Poorly Conceived Messages From Management, Part the One Millionth and One

So, every day at work the employees get a message about what’s going on, problems to avoid, etc, and at the end there’s a “Thoght for the Day.” Typically the “Thought for the Day” is some bit of positive glurge, like “Let a smile be your umbrella” or “Inspiration is 99 percent perspiration.”

A recent “Thought for the Day” was “He who pays the piper calls the tune.”

So, management wanted to remind us that because they pay our salaries, they get to tell us what to do. Thank you for reminding me of that, management. Thanks for taking the time to say, “I’m the boss and you’ll do what I say.” It has inspired me – to do my job in as half-assed a manner as is humanly possible.

Way to go, idiots.

Maybe they’re just Zep fans.

“Let a smile be your umbrella”

Warning: Smiles are ineffectual in warding off rain and snow. Use a real umbrella.

“He who pays the piper calls the tune”

But people only dance to a tune they like.

“Inspiration is 99% perspiration.”

Spoken like someone who pays others for their work.

“I’m the boss and you’ll do what I say”

True, but as you’ll soon find out, if people don’t like the way you say it, they’ll find ways to do it poorly, or they’ll find another boss who isn’t a dick.

Why don’t you start publishing your own Thought for the Day on behalf of the employees? Here’s one to start you off: Unhappy Employees Make Crappy Widgets

Just get a bunch of Demotivators from Despair dot com and spread them all over the workplace.

Maybe they’re just dropping hints. You’re getting a jukebox for Christmas.

Or the classic, “The beatings will continue until morale improves.”

Or “We will pretend to work as long as you pretend to pay us.”

A smile is the wrong shape for an umbrella. Try a frown.

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Here’s another one: “If You Pay Us Just Enough To Keep Us From Quitting, Then We’ll Work Just Hard Enough To Keep From Being Fired”

I’d bet money they were referring to the customers, not management.

I used to work for a restaurant chain in HS and college. Every holiday, the local corporate office folks would all sign a card, xerox it, and send it to all the restaurants. One year on Labor Day, their card explained the history and purpose of Labor Day and how it was designed as a day of rest for the working man … all while ignoring the fact that THEY (the office workers) got the day off, but for all us folks out in the field (you know, the ones actually making money) it was just a normal business day.

My boss and I wrote a note saying so and sent it back to the regional VP. :smiley:

How about

If you pay peanuts then you get mysterious breakdowns in expensive irreplacable equipment plus your brake pipes get cut…and Oh I nearly forgot you’re a cunt and your wifes ugly.

Thanks for all the comforting words. I especially enjoyed the one about the explanation for “Labor Day.” It has that wonderful tone deafness that management gets sometimes. And “If you pay us just enough not to quit, then we’ll work just enough to not get fired,” well, that’s got to be the unofficial motto of the American workforce with wages stagnant for so long.

or, “your wife’s cunt’s ugly”.

I much prefer being more direct.

Having worked most Labor Days in my adult life, this one makes me smile. Thanks.

Reminds me of keychains that were handed out at a former place of employment that said “Do It Right the First Time.” I kept expecting to flip it over and see “Or Else.”

My workplace has a large feral cat problem (the …er… problem, not the cats). There are several families of them living in the grounds. Been there about two years, and we’ve got several generations going.

Management made some sort of half-arsed attempt to trap them. Signs were put up about how the traps were humane (which they were), and the cats would be taken to the RSPCA.

All well and good, but either management got bored, or the cats got smart (I think the latter). I think only one or two were trapped.

Then came two notices, one after the other (from the same guy):

#1: “Please do not feed the cats. They are not pets. They are essentially wild animals, and carry pests and disease.”

…a mere day later…

#2 (by way of a glossy poster with stock photos of pure-bred Persians, etc): “ADOPT A CAT! If you’d like to provide a home for a feline companion, please see reception.”

Reminds me of a mantra from IT days, variously worded by job site and function;

There’s never time to make it work the first time, but there’s always time to fix it.

It just seemed to be a never ending pattern at so many different places of employment that they’d deliberately mess up the time estimates in order to meet absurd demands from the clients. It’d be our job to get something completed by the deadline, after which they could negotiate for additional time to fix all the stuff we idiot IT people “screwed up” the first time. :rolleyes:

No, we didn’t screw up. You have us six months to do a two year project. And you changed the requirements several times in those six months, right up to the very end. We gave you what we could.