[QUOTE=eleanorigby]
Couple of things:
Maybe. I think he came here looking for people to agree with him about what a bitch his ex is as much as anything else. That’s what he’s spent the most time talking about. Genuine concern about the kid has taken second place. That nonsense about the phone calls, for instance – that’s purely about him and her, not about the kid.
Just for some perspective: when I was a little kid, I saw my dad every day, my parents were married, and yet my dad was still “like a stranger to me” for a while. He was busy with work and law school while my mom stayed home with us. For a few years, I really didn’t like him very much. I eventually re-bonded with him when I was a teenager, but if I had been put into the situation your daughter is in, at age eight, I’m sure I would have missed my mom a lot more. And I come from a non-“broken” family. I suspect it’s quite normal for a kid to have a stronger bond with one parent than with the other. It shouldn’t necessarily be seen as a symptom of a poisonous family dynamic.
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic]
Maybe. I think he came here looking for people to agree with him about what a bitch his ex is as much as anything else. That’s what he’s spent the most time talking about. Genuine concern about the kid has taken second place. That nonsense about the phone calls, for instance – that’s purely about him and her, not about the kid.
[/QUOTE]
Not to make this about me, but I bitch a great deal about my husband here as well–I consider this a safe place to do so, and it siphons off some of the bile so my kids don’t get it. Do they know we’re not happily married? Yes, I think so–but we muddle along (for now).
I think that’s what he’s doing-the siphoning, not the muddling. But I also think he’s swimming in a tank of festering shit and really needs to grab a life-preserver to haul him out (ie therapy). He can’t control the Ex. He can only provide safety, warmth and security to his kids. Long term, that will cement their bond much more than Ex’s addiction to drama etc. That girl is out of control and not in any ways that are healthy for her or their relationship.
My MIL is a huge PITA–alcoholic, manipulative, passive-aggressive. I am hard put to name positive things about her, frankly. I dealt with her by minimizing the amount of time I spend with her (confrontation not working) and minimizing her influence on my kids. The OP can’t do that here–he’s well and truly stuck. Dunno 'bout the rest of you, but that would lead me to lots of frustration and anger. Strong feelings don’t necessarily mean strong actions. Better to vent here than to explode in RL, IMO.
All true, eleanor - but then he gets indignant about his ungrateful 8-yr-old. He’s putting her in the role of an adult, and that’s not fair – who’s she supposed to vent to, about all the craziness? Where’s her port in the storm?
[QUOTE=Belrix]
Anybody got anything useful?
[/QUOTE]
Don’t you mean “Anybody got anything to just agree with me about my whore ex-wife and my inability to be a father to my hurting 8 year old daughter?”
If you can’t see how you are being childish, vindictive, and spiteful then you are in desperate need of therapy.
Seriously, grow up.
[QUOTE=olivesmarch4th]
raises hand sheepishly
But I am a child of not one, but four divorces. I have seen more marriages fall apart than there are stars in the sky. I have been dragged into my in-laws’ custody court shit more times than I can count (weirdly, in their county not even teenagers have the right to decide visitation, which means my 17-year-old SIL usually hides or runs away when her father comes to pick her up and the police are inevitably called.) I don’t know the first thing about being a parent but I do know what children of divorce go through. And I do really stand by my assertion that this is an excellent opportunity for you to face this thing together as father and daughter instead of feeling like you are in pain alone.
[/QUOTE]
Ah, don’t be sheepish. You don’t have to have been through this to see how unproductive and self-serving his actions are. He’s throwing that in as a sort of defense, don’t buy into it.
I have opinions about war and global warming, and I’ve never been a soldier or a hole in the ozone. I never lived through the Nazi occupation of France, but I can read about it and understand it.
Besides, he’s gotten a lot of good advice from people who HAVE been divorced and through the court system, he’s ignoring them too.
I um, don’t really have a dog in this fight, and don’t have any advice or anything.
But I’ve been following the whole saga, and one thing that’s been gnawing at me-does anyone else think that maybe the ex-wife isn’t quite as bad as she’s made out to be?
um, yeah, I’ll just sit quietly now
[QUOTE=Jodi]
You are responsible for your own emotions and reactions. You own your own anger, and ultimately she is not responsible for it, you are. YOU keep shoveling piles of crap into YOUR OWN life. Even in your last post, you have to ruminate on your exwife “dating” and going to “dance bars” in your last two years of marriage. You have to say she only “appears” to be a good mother, when none of that has fuck-all to do with your daughter’s situation and how to solve it. Again and again, you come back to how worthless and awful your ex-wife is. It’s like it’s your goddam Precious.
