I was wondering, how is it. Are kids a relationship buster, especially considering when they don’t like the parents new interest. I know it would vary, according to age, perhaps gender (my own limited experience seems to indicate that boys are very protective of mothers), relationship if any with other parent.
Would you end a relationship if you knew your kids did’nt like you SO? Or perhaps if SO did’nt like the kids. Would you allow the kids a veto?
I ask, because I was in a relationship (until recently) with a widow with a son. Sweet boy, and I got the feeling he did’nt like me. I was polite and tried to interact with him, but he was evasive and I respecte that I in his eyes compared poorly with his father. I never really discussed it with my ex-GF, we never got to that stage, and I doubt the cause of the relationships termination was entirely her sons dislike of me, there were many other reasons. But, I would like to know, what it is like from the other side.
I can tell you about my experiences - if that’ll help.
My son only had to deal with three men in his life other than his father - an ex-boyfriend of mine who was given the boot after he started hitting me, and another ex-boyfriend who I dated before I met my now-husband. And he was very very young. He was thrilled when the ex who beat me up was given the boot - it was because he had hit me in front of my son that started the whole thing rolling - I wasn’t going to stand for it - and he didn’t really care all that much about the second guy so when we broke up it wasn’t a big deal. I never did bring guys around my son, though, until we had been together for awhile and it looked like it would be a long term relationship so since we hadn’t dated long, my son didn’t much care.
My current husband and my son were not really ok with each other at first - my son thought I would spend all my time with husband and none with him anymore (son and I have always been very close). But he got to like him fine and he became the father my son had wanted. HOWEVER - when we made the decision to move in together, I let my son have a say in the whole process - it’s only fair. And would I have taken my son’s feelings into consideration? Absolutely. When you have kids it isn’t about you anymore - it’s about them.
Now, he and my husband are very very close - they fight and argue just like they were real father and son - they remind me of my brother and father when my bro was that age.
I know I ramble and this probably hasn’t helped much but hey - I tried.
Shoot - Perhaps I should answer the questions, huh? SORRY! (The edit time ran out or I’d have just added this to the above post.)
Depends on the reason they didn’t like him. Jealousy is one thing - but if the guy is mean or something, yep. I’d end it. Kids can be very good judges of character (and parents can tell what their children’s motivation is for not liking someone - or at least I can.)
Yep. My son and I are a package deal.
I’d allow them a say. It all depends on the situation, know what I mean?
IME, kids will either dislike you, latch onto you or ignore you.
If they dislike it could be that they resent this new person because it takes away energy/time given my mom. So, I would not take the dislike as a veto but as a starting point of discussion. IME, the discussion usually goes down the path of ‘you’re my mom…you can’t date!’. A possible response is to say ‘you’re my son…so you can’t have friends…you have to be my son’
I’ve seen this work on a couple of friends kids. It worked as they saw how unreasonable they were being.
Now, if the kid comes up with some good sounding reasons why he doesn’t like him…then that gives you something to think about.
Latching on kids are just as bad. I dated a couple of women that, IMO, let me see her kids too soon. They latched onto me something fierce (hey…I am a good guy ). The problem is that the realtionship isn’t for sure yet and so when the relationship faltered the kids were devastated. Don’t let them meet too soon.
Ignoring kids? Let em ignore you. They probably were latch on kids at one point and were hurt too many times.
Also, don’t have your SO try to do ‘father’ stuff…especially if the father is around. He is NOT the father. Step father – step kid relationships are different.
In answer to your other question - if the her kid(s) disliked me and were not of the ‘nearly grown up stage’, I would not marry her.
I can only provide one anecdote, which is hardly the singular of data, but…
She wouldn’t let me meet her kids until we were about five dates in – and by that time, we were on pretty solid ground.
The son took to me right away. He wanted me to go guitar shopping with him instead of his father, and that was before I’d even met him. The daughter, on the other hand, had a harder time of it. She got a little possessive of her mother’s time and threw a fit or three. But now she’s pretty cool with it. In fact, last week she was complaining that she hadn’t bonded with me for a long time.
It helps that I get along well with the dad. It was a little odd – but pleasant – that we were both around on Christmas morning to open presents with the kids.
My son pretty much has had an immediate crush on the few ex-gfs I’ve introduced him too.
I can remember one GF I had who was um… well endowed upstairs came over with a low cut top. (Not slutty but low cut) The GF and I were sitting on the couch watching TV; my son would come out of his room every five minutes to give her a hug. And every time he did, he’d take a gander down the blouse.
Of course she was oblivious to all this. She just thought he was the sweetest boy in the whole world. I didn’t have the heart to tell her he was being a goof ball.
Missy2U, and others, thanks. How dose it affect your “courting procedure”, when you are dating/on the lookout. I would imagine that one night stands or casual relationships are out, you can’t just bring someone home/ go to there place. or run off for a weekend.
Well…yea…cue Gallager and his bowling ball analogy
Don’t underestimate the deviousness and sneakiness of a single, horny mom. If she wants a relationship with you…it can be great fun. Also, many kids tend to sleep very heavily.
It’s not the same as dating a childless chick…but it can be just as fun.
Also, if the father is around…he ahs the kids sometime so weekend getaways are possible.
I tend to spend more time at her place when her kids are at her dad’s. This also works for weekends away. As for vacations, we’ve only had one real one. We went to Martha’s Vineyard, dad and kids went to Montreal.
I’ll still sleep over when the kids are there, but our nocturnal activities have to be quiet. And none of the kinky stuff!
