Possibly looking for religion, Please help!

The BBQ Pit
1

Ok. I am new to these message boards, as I’m sure you can tell by my limited number of posts, so I am not sure which board this thread belongs on. Seems like there are religion threads on all of the boards, so I don’t know. :)Anyway, everyone on here actually seems to be very smart and helpful most of the time, so I present you all a question.

I think I may need some sort of religion in my life, but I am not sure which one.

Sounds like a silly problem, but for me it is much more difficult to answer than it sounds. Let me give you a little background.

I grew up in a non-religious home. We never even talked about god. I turned out all right I guess. No major problems. The thing is, that once me and my sister turned 7 years old or so, my parents would take us and drop us off at the local Christian church at 8am on Sunday, and come pick us up at 1am after the adult sermon ended. They basically used church as a free babysitter. They never went with us. I HATED sitting through those sermons. Even at that young age, they all sounded like a bunch of BS to me. I never figured out how to “pray”, if that makes any sense to you. I would close my eyes and think about Nintendo or something until the pastor finished his prayer. I have read the King James Bible cover-to-cover one time. The whole thing has always sounded like a long, long story to me.

On top of that, it infuriated me when they passed around the offering plate and took money from everybody. It made no sense to me why I should give the church money. We were VERY poor, so I never had money to put in the dish. It seemed like I should have been taking money out of the dish. The place was NICE. I’m sure it was a very expensive church to build. The pastors all had nice cars, and nice houses to boot, and yet here they were taking money from poor people so they could buy new high back chairs for the pastor’s offices.

I wont even go into the 2 years I spent in Christian middle school, with a graduating class of 4 kids.

In a nutshell, those experiences soured me to religion. I have never been able to take it seriously. I have always been a very analytical and scientifically minded person. (I’m an Electrical Engineer, go figure). I never have been able to accept religious banter as fact, because 99% of what I hear is based off of the Bible. Which is a big storybook to me. How can people base their lives around stories that are told in an 1800-year-old book?

Even with all the issues I have with religion, I feel like me and my family is missing something in our lives. I am 25 years old, married with a 2-year-old daughter, and it seems as though some sort of religion would benefit us. I look at these families that go to church all the time, and they are happy and seem to lead full lives. I wonder if religion would add some missing piece to my family life. I want my little girl to have the best up bringing. I don’t want her to miss out on anything. But at the same time, I know you cant just wake up one day and say, “Ok, I want to believe in god now” just because I want to change my life.

This post is getting WAY to long, so Ill get to the point. I want to add the benefits of a religious life to my own life, but I don’t need to be sold on any particular religion. I am NOT looking to find God. If I find God along the way, then so be it. I just want to have something to believe in. It seems to make many people happy.

What suggestions do you people have for me? What options other than organized religion do I have? I have no idea and am totally lost, but know something is missing in our lives, and it may be religious faith.

Im sorry if I rambled, or had bigtime typos, its 430am and I am beat. hehe.

2

My position/bias: atheist and happy, but not anti-religion.

My advice would be to examine why you feel you need a religion in your life. This is the passage that struck me the most:

This “missing piece” - would it really be found by getting a religion? Those families you see going to church and leading full lives - there may be all sorts of missing pieces in their lives that you’re unaware of. I would imagine your family looks pretty happy to others too. IMO, most people feel that their lives could be better, that there could be an improvement. Many look to religions to comfort them and guide them, and while that may be well and good for them, it sounds to me like it would be difficult for it to work for you.

Why? Because it sounds like you would be uncomfortable with many major beliefs systems. That’s not to say you couldn’t find one that you agree with whole-heartedly, but that’s unlikely. And as such, you may find yourself presented with the difficulties of pretending to yourself and others that you’re happy with your religion - to me, that makes that missing piece bigger rather than smaller. The fringe benefits of religion - the social side, the sense of community, can be found elsewhere without the need for you to struggle to believe in something.

In conclusion: IMHO, finding a religion that works for you will not fill the gap in your life if you’re finding it for the wrong reasons. By all means, explore your spirituality, but I think you also need to take a closer look at what it is that’s causing the gap. Life is not perfect, you will never feel 100% all of the time, but if you’re really starting to feel unhappy then this is the perfect time to think about what’s wrong. Throwing yourself into a religion seems to be to be looking for an escape rather than a solution.