Anger gives people power over you, because it allows them to dictate how you feel and what you do. Let it go and move on. Deal with her actions without the emotional baggage of questioning her motivations – who gives a shit what motivates her? Even if she’s motivated by the desire to make your life a living hell, that just means you should move on and be happy rather than give her the satisfaction.
[/QUOTE]
The two are related. If she was being the mother she should be to her daughter, she wouldn’t be undermining my role as parent in my daughter’s eyes.
The comment about the dance/bar was to address SomeUserName’s comments concerning my ex “having the children out of her hair”.
Grayhairmomma, this isn’t my week with for custody of the children. Taking my daughter to the doctor for a non-emergency would violate the law, thankyouverymuch. Besides - any liver problems she has today are not imminently life threatening, the process of drawing blood would scare the snot out of her so I’d like to avoid it if possible, and I missed the doctor’s callback due to a work meeting and I’m now waiting on my next callback/followup.
ETA: The doctor just called, he says that there’s no danger given the dosage, the length of use, and her body weight. He also confirmed the web’s general opinion that Benedryl is, in fact, not a very good sleep aid. He also gave me the name of two family therapists.
My concerns, Diogenes, about my ex, have, IMO, been about where her actions are interferring with my relationship with my daughter and not much else.
fessie, the mention of bedding is because I’m trying was trying to emphasize that there’s a special place in my house for her, that I’m trying hard to my “Dad’s House” feel like “Sally’s Home” to her. Maybe I see that as a bigger thing since when I was doing the 14% thing, she slept on a couch in my living room in my 1 bedroom apartment. (My older son was on the floor on a blow up mattress and my younger son was on a padded cot in my room).
OK, Boundaries and rules:
My daughter appears at my bedside. The first time or two or four, I’ve been walking her downstairs and putting her back to bed with hugs and kisses, trying to get her to calm down.
We talk about what’s bothering her, before it used to be that she was “scared”, this past week it’s been variations of “I don’t know” or “I miss Mom.”. I go over how she’s safe at home, the house is safe, the cats are safe, I’m upstairs to keep her safe, her Mom is safe, how her BF is there to keep her safe, and how she talked to her Mom earlier and how she’s OK, and when she’ll be seeing her Mom again, and all sorts of assurances.
I tell her that it’s important that she get some sleep, she needs to sleep to be healthy. I tell her that I need sleep, too, and she’s keeping me awake, too. I tell her that she’s supposed to stay in bed until morning.
A few minutes later she’s back in my room crying again. Somewhere along the way, I stop walking her down and I tell her go go back down on her own and stay there.
A few minutes later she’s back again until I raise my voice. She’ll now go wailing downstairs, loud enough to wake her brothers. If I’m lucky she’s now down for the night. This past week, though, she wailed long enough that I went down again, emphasized again that she’s supposed to stay in her room, and told her I didn’t want to see her again unless she was on fire.
She was at my bed less than two minutes later.
[That’s what I’m frustrated. That’s why I said I’m ready to lock her in her room (which I wouldn’t really do but that’s called “hyperbole”).
Yes, I blame her mother in large part for not allowing Sally to learn that I can be a parent too. That somehow a call to her every night is necessary in order for her to be a happy child. All I asked of her mom was to tell her that one night she’d be unavailable, she’d be going out to dinner or something, and that would help teach her that Sally can survive a night without the need to involve her mother. Like I said, a lot of the sobbing starts just after the phone call so I’m hoping to interrupt a cycle that’s spiraling bigger, not getting better.
I’m angry at her mother for saying she understands the need, for saying she understands how this would be helpful, but not actually ever following through with it. I’m angry because after Sally tried to call her mother, her mom, without warning, decides to not answer the phone one night and Sally spends the next 3 hours screaming about how she can’t sleep without talking to her.
Yes - I’m frustrated and at my wit’s end and many of you want to make this about Tylenol and about whether my ex went to dance clubs. What I want is a daughter that recognizes me as a parent with authority, not a babysitter who subs for her mother on alternate weeks.
I’m looking for ways to decrease my daughter’s need to speak with her Mom nightly because this dependence is a real problem when Mom isn’t available.
I’m looking for ways to keep my daughter in her room short of putting a lock on the door.
