies and likelihoods, not absolutes. I also think the length and seriousness of the previous relationship has something to do with it.
Of the items on your list, I think the last one is the only one my wife or I would be uncomfortable with. Neither of us would try to forbid the other from seeing an ex (and this is mostly theoretical since we’ve been together for 17+ years and wouldn’t know where to dig up an ex if we wanted to) but it would seem a little weird. We’ve both had platonic friends of thje opposite sex and never been bothered by it but if one of us had wanted to meet alone with someone we’d boned before…that would be weird for us.
No problem with any of these, although there might be gentle teasing about going out with the ex. We trust each other.
My best friend is an ex and we spend a fair amount of time together, unexpectedly drop in on each other, go out to dinner, etc. Very much like the fictional Jerry & Elaine situation. My SO has no problems with this, in fact sometimes the three of us go out for dinner or a movie.
A through D, my husband would not even shrug. E, he would be less than delighted with and F might royally piss him off without the major fight–he’d just be pissed.
A through F, I wouldn’t shrug, either—his ex’s have very much moved on.
I know that some people’s definition of dating includes people they’ve had sex with, but I dated several men that I didn’t have sex with. Dated, as in dinner and a concert, movies…you know; dates.
He would not even shrug at any of them. I would be very angry about E, and profoundly enraged at F.
I would be fine with my wife on any of those. My wife, OTOH, would know that whichever of those I tell her I would do, I would actually be at home, in boxers, eating cold pizza and playing PS2.
Scenario “e” jumps right out at me :rolleyes:
What, you’re saying not only is it impossible to be platonic friends with someone you have slept with, it’s also impossible to be platonic friends with someone you haven’t?
Yikes, it must be so weird to be male, if all you can do is think about jumping anything in the immediate vicinity.
Vol. 14 was better.
Regards,
Shodan
He wouldn’t care about any of them - after almost eight years together, he’s 100% secure in our relationship. Ditto.
See here to see the percentage of acquaintances men think of having sex with. It’s not pretty.
My wife and I would both have a problem with these two.
It’s OK to be friends with members of the preferred sex, but seeing them one-on-one in date-like situations (movies, dinner, dancing) is not OK by me.
A-E are no big deal, for E, in fact, most of my friends are queer anyway. F might be a bigger deal if I did it than if he did, but I don’t think he would have a problem with it. The closest I’ve ever come is having lunch with one of my exes who happened to be passing through town.