Possible step-kids? Aiee! Help!

[gubernator]

Run, get outta there. You said so yerself you don’t want kids, and there the kids are! Besides, the whole “you’ll always come in second” thing don’t sound so good for you either. I know he’s their father and all, but he ought to have at least the courtesy to sweet talk you on that out or plain weasel outta the question. Fact that he told you the honest truth just like that means he don’t even like you enough to lie!

[Rilchiam]

Here’s the thread I was looking for.

I know it’s not exactly the same thing, but here goes.

From the OP:

SO has been making comments that he thinks the best solution is for us to break up since his son obviously has a problem with our relationship.

Reply:

If the SO is really interested in saving yall’s relationship he’ll sit down with the kids and explain the situation. If he doesn’t stop this now it will just get worse. “Hey, I made Dad pick this Mommy. Wonder what else I can make him do?”

Reply:

A couple things that caught my eye in your OP were: “the problem seems to be the five year old” I know this is a bit out of context, but the implication makes me shudder. astro made a good point. You seem to be making excuses for the SO. Please don’t lay the responsibility on the kid. <snip> The child will be bitter. There’s not much you can do to alleviate that except weather it and try to be a good parent, if that’s the role you are assuming. In time, if things work out between your SO and you, the child will come around. You can give the child consideration without giving in to the child. <snip> I’ve seen people make their lifestyle decisions based soley on their children’s whims and it NEVER works out.

Reply:

I’ve always had it preached to me that the bottom line is making the kid happy: if a child doesn’t like his custodial parent’s SO, the SO goes. That sounds great on the face of it, but your SO can’t spend the next 13-16 years letting his son ruin every relationship he has. I hope that whatever happens, he (dad) comes to realize that.

Reply:

Oh my God! Who says that? I’m a stepmother and my stepdaughter loathed my guts for 5+ years. She manipulated, lied and was a general PITA. However my SO stuck it out with me because the fact was she was gonna carry on like that regardless of who he was with.

She’s an adult with her own life now and we are still together. I have reservations about whether I would do it again.

IMO the adults have the relationship and as long as the stepparent is kind and respectful, then the kid has to learn to deal. If the stepparent is not good to the kid, then things need to be addressed but all things being equal, I don’t see why the parent has to put their adult life on hold.

Reply:

It would be an awful thing for your boyfriend to make his decision based on his five year old. Running his father’s personal life is a huge responsibility for such a young one, and it ultimately will not breed respect for his father, or make for a happy child. I would hate to be involved with someone so wishy-washy that he would dump someone he loves, instead of trying to make things work between the three of you.

Reply:

I think, if you intend on marrying someone with children, in most cases at least, there is a certain obligation to assume some parental roles. I know this is not true in everyone’s situation, especially those with older children, but from my experience, this is generally true. This doesn’t ever mean that you are supplanting the other parent, it just means you become an additional parent.

Again, I say, the situation in the linked thread is more complex than what lovelee described. But it’s still a situation with an SO and his kids.

Y’all are acting as if lovelee started a Pit thread saying “I want those kids outta there! I want my SO all to myself!” She didn’t. I get the impression that she just doesn’t want to be relegated to permanent “dad’s girlfriend” status, and that she wants to be accepted rather than merely tolerated.

[Napier]

I don’t want kids of my own, but I married 1 lady + 2 stepkids 15 years ago.

One of the stepkids was much younger and we bonded. The older one is more like a friend or relative, but the younger one feels like mine in some sense I can’t pin down.

Now that kid, grown and out of the house, is the most important person in the world to me. Not the closest, but the most important.

Don’t know how to explain it, but it’s very real!

[Kalhoun]

Well, for one thing…I don’t think it would be fair to meet the kids until you’re sure you want to get into this thing.

Second, your friend is a jerk to say that his kids come first. Anyone with an ouce of brains would know that a statement like that just breeds contempt and a power struggle. He should be of the mindset that the entire relationship is a living, breathing, evolving unit and that actually, at times, YOU will come first…other times, the kids will come first. And lo and behold, sometimes, HE will actually come first. Hopefully the family unit will trump everything else. You’re setting yourself up to be a doormat to both him and the kids. Stay alert. Danger ahead.