Fran

3

First, not sure that the Pit is the place for this, maybe would have started this in IMHO and let it get kicked over into the pit later. :wink: That said, would suggest that you question yourself a little deeper as to what you really seek. Your last statement is that you are not looking for organized religion, but you are not looking (explicitly) for God either. My take is that you are looking for organized religion (e.g., structure or a way to fit in) more than you are searching for God or truth or somesuch. From what I understand of organized religions, you may want to see if there is a local Universalist Unitarian church, as they seem to provide some structure but also allow a lot of latitude in personal beliefs. Another option, if you are looking at Christian faiths, would be a non-denominational church, but my guess would be that you should screen these for a more liberal bent versus some of the more fundamental ones.

If my first guess is incorrect, and you are not looking so much for structure as you are for some of the answers to life’s questions that will arise shortly, then you may have to dig a little deeper. Your daughter is going to be asking questions soon about death and God (mine started in on these at about 4 years old, so you have about a 1-2 year buffer left, maybe) and you may not be happy with answers like “I don’t know” or letting strangers answer for you. To your young daughter you will be one of the wisest, smartest, strongest people on the earth, so I do suggest you consider in advance how to answer these types of questions. This means you should try to have at least the beginning of some of these answers for yourself. Good luck, people have been trying to answer these questions for a long time, and in one of the original answers of supply to demand, there are a great many flavours of religion which have arisen to satisify this demand.

4

i don’t know what you want, but i can honestly say that my faith is important to me. i’m a nice happy jewish/christian mixture, with all the good stuff lleft in and the bad stuff taken out.

the people i know who are happiest with their religion are buddhists, muslims and the members of my parents house group (not fundamental christian, more sort of experimental hippy christians) but i think it’s because they feel that they have answers to their questions. you seem to be looking for structure and regulation, without necessarily belief…
catholicism appeal? ( i’m not trying to be offensive, i just know a lot of atheists who go to mass twice a week)

maybe what you need is some way of finding fellowship and community?

5 
 Welcome, o person who believes in the "Flattery will get me everywhere" school of thought ;)

 That, to me, depends on whether you want to take it literally or otherwise. I'm pagan, but I can still find some good messages in there beyond the lists of begats. Things like "love your neighbour" and others still have meaning for me even though I'm not Christian.

 That may not be entirely due to religion. I know devout, miserable Catholics and contended atheists... That said, organised religion like this does provide a good outlet for social occasions with the like-minded, if nothing else.

 You've taken the real first step, which is to start asking questions, looking for opinions - for someone with your background, this is a pretty big step.

 Something that seems to have worked out for me was sitting down and evaluating a few things: what did I want in a religion? For me, something unstructured that allowed me personal contact with the great I Am; something that put the responsibility for my actions and their repercussions on my shoulders, no-one else's; something that allowed me to go looking for answers rather than having them handed to me as dogma.

 For you, the priorities and needs are probably going to be different - you're a different person, different experiences and so on. What's important to you?

 There is a myriad of religions out there, everything from fundamentalist Christian to Hindu to B'nai B'rith. Like I said, you've taken a major step in beginning to question. Read, attend some services of various faiths, talk to practitioners...in other words, keep doing what you've started here. Remember, though, it isn't necessary to have a religion to be happy, and atheists and agnostics are still quite capable of having a strong personal code of ethics/morals, and answers to the Great Questions.

 Good luck on your quest.
6

Hi, Phlip

Let me recommend that you check out Unitarian-Universalism. (UU for short.) It is fairly dogma-free. People of many different faiths belong to UU churches, including Christians, Jews, atheists, secular humanists, Buddhists, and Pagans. UU is a faith that is actively gay-friendly. I think that UU churches are where most gay couples have religious union (read “wedding”) ceremonies. But I don’t want to give you the impression that being gay-friendly is the cornerstone of the UUism. It’s not a big deal - just part of the overall liberal social justice aspect.