I’m looking for ways to help heal the pain she’s feeling, to establish a sense of “home” when she’s in my house and increase her feelings of safety.
I feel that part of this requires my Ex’s cooperation - especially on preparing my daugher for evenings when she may not be available. I also believe that my Ex likes the fact that I’m having troubles and enjoys her daughter’s dependence because it makes her feel wanted and needed (despite the fact that her daughter is suffering to satisfy this need).
OK - that’s what this thread was started about. I now return you to your regularly scheduled hijacks of what a screwed up person I am, how I’m complicit in my daughter’s imminent cirrhosic death, how I’m obviously not over my ex-wife, and how I’m abusing my daughter.
re: the Tylenol.
I’m not a Doctor (definitely not), this is not medical advice. I am the sister of someone recently diagnosed with alcoholic hepatitis - and it happened QUICK, and it happened with fairly low levels of, but regular, abusive of alcohol. Two glasses of wine a day is a small enough amount to cause liver damage in some full grown women - that isn’t a lot of toxins, and my understanding is the Tylenol is as bad for your liver as wine.
Anyway, a liver scan done by drawing blood isn’t a huge deal. They normally don’t draw blood on my kids - and I bet they don’t on yours, but if you tell them she was getting “worrisome regular” doses of Tylenol, they will probably just draw blood and run a scan.
Here is why you want to do this. The liver is an amazing thing - it can take abuse and, if you GIVE IT A CHANCE TO HEAL, it will heal itself. But giving it a chance to heal means you have to not throw toxins at it - for potentially months. However, if you don’t know, you and your ex will continue to feed her like you always have and probably continue to give her OTC medications. And perhaps she’ll require something not OTC - and some of that stuff thrown against a liver that is primed to be sensitive can cause long term damage.
Get the scan, then you’ll know and can take steps if there is any problems. Put your fingers over your ears and say LALALALALA or “its my ex wife’s fault” and your daughter may face permanent liver damage - and you kinda need a functioning liver.
Belrix, you have a bad case of the Yes-Buts. You asked for advice. You got advice. Instead of taking it, you came back to explain how nothing is your fault really.
Reread the thread. There’s some good information here from people who cared enough to type it out.
[QUOTE=Hilarity N. Suze]
Reread the thread. There’s some good information here from people who cared enough to type it out.
[/QUOTE]
There is, and “family therapy” has been said enough that, as you may note, I’ve gotten some names.
There’s been quite a lot of shit thrown my way, too, and I guess I’m insecure enough to feel that I should defend against it.
Perhaps I should just ignore those who are just here to say how they’d do it better.
[QUOTE=WF Tomba]
Just for some perspective: when I was a little kid, I saw my dad every day, my parents were married, and yet my dad was still “like a stranger to me” for a while. He was busy with work and law school while my mom stayed home with us. For a few years, I really didn’t like him very much. I eventually re-bonded with him when I was a teenager, but if I had been put into the situation your daughter is in, at age eight, I’m sure I would have missed my mom a lot more. And I come from a non-“broken” family. I suspect it’s quite normal for a kid to have a stronger bond with one parent than with the other. It shouldn’t necessarily be seen as a symptom of a poisonous family dynamic.
[/QUOTE]
Good point. I love my daddy and always have, but growing up, I didn’t feel really all that close to him the way I did with my mom. If, god forbid, they’d split up, I think spending time away from my mom at that age would have been hella hard. And honestly, the idea of my parents separating now is hugely traumatic. I seriously can’t imagine dealing with it without drama and tears, even had both my mom and dad been hugely together and non dysfunctional.
[QUOTE=Belrix]
Yes - I’m frustrated and at my wit’s end and many of you want to make this about Tylenol and about whether my ex went to dance clubs. What I want is a daughter that recognizes me as a parent with authority, not a babysitter who subs for her mother on alternate weeks
[/quote]
That’s what you want. What you need is therapy, individual and family. You’re not going to be able to fix this on your own, and there’s no magic response that the dope is going to hand you.
Defensive much? Good lord. Many many people have been helpful and supportive and all you can do is get nasty? Now that’s pretty rude. I’d take you to the pit if I wasn’t convinced that all it would is make things worse.
I’ll say it for the umpteenth time, your rage is blinding you. I’m not saying things are your fault; I’m saying that your anger is making the recovery process more difficult.