[lovelee]

My current theory is that “the statement” itself is largely prompted by a large pile o’ guilt, because he’s non-custodial. That’s why I haven’t really pressed the issue of the terrible semantics.

I’m glad my last post seems to have clarified my OP a bit, though. Rilchiam is right on.

[OldBroad]

I am a stepmother. My ex had a daughter when we married, and my present husband has two sons.

Couple things: First, if his situation is like most, you will probably have to manage his kids only on a visitation basis. Second, how his kids will accept you will depend much on how he describes you to them and how he treats you in their presence. His ex’s attitude will also have some bearing but, depending on the kids’ ages, smart kids will see through a negative attitude if they see that it is unfounded.

In many ways, kids are just small inexperienced people. (Yes, I know that’s a gross oversimplification.) They respond to kindness, affection, and goodwill. There’s a reason their father loves you. They will respond to the same qualities he loves.

One advantage they have over adults is that they’re not so sophisticated as to have lost their instincts. Like the small furry creatures you love, kids can sense your fear of them. They will also sense your efforts to reach out to them - even if those efforts are a little clumsy at first. Unless they were (and are) exposed to a severely acrimonious divorce, they’ll want to like you just because their Daddy does. You must be ok if he says so.

Understand that a permanent relation ship with this man also means a permanent relationship with his kids and their mother for as long as you live. If you marry and his ex marries, there will be 2 sets of parents at school events and graduations, weddings, grandchildrens’ school events, etc. You truly get an extended family. At my son’s wedding there were 4 parents (his and hers) and 4 stepparents (his and hers).

And, yes, his kids will come first. If things work out well, they’ll come first in your heart, too.

Good luck.

[Aries28]

You’ve gotten some good advice but I’ll throw in my 2 cents anyway…

I am a step mom to 3 children. A 10 year old boy and 7 year old twins. It has not been easy and it has not been pretty. They hated me from the get go but I think they are warming to me now that their Dad and I have been married 3 years and have our own son together.

My stepkids’ mother told them horrible things about me. She told them I was taking their Daddy away. She told them their Daddy left them for me.

Now I will admit their Dad and I started dating before his divorce was final and I accept the consequences of that.

I have strived to let them spend quality time alone with their Dad and also let them know I’m not trying to take the place of their mother.

Sauron treats my son (from a previous marriage) like his very own and I love him even more for that. I cannot seem to develop the same feelings for his children and that bothers me a great deal. I care about them. I want them to like me and I want them to be happy but I honestly can’t say I have the same type of love for them as I do for my own 2 sons.

I feel like a failure as their stepmom but I hold on to the fact that as time goes by and they get older they will understand more about their mom, my situation with their Dad and can come to have a good relationship with me.

It HAS gotten better…it just isn’t where I wish it would be.

[maidenunicorn41]

I am a step-mom to 3 kids ages 13.11 and 10. .I have been in their lives for 3 yrs now and they love me . They call and talk to me and cant wait to visit us … if they could I think they would choose to live with us …(but that would hurt their mom so they dont talk about it with her) My son is 21 so his new step -dad (he calls him pop) has become his best friend and they have the same interests… I think you just have to be yourself and the kids will make up their own minds whether they like you or not .

[skeptic_ev]

Originally posted by Aries28:
Sauron treats my son (from a previous marriage) like his very own and I love him even more for that. I cannot seem to develop the same feelings for his children and that bothers me a great deal.

I’m not sure how exactly to put this, Aries28 … it’s possible to treat someone differently than how you feel. Of course you don’t feel exactly the same toward your step-kids as toward your own; the relationship is different. What’s important is that you treat them the same (as far as fairness, consideration, and all that goes). I think you’re probably doing a better job of it than you think you are. They’ll figure out the stuff with their mom eventually.

Sorry for the hijack. Carry on.