UU Sunday school is kind of like a World Religion class.

There are a couple of things you might not like about UU:
[ul]
[li]If you’re looking for some kind of Cosmic Answer to the Big Questions to be handed to you, you probably won’t find that in a UU church. (That’s what Cecil is for! :wink: ) Church just provides the opportunity and support to figure out your own answers.[/li][li]UU churches tend to be just slightly more affluent than average, so you might run into that high-back chair mentality. Hopefully not, but each church will certainly be different in that respect.[/li][/ul]

(Was that proselytizing? I was going for impartial and informative, but… I was proselytizing, wasn’t I?)

Note to nitpickers: Yeah, you’re right; I should not have included atheism and secular humanism as “faiths.” I was being lazy, and I’m too lazy to go back and rewrite it.

From one newbie to another, welcome to the boards and good luck in your search!

Mods, I’m sorry if this reply was not appropriate for the forum. I feel that the reply is appropriate to the question and the question is a little out of place.

7

Since you are new I can throw in my standard recommendation for the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America! Liberal, open-minded, real nice (and attractive :wink: ) people. I find it fills a void in my life and I’m STILL a fallen Catholic with atheist/animist/polytheist tendencies. Hell, despite that I’m the bloody church librarian!

This requires a certain flexibility on both my part (I don’t get too deep into discussions of my beliefs) and the church (they don’t ask too many questions, just accept my help). If they suspect me of “heresy” I assume they figure they have me through the door and will have plenty of opportunities to show me a better way. Fine, and I will continue to enjoy their company while my children receive a grounding in the primary ethical system of the West without the nuttier parts.

8

My first suggestion is that you try and determine, by whatever means you can, just what it is that you think religion will get you (or that you need from what you think of as “religion”). Then go out and look to satisfy those needs. This may take some introspection, or some serious questioning, or even some counseling. Go for it. The determination of what you are looking for in the first place cannot help but have a positive effect.

Churches and religions provide a number of roles, and they are not limited to the spiritual. In fact, churches are primarily social institutions (and are usually treated as such by their participants). In the spirit of not mistaking one thing for another, I hope you will determine what it is that attracts you about religion before trying to figure out whether you need a “religion” or not.

If your needs are primarily spiritual, then you need to pick a denomination that comes as close as you can to what you believe. This need not be Christian; Unitarians, B’hai, and even Buddhists (or others) are perfectly acceptable alternatives if they meet your spiritual needs.

If your needs are primarily social, then don’t necessarily limit yourself to churches. You can pick a church primarily for its social programs without guilt; many do just that. This will differ from area to area, and you should ask for word of mouth. It will probably be a product of the congregation rather than the denomination.

But if your needs are social (even as a family), then there are other alternatives. A service organization can provide much of the social rewards and even moral education without religious trappings. Working at a local co-op, a soup kitchen, or even (in a rural area in particular) the local Lion’s or Rotary can give you many of the benefits of a “religion”.

So figure out what you need, and then figure out how to get it.

9

I, too, had some fairly bad experiences in church, ones that made me wonder whether organized religion was right for me. But it turned out that I just wasn’t well-matched in my church.

As you say, sitting in church listening to ideas you just can’t buy is not a great way to connect with God. After long struggle in my own church, finally separating from it unsure of what to do next, I eventually ended up with a faith that makes sense to me. I can make a few suggestions based on my own experiences, and tell you the things that worked for me.

I’m going to have to assume a Christian framework here, although I know it isn’t the only religion out there, because it’s the one I’ve chosen and that I know best. I’m sure there are other people who will give you ideas about other faiths.

First, I’d recommend getting a translation of the Bible OTHER than the King James. Unless you’re a scholar in Renaissance literature, it’s just written in language too archaic to be useful for a person seeking insight. In fact, I AM a scholar in Renaissance literature, and I still use a modern translation. I like the New Revised Standard, but tastes vary and you’re free to choose whatever you like. Check your library if you don’t feel like spending.

I spent some time reading books from lots of different branches of my own faith, to try to work out what I believed. A few that I appreciated included “Streams of Living Water” and “A Celebration of Discipline,” both by Richard Foster, “A Cloister Walk” and “Amazing Grace,” by Kathleen Norris, and “Mere Christianity” by C. S. Lewis.