I just keep coming back to the OP statement that the physical separation occurred in December of 2006, and from what little I know of CO law, the divorce itself could not have occurred any earlier than 90 days after that (so, March of 2007). Here we are, just a little over a year later, the OP is married again, the girl is EIGHT years old, and within the last 18 months has seen mommy and daddy live together for three months while not loving each other anymore, move apart, seen mommy have two new lovers, and seen daddy have one new wife.
And this is all supposed to be handled, by an eight-year-old, since the end of April? Less than two months ago?
I think, really, that the recommendations that you’ve received and the things that you say you’ve tried are not far off the mark, but that the missing part is time. Your whole family (you included) simply have not had enough time to handle everything that’s occurred over the past year and a half. Expecting a child of 8 to be perfectly okay with everything that you’ve shared is just not realistic.
Unfortunately, I think all you can do at this point is ignore her when she cries at night or comes to your bedside. I understand that that’s not easy, but I bet if she does this for one or two full nights and gets no response, she’ll quit.
[QUOTE=Belrix]
There’s been quite a lot of shit thrown my way, too, and I guess I’m insecure enough to feel that I should defend against it.
[/quote]
Let me go to an outrageously hyperbolic example for you:
Some guy posts about the trouble he’s having with his kids, how hard he has it and how difficult they are. They’re, say, 9 and 6. He leaves them home alone after school because he’s working. When he comes home, he’s too tired to do much but throw a movie in for them. When they get on his nerves, he smacks them. When they behave, he gives them sips of his beer. He wonders how to handle problems he’s having with them.
Surprise! More that a few people post to say, in effect, “we know you’re having a tough job, and we know you’re doing the best you can, but you are MAKING MISTAKES. You are doing things that are NOT IN YOUR KIDS’ BEST INTEREST, like leaving them alone, smacking them, and giving them alcohol. You need to start doing some things differently.”
He says, “I have to leave them alone, because of my work.” He says, “I only smack them when they’re acting up, and only on the butt, and not often.” He says, “I only give them a little beer on special occasions, and only sips.” IOW, instead of acknowledging the justice of what is said, he defends himself. He states again how hard he has in and how difficult the kids are.
The other posters say, “we get that, but the things you are doing are still not the appropriate way to handle these things, and you need to make some changes.”
He says, “I need to defend myself against the shit that’s being thrown at me.” He says, “Perhaps I should just ignore those who are just here to say how they’d do it better.”
In other words, he isn’t listening. He is not willing to discuss whether there are some criticism of HIS behavior is or is not justified, even if it’s hard to hear. And he certainly isn’t willing to entertain the idea that anyone else might be able to do any better, not even if he’s beating those kids every day out of frustration. If YOU, Belrix, were the one saying, “Jeez, stop beating your kids!” how would you feel to get the response, “Maybe I should just ignore those who say how they’d do it better”?
Probably more than a little frustrated, I’m betting. And that’s the reaction your threads prompt in some of us (many of us, I think), because you come across as not willing to listen to anything you don’t want to hear.
And the other posters wonder why he asks for advice, in thread after thread after thread, because he never listens any way.
Did you have these issues when she was sleeping on the couch? Perhaps the root cause of the nighttime rambling is sleeping in a room that she’s uncomfortable with. We’ve had bedtime issues with our girls when they were about that age and we’re a happily married stable family. Maybe she’s having trouble getting herself to sleep and she’s using these other issues as excuses because she’s stressed about sleeping downstairs and in a room by herself. What may seem like a real treat–a room of your own!–may actually make younger kids feel insecure. And when kids are tired and stressed, you’re not going to be able to get them to see reason.
Sometimes positive rewards–small treats for each night with fewer times out of bed?–can go a long way to help her become more able to self-soothe. And lots of patience.
[QUOTE=Belrix]
My daughter appears at my bedside. The first time or two or four, I’ve been walking her downstairs and putting her back to bed with hugs and kisses, trying to get her to calm down.
[/quote]
During the day, you address the problem. Would it help her to have a night light? Ask her and if she says yes, get her one. Would it help her to have music on low? Ask her and get her a small CD player and some soft music discs. Work with her, not for her, to get her room set up how she says she will like it to sleep there. Then set the boundaries. No coming into your room unless you have had a nightmare or are sick. There is a reward for staying in her bed all night – a trip out for a meal, a chance to play a game with you, some extra TV time – and that reward is withdrawn if she doesn’t. When she does well, you casually praise her the next day: “You only came into my room once last night, that was great. I’m so proud to see you growing up that way.”
