First, some disclaimers: I am not a parent (although that is planned for the near future), and I know only as much about psychology as the elective undergraduate class or two will provide, however, I just had this interesting thought on child rearing that I would love to have folks debate and “kick the tires on”.
Basically, my though is this: It is pretty well established that, until they are properly socialized, children are pretty damn nasty to each other. They establish hierarchies, compete and backstab and ostracize each other in a way that would make baboons proud.
So, what would be the harm in just keeping them away from each other until they learn to act human? This would assume that they would be hanging out and socializing with adults.
I can think of at least one potential benefit; namely that they would probably mature more quickly just by the nature of the company that they are keeping. It also seems to me that they would avoid a lot of the psychic harm that comes from the way that kids treat each other.
It might also be beneficial to adults, in that they would have a build in excuse for engaging in more childish pursuits.
isn’t it natural for them - some of them - to act this way? we, as fully grown humans, establish hierarchies, compete and backstab and ostracize each other… but maybe we wouldn’t if we hadn’t had the opportunity to establish these very human traits as youngsters… Hmmm. Then again, maybe humans need these traits to continue to ‘progress’, push forward…
Personally, I think that being told not too pull another kids hair is better than denying access completely to fellow primates. This is the teaching process. When I buy a new goldfish, I leave it in the plastic bag, inside the bowl, allwoing both fish to get used to each other before letting them swim together. I’m the king of bad analogies.
The problem is that children need social interaction – with as diverse of a pool of subjects as possible – for proper emotional development. If a kid only gets to deal with Mom, Dad, and Grandma all the time, he’s going to be thrown for a loop the first time he meets Someone Else who doesn’t act the way Mom, Dad, or Grandma do.
At best, I think your scheme would simply be delaying the emotional development of the child; he might seem to be well-behaved, but the first time he interacts with strangers, that unfamilarity is going to override all those etiquette lessons.
One problem with socializing children among adults is that they don’t have the brain development to comprehend what they would be immitating. The frontal lobes (that can make it feel wrong to verbally/physically/socially abuse another kid) aren’t fully functional yet–they CAN’T act mature.
And part of learning how to interact with others comes from doing it improperly, or seeing it done improperly, and observing the result. Most of the back-stabbing, etc. that I see in life is done by people with low self-esteem: they beat others down to increase their own relative position. A confident individual who is comfortable with his abilities and position is free to get on with life, as a leader or follower depending on his constitution, without the need for destructive conflict.
I would assert that the psychic harm incurred during childhood is not due to receiving abuse (from another kid in your scenario), but rather that the receipient of the abuse allowed harm to be done. If a kid is fat/ugly/stupid/slow/over-bright/otherwise-not-average, other kids WILL notice. If those kids feel threatened by the different child, or if they see an opportunity to dominate him, they will. They are frontal-lobeless animals. The degree to which they will do this depends on their own self-image: is this different kid a threat? is a bolstering of self-esteem (gained from sucessfully degrading another kid) needed? See what I’m getting at? Kids who like who they are will be less likely to behave in an antisocial manner, and kids who like who they are won’t care if someone brings their un-normalness to their attention. This all sounds fluffy, but I’ve seen this stuff personally.
The proper focus, then, is on creating people who are comfortable with themselves. Given the choice, kids will play and have fun. Take away the “need” for bullying, back-stabbing, etc. and the behavior and its consequences will also go away.
I’ve met quite a few children who were somewhat isolated from their peers because their parents chose to home-school them. I don’t want to start a debate, nor am I saying that all home-schooled children are this way, but many of them I have met are socially awkward, some extremely.
Without peer groups, socialization is hobbled. Matchka is right: children need peers to learn how to properly interact with one another. Parents can teach manners, but peers teach extremely valuable social “ettiquette”.
I think it depends on too many factors. If they are actually kept from socializing, then it will go ill for the children. If, however, a child is kept with its parents until it is 3 or 4 or 5, and if those parents are responsible attentive and willing to translate their requirements for the child to its level, then there is nothing worng with it. Theoretically, a very good day care or pre school could provide a similar enviroment.
In either case, I think it is most important to translate the desires (requirements) of the adult world into terms that the child can understand. Simple things in the begining. No hitting. That sort of thing. They can be taught to be quite civil if
Adults are consistently civil towards them and towards each other.
Useful lesons in empathy are provided. I find pets or careing for charished toys can accomplish this.
Requirements for civil behavior are consistently enforced. This basically means that you don’t reward uncivil behavior. It can be tricky, however, as sometimes punishment can be percieved as a sort of reward.
I’m sure there are other things along these same lines. Have fun listening to all the things people say. But remember the only rule of parenting is never take advice. It means that you listen to anyone you want. But never do anything as a parent simply because someone else thinks its a good idea.
As do adults. We just tend to do it in different ways then children.
How many years does it take for a child to start acting “human?” I don’t have any problems with children but I don’t want to interact with them all the time. There are things I might do or say that would be appropriate in the presence of adults that wouldn’t be appropriate with children. For example a child would more then likely be bored with adult Trivial Pursuit while I’d be bored to tears with a version of the game for children.
Children require interaction with other children/adults in order to learn to act human. At first they expend great amounts of energy learning to control their developing muscles , ie : my son sees his parents petting the cats/dogs and attempts to immitate the action but is too rough. Slowly he learns a) to control his actions and b) to achieve the desired response from his actions through this control.
My son has been a bit isolated from other children due to where we live in relation to other children and it does become evident when he’s around his cousins (twin boys). The twins have a form of cooperation worked out insofar as 15 monthers can; they work things out together, share toys, and create general mahem as a team, while my son observes. He has not developed an intense possessivness of his things (with the exception of his special blanket!) and he’s learned from the twins a bit how to play with others, but he still is a bit of the outsider when around other children with more social experience.
Kids are cool!