**jayjay **and Rhiannon04, thanks so much for sharing the way things work for you. Suburban Plankton, are you one of Rhiannon04’s partners? I’d love to hear your take on things, as well, if we can cajole you into sharing.
I’ve answered Heffalump and Roo’s questions in other posts, but I’m going to go ahead and answer them all again. It intrigues me to watch how I and others change as time goes on, so I will disclaim that these answers are true for right now. They may vary from answers I’ve given to the same questions in the past. So be it. One of the things this marriage model has taught me is that it’s important to communicate where I am right now, in the moment, not to stick to answers I gave before - if I’m feeling threatened now, I have to say it, even if 2 hours ago I reassured everyone I was fine. OTOH, this might be a whole lot of repeatin’ if y’all read one of the previous poly threads, and I apologize for that. But H&R deserves just as complete and currently honest an answer as those old posters got, so I won’t simply link to an old thread.
And, of course, these answers are only for one particular open marriage - mine. Different people have very different answers, even to the simple logistical questions.
The married part or the open part? (I’m not being snarky - a very common question is, “So why get married, then?”) The married part brings the same benefits I assume most marriages do - I have a partner in life. We’re raising kids together, we like spending a lot of time together in shared interests. We help each other grow as people. When I met him, I knew he was “the one” in terms of being a person I want in my life forever in a primary way. We love each other a lot, we just don’t love each other exclusively.
The open part has what I would consider obvious benefits: relationships with other people that don’t cost me my marriage. Most of my relationships stem from friendships that grow closer and closer until we realize there’s something “more”. I can pursue that passion without being afraid of losing the person I want in my life forever. That’s a huge benefit for me. A side benefit is that I don’t have to worry about my husband misinterpreting *innocent *actions - I can give a male friend a backrub or hang my arm around his shoulders and my husband isn’t tortured, wondering if something is going on. If something is going on, I’ll let him know (or he can ask.)
Most of ours have been fairly short term, but not by design. By short term, I mean around the 4-6 month mark, not one-night stands. I know other people who have been involved for years, but I’m sorry to say I haven’t found someone like that. OTOH, I tend to get involved with friends who strong feelings develop for, and have maintained all those friendships, but the sexual part of the relationships haven’t lasted as long as I’d like sometimes.
I never been so tempted, but my husband was once. Our first year together, when we were still dating, my husband met one woman he considered leaving for. It was almost a Jungian archetypal experience for him - I represented stability and family life and urban “normal” living - she was a free spirit earth mama hippie who lived in a log cabin in a nature sanctuary with no running water or electricity. He says he wasn’t so much choosing between two women as between two ways of life. Eventually he introduced the two of us when she came to town. I was nervous as hell, but we got along great. Somewhere in the evening she just sat back and watched us for a while, and then smiled and told us how beautiful we were as people and as a couple. He and I looked at each other and smiled, and all that nervousness just melted away. I knew he was “mine” as much as another human ever could be. That was the last time I felt threatened by another woman around him.
For me, they are primarily emotional, or at least, they derive from an emotional connection. That was how it was when I was single and dating too.
I share your concerns, especially with the not-really-Mormon situations with child brides or family pressure to marry. I don’t condone any of that sort of nonsense. I’m not sure what sort of “safeguards” could be put in place, formally or informally. If I sense that a supposedly “open” relationship is happening under duress, I won’t get involved with either member of the relationship, and I counsel my husband to do the same. He’s not so good at recognizing it, but he’s starting to learn to just trust my read and walk away. (See above re: he’s a magnet for damaged goods and loonies.)
I’m going to steal Rhiannon04’s answer: “I can only speak for myself and my husband, but the times in our [8] year marriage that he and I have been closest, the times that our marriage have been at its best, are the times that I have been involved in a secondary relationship. Somehow, it takes the pressure off of my husband in some areas and we can really enjoy each other.”
This has occasionally come up for us, mostly when my husband’s juggling someone else. There’s no drama around it, I simply quietly say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed with the house and kids and I need your help this weekend doing XYZ. Please consider staying home.” And he does. Usually he hasn’t even noticed he’s been absent so much and is very apologetic about it. I would never forbid him to go out, I can’t imagine our marriage would be in a good place if it came to that! I simply tell him what’s up for me and he tells me what’s up for him and we work out a solution that works for both of us. When he shares what’s up with me, I don’t always insist he stay home: he spent a lot of time with one of his girlfriends as her mother was dying. When he told me that was the reason, my irritation just went away and I was encouraging him to spend more time with her, instead!
Just a note for context: yes, my husband does have lots more other partners than I do. I’m just not as interested in it to make the time for it. I really like my kids and my house and this is where my focus is. He dated a lot more than I did while we were single, too, so this is nothing new. I don’t feel “cheated” or feel like we need to have “equal” partners or anything.
As** Ferret Herder** says, plenty of people find the time for extra-marital affairs. For us, it tends to be weekend and vacation oriented. We camp a lot at pagan campgrounds and festivals, and I’m always open to some stud catching my eye around a campfire. Never happened for me, but I’m open to it. 
Like I said, I tend to be that girl who falls for her friends, which is a nice way of hanging out with your friends and your love at the same time. 
If I was to have another partner right now, what would get trimmed is my time on the Dope. I spend a LOT of time on here, and that’s a non-essential that would be easy to reduce to gain time to spend with another person.
OH! And an update for oldtimers: I finally told my son outright that we have an open marriage. He got to 14 without asking, and someone made some comment in front of him that went right over his head, but convinced me it was time to have The Talk. So while we packed the car for camping last weekend, I told him. He was cool as a cuke, that kid. It helped, I think, that we were going to a campground with several polyfamilies, and I told him to feel free to talk or rant to anyone he liked about it, and named some kids who have poly folks so he doesn’t feel weird or alone. I also shared with him my shock of learning about my own parent’s open marriage from a stranger, and told him I wanted to spare him that.
