I don’t like elaborate weddings, graduations or dances.
I was going to convert you all with a closely reasoned treatise on the evils of pomp and circumstance, shaming you into abandoning your medieval customs and class distinctions but I’d rather hear your take on it.
Just to clarify my position: I have (quite deliberately) have never attended a formal dance, have never even worn a tuxedo, didn’t attend my own high school or college graduation ceremonies, and Mrs. Pluto’s and my wedding reception cost about $200. I think that most of the pomp and circumstance surrounding formal occasions exists because of either 1) peer pressure, 2) commercialism, or 3) out-dated traditions that we cling to because we don’t understand or believe in the sacredness of the occasion itself.
For instance – graduation. Mortarboards? How medieval can you get? Where does the tassel go? Which side? What color? Does anybody really care ten minutes after the ceremony? And all the ancillary activities – graduation parties, senior trips. I think the first year of college was cheaper than the last year of high school.
Weddings. I’ve seen weddings where the bride was beside herself because everything wasn’t absolutely perfect of her day! I hate that phrase! Why does the joining of a man and women in marriage need to be surrounded by ceremony commensurate with a coronation?
Formal dances. I’m not opposed to holding junior and senior proms. Let the kids play dress-up once in a while. But my kids’ high school has three or four formal dances a year. These things are expensive! And you don’t just go to the dance – there is an enormously expensive dinner before, drop in to the dance for pictures and see what everyone else is wearing, and then some follow-on activities. Do teen-agers really need this? My kids have spent hundreds of dollars on formal dates. And you can imagine how easy it is to get me to part with the cash! And the peer pressure! You’ve got to go to the prom! Who cares if it’s someone you like? Spend a couple hundred on somebody you hardly know. Isn’t that what dating’s all about?
Have I made myself clear? Could I be any more opposed?
So weigh in with your side of the equation. Better yet, agree with me.
My curmudgeon hat is blue. And I agree with you completely. Please… spare me the overdone, over-hyped bs that people seem so happy to buy into in regard to “occasions”. It always seems to be more about the display than about the meaning behind the ceremony/event. I can’t stop it, but I don’t buy it, and I refuse to condone it.
Hmmmm… $20,000 to spend as I start my newly married life; I could spend it on an elaborate wedding, or I could put a down payment on house (or something similar). Obviously, the wedding is the correct choice for most people. WTF?
No arguments here. I didn’t attend any high school dances, attended high school graduation only cause I had to speak (I was salutatorian - who the hell cares what I had to say?), graduated college a semester late because they wouldn’t give me my diploma when I refused to walk, and got hitched at the courthouse for a grand total of $102.50. (And, now that I’m thinking about it, it cost me more - $160 - to get dehitched. Something’s wrong here.)
All of the things you mentioned above are rites of passage. I, personally, like to celebrate rites of passage by surrounding myself with family and friends, and throwing parties.
I went to both my junior and senior proms, and had a blast. My graduation party is going to be similar, and goddamn it, I worked HARD for that degree, so I’m not going to just have them send it to me in the mail–I’m going to stand up with pride and have them hand me my diploma. And afterwards, my friends and family are going to all go out to celebrate my achievement.
As for my marriage, well, I want it to be the happiest day of my life, and watching my friends and family have fun because they are celebrating the fact that I’m marrying the man I love. While the marriage will mean exactly the same thing if I go to a justice of the peace, it won’t be nearly the same if my friends and family aren’t there to offer me and my future husband love and support as we stand in front of them and commit ourselves to one another.
You can do all of these things inexpensively, mind you, but I’ve offered you good reasons for the pomp and circumstance.
I’m not in any way opposed to celebrating rites of passage. What I am troubled by is letting the pomp get in the way of the celebration. I may have made too much of the costs involved – it’s not the costs themselves but what the money is buying. You pointed out good reasons why family and friends should be included and I’m with you 100%. I just don’t think they need to be included at the ritziest place in town. I sometimes think people feel they’ll lose face or something if they don’t have an enormously elaborate and expensive wedding.
Remember the scene in “Sixth Sense” where the couple is buying a ring and the groom gets pressured into buying the really expensive one because the saleswoman suggests that anything less would be merely adequate? That’s the sort of thing I’m talking about.
I know that you and several other dopers are planning weddings and, believe me, I thought twice about bringing this up for fear I was going to hurt someone’s feelings. But I also saw my daughter nearly in tears and her friend actually reduced to tears while they were getting ready for the prom. All because their expectations were so high about what was essentially meaningless. When they actually went on the date they had a great time. But, IMHO, this was in spite of all the fuss, not because of it.
But you’re right. Invite your friends, let them take part, show them a good time. But whatever you do – don’t throw rice, it makes the little birdies explode!
not only that but on common occassions like Christmas we have let the superficial things take over. I hate all those celebrations and all the present buying and giving. I refuse to participate as I see the whole thing as a waste of time, effort and money.