I spent about three months visiting churches of many traditions. I went to a different church every Sunday, trying to see all of the different practices and ideas that were out there.

I talked to people about my questions and tried to get ideas from people of different beliefs and ideas.

I ended up discarding some beliefs, deepening others, and I’d have to say, in the end, that the struggle for a genuine faith gave me the ability to take comfort in God in a way that people who believe out of obligation or habit never do.

If I may make a suggestion, I suggest that you pray. Prayer doesn’t have to be like the preacher in church did it. It can be a simple conversation. All you have to do is find a quiet place and tell God, either out loud or in your own mind, about your questions and struggles with this. If you try to make a habit of it, you may find that he leads you toward the people and resources you need to figure out what you believe.

10

What dlb said, if you are just looking for a cohesive social gathering that is trying to make things good, church isn’t the only place that happens.

Figure out what you want from “religion” and go find it. If it’s a spiritual connection to God, consider finding a denomination of whatever that is clsoe to waht you feel is right. If it’s some nice potluck dinners and the chance for your girl to sing in the children’s choir, look around for a group that does that, regardless of affiliation.

11

I am a happy atheist, but a little groovy, pseudo-Buddhist leaning, and I found some “religious affiliation” kind of multiple choice test on the web, where you answered a bunch of questions and it told you what religion you would be most compatible with, and surprisingly I was most compatible with soem finky groups under the “Humanism” rubric, and the Quakers (!) than with “atheism”, per se. Who knew? All the Quakers I’ve ever met were really swell peoiple, though.

12

This was referenced in another recent thread (which I now can’t find). Anyway, this website lets you enter and weight opinions on theological questions then tells you which Religions fit most closely to your choices. Can’t be any worse than randomly trying on houses of worship just to see if they find and could perhaps give you some starting points for research based on whatever beliefs you already hold.

13

Doh! Sorry, the answer was right under my nose.

14

My own biases up-front: my own faith is an important part of me. It’s philosophical and spiritual in nature, with no social element whatsoever. Religion is an adult matter, and children should not be thrust into it until they’re of an age where they can choose it for themselves.

Now then…

When feeling a need, often the thing to do is not to search for a way to stuff the nidus full–sometimes that’s exactly the wrong thing to do with it. Needs and interior emptinesses have this way of growing when fed with the wrong things. Determine where it comes from, first. Second, doublecheck it. Third, triplecheck. Fourthly, see about filling it.

Snarky comment first: “keeping up with the joneses” would be one of the most worthless reasons to get into religion that I can conceive of.

More seriously: did this observation of “these families” come before the discontent, or after? That may look like a chicken-and-the-egg question on the surface, but I don’t think it is–resolving it just takes a bit of difficult introspection. Oftentimes, feeling a lack of something will distort your perceptions to provide an answer (good, bad, or usually indifferent) to it.

You really, really need to look inside and try to identify the nature of this lack you’re narrating into yourself. How does your partner feel about this? Because notice what you’re doing here (emphasis mine, obviously):

Again, what does your spouse feel about that? If they don’t agree, the leap from “I” to “our” is absolutely unjustified. In addition, I really rather doubt your daughter is feeling that there’s something missing (I’ve yet to hear of a toddler in an existential crisis), which makes the “our lives” narrative even more non-convincing to this complete outsider. The bits about wanting what’s best for her are just about drowning in a sea of I-me-I-me, and that’s…troubling. You can choose what religion you go into; right now, she can’t. Tread softly.

Don’t automatically attribute to others what you feel inside yourself. Spend some time, as much as you need because this is not any kind of thing that should be rushed, looking inside and tracing the exact nature of whatever lack you’re feeling. If religion is the answer, so be it.

15

Allow me to second Unitarian-Universalism. Really, it’s the wave of the future! :wink:

Esprix

16

I third the recommendation for Unitarian Universalism. Check out their homepage at http://www.uua.org/. IIRC, there’s a directory of churches that will allow you to find a church near you. The best part about UUism is that you will be exposed to many different possible paths, and be encouraged to find one you like, or invent your own.

