Two. The problem is getting them inside the lightbulb.
“The good news is, I’m kidding you. She died.”
Beethoven’s First Movement.
“He’s a rootin’, tootin’, Haifa-lootin’, son of a goon from Ari’s sauna – Racktime Carboy Joe!”
“Do you really think I’d ask a genie for a ten-inch pianist?”
“I’m decomposing.”
“And if he finds his way home, don’t fuck him!”
“Don’t matter none. Only gonna be you and me there anyway.”
“I know. It’s the cobblestones.”
“What do you mean ‘We,’ white man?”
“OK, he’s dead. What should I do next?”
“I put the check in his breast pocket.”
“Lemme see that map again.”
He opened the door, and there were the sheep, the cow and the goat.
“There must be… 57 tits up there!”
Her son’s dick tastes different.
“It’s always about the money with you Jews, isn’t it?”
“Jenkins, you switch with Smith. Smith, you switch with Rodgers…”
Ptui.
“A pig like this you don’t eat all at once.”
“His penis tastes bitter.”
- NOT A PUNCHLINE: this is cruel. I’m dying to know the jokes attached to some of these!
It doesn’t do anything. That’s the beauty of it!
A nun has hope in her soul.
I know this one and I love it: Mooo.
and many more. This is just mean!
Here’s mine, from my favorite joke of the last 5 years:
“Of course you don’t know, man, you weren’t THERE!”
“No, we should walk down there and fuck’em all”.
I can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.
Actually, I’m not sure what the joke is, but it’s something like “What’s the difference between a woman taking a bath and a nun?”
“I just want to make sure that he knows that I’m a bull.”
And, hell, as long as I’m posting Jerry Clower’s material:
“Mama don’t want you messin’ with the deal she’s got!”
“Standard Oil does it, and they make millions!”
“Just shoot up in here amongst us. One of us has got to have some relief.”
“If there’s one thing that monkey hates more than a raccoon, it’s a lyin’ coon dog!”
“The first thing I’m gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that truck!”
The dog’s a fucking liar. He was in the National Guard.
An Erection!!!
That’s the third gay chicken I bought this month.
“Know it, I wrote the mutherfucker!!!”–This is my favorite joke to tell.
SSG Schwartz
Bring me my brown pants!
A pilot, you racist.
“Dam!”
The old farmer shrugs and replies, “Be my guest. The hens are
out back.”
Ghoulash!
He orders a beer and a mop.
“At these prices I’m not surprised.”
“I think not.” and he vanishes.
“What is this, some kind of joke?”
Some Jewish ones:
“That’s the one I don’t go to.”
“Kill it? I circumcised it.”
“My father was a kohen, my grandfather was a kohen, and I want to be a kohen, too!”
“It was my dairy tomahawk.”
“So what other parts of the matza do you people eat?”
“Okay, then. So Chang and Ling were going to Ling’s nephew’s bar mitzva…”
“The doctor is three, and the lawyer is two.”
“Tell you? I’m telling everyone!”