17

I second the finding a different version of the Bible other than King James. I like The New Living Translation especially.

I was raised in the Baptist Church. I went to Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, Wednesday night Bible Study and the weekly sermon. I suffered through old lady aerobics (stand up, sit down… up down up down)and trying to keep from jumping out of my skin when we had to sing all six verses of Just As I Am. However, I still believe. I believe in Christ, I believe in God, but I don’t necessarily believe in religion.

I LOVE going to church now because I found one that suits me. A Christian church. Non denominational. It rocks…literally. We have a band instead of a sleepy piano, my pastor never wears a tie, and I wear jeans to church. Plus we never sing Just As I Am. :wink:

What you want, I think, is a spiritual connection. You can’t find that in science. Faith is unscientific.

Look around, ask around, but keep looking.

18

Hi Phlip,

Good luck in your search. Spiritual growth can be both difficult and rewarding.

I’m a Catholic, a faith that takes its share of critique here on the SDMB. You said you don’t want to be sold on any particular religion, so as much as I would love to explain to you why I am in the faith into which I was born, even after a period of doubt and marginal atheism, I won’t. Feel free to e-mail me if you change your mind.

As others have said, you need to ask yourself WHY you want faith. Maybe you could ask yourself some questions: Who or what is God? What is my purpose and place in life? Is this all there is? Are there any absolutes? How do I make sense out of evil?

You said: “I want to add the benefits of a religious life to my own life, but I don’t need to be sold on any particular religion.” In a way, this seems analogous to saying “I want to experience the benefits of weight loss (looser clothes), but don’t want to be told to exercise.” Most faiths, Christian or otherwise, require a certain discipline–belief in core tenets, prayer, spiritual practices, good works, study, even gasp financial support of a faith community or charity. Even faith is discipline–sometimes it’s not easy to believe. Just as the people who jog in your neighborhood look healthy and strong because they’ve disciplined their bodies, the church-going people you see who seem to be happy and leading full lives are probably those who also put in the discipline to grow in their faith. Just sitting in a pew isn’t going to do it, as you’ve experienced; nor is shuttling your kids to church and then peeling rubber out of there–as your folks did to you. The discipline I described above draws you out of yourself, makes you a little less self-centered, and creates a little room for God.

I’m not saying that only people of faith can be good people, but even people who have no faith at all but still seem happy and lead full lives put in the discipline to be good people.

I don’t know what to tell you–if you were actually looking for a faith, I’d try to sell mine a little more, but you say specifically that’s not what you’re looking for. I’m not a parent, but I guess the only thing I can offer to you while you’re searching for a way to fill that empty spot is to maybe read some of the Gospels again (in a more accessible version than the KJV) and see how often Christ talks about God’s love as that of a parent for a child. Read the stories of all the good, bad, and indifferent families in the Old and New Testaments. I can’t say whether you’ll have a spiritual epiphany, but at this stage in your life you might get more out of them and find they’re a little more relevant to you.

Once again, good luck in whatever you choose.

19

Another possibility for you is The Ethical Society . They refer to themselves as a “secular religious community” - no dogma or creed or (necessary) belief in a Supreme Being. I’m not a member, so I’m not advocating them in any way.

That being said, it appears from your OP that you are looking for a community rather than a god. Joining a religion for that reason (with possible exceptions like UU and the Ethical Society) is a Bad Idea.
A large percentage of religions wouldn’t accept you as a member unless you are willing to lie and assert you believe in their god and their dogma. Not a good basis for your relationship with the community, and really not fair to the other members of the church/temple/etc. you join.

Might I suggest a compromise? Sign up with an active and activist community service organization. Pick the right one, and you will find that it is indeed a community. Further, many members of such groups are there because of their religious convictions, and the groups often provide a non-pressured environment in which to explore various faiths.

Sua

20

I’ll forth the UU idea. Sounds like a perfect fit for you - depending on the congregation…

Esprix - you are in good company. Thomas Jefferson thought the same thing (200 years ago - we UUs haven’t moved quite as fast as he thought).