If she comes in, there’s one hug, and one walk down to her room. Does she need to go to the bathroom? Does she need a drink of water? Extra blanket? Amount of light okay? Once all those things to make her comfortable are done, she is told firmly she is not to get out of bed again. There is no talk at night about what is bothering her; that’s a conversation you have in the morning. There is no engaging in any degree of emotionalism on either of your parts. You are not frustrated or angry, you are calm but firm. You are not making a show of indulging her, you are putting her back to bed. You discuss how she is behaving, and why she is behaving that way, and how the two of you together can fix it, during the day.
Then there are negative consequences, again explained to her during the day. It is no acceptable that she disobeys you. It is not acceptable that she screams and carries on. It is not acceptable that she wakes everyone else in the house. You explain why those things are not okay, and reemphasize why they are not necessary. Those behaviors are not tolerated and will bring negative consequences. She will lose privileges if she does not start following the rules.
You set boundaries during the day. You discuss the situation during the day, and get her cooperation and buy-in for how the situation can be fixed, during the day. You praise and reward good behavior during the day. You impose negative consequences for bad behavior during the day.
During the night, you firmly and impersonally put her back in her bed. You do it without visible anger or concern, except to sharply verbally correct outrageous behavior (“Stop that screaming right this minute. Your brothers are asleep.”). And you do it sixteen times a night if you have to, every night, until she understands that your expectations are not going to change; her behavior is not acceptable; and the house rules are not negotiable.
Her mother will not always be available to talk to her. Screaming for three hours after being unable to reach her mother is not your ex’s bad behavior; it is your daughter’s bad behavior. If she wants some time to cry, fine; her room is the place for that. If she cries herself to sleep, it’s heartwrenching but she’ll survive it. Screaming for three hours is not acceptable and not tolerated. YOU set the rules in your house.
Hey, you know what?
Some of us are here trying to help because we ARE doing it better.
We ARE succeeding at raising mentally healthy children after divorce. We’re not always perfect, and I’m sure we’re doing some stuff wrong, but for the most part, we’re doing pretty well. And a lot of us in these threads are the healthy children of divorced parents that did it better. Maybe you should listen to us.
Here’s an example.
My ex and I have been separated 18 months, and living apart for 10. We have 50/50 joint custody of our son, age 6. The non-custodial parent calls the Sprout each evening. If it seems to be getting late, the custodial parent will do the other a favor and call him/her to make sure the Sprout has a chance to say good night.
We do this because it is good for our son. It’s good that he feels like the two (literal) halves of his life are connected. It’s good for him to know that the non-custodial parent is thinking of him. And it’s definitely good for him to observe my ex and I being polite to each other.
We have dealt with our own anger and issues enough that we can say things like “Oh, Daddy hasn’t called yet. Let’s give him a call” without inadvertently expressing “Daddy is a shithead.”
On the rare occasions when the non-custodial parent can’t connect with the Sprout, he doesn’t throw a fit. One evening, one phone call, doesn’t really matter when the child is basically secure.
And the nightly phone calls give my ex and I a perfect opportunity to coordinate details of the Sprout’s care when necessary.
There. I’ve just shown one way in which phone calls with the non-custodial parent can be be handled. And how they can be a positive experience for all.
Eh, I don’t know why I’m bothering. Thread after thread has shown that you’re just looking for validation.
Though it occurs to me that maybe I do know why I’m bothering…I want everyone to know that there are people out there that are making it work. You hear a ton of stories like Belrix’s. You don’t hear so many like mine. I’m not saying that our lives are idyllic. Far from it. But I’m willing to stand up and say “I’m a living example of ‘love your child more than you hate your ex.’” And if my ex were here, he’d stand up right next to me and say it too.
So to reiterate (and maybe I’ll put it in bold so it’ll get through, though I doubt it will):
Some of us ARE doing it better.
Maybe you should listen to us.
It actually sounds to me like you’re a pretty damn good dad who just needs a few fresh ideas to get out of the rut that isn’t working. Whatever your anger and relationship with your ex is (and, from other threads, it’s not insignificant) I do believe you’re truly and sincerely a good dad (based on this and other threads). That doesn’t mean you’re a perfect dad, any more than I’m a perfect mom - I’m sure I’ve messed up just as badly as you’ve messed up, and our worst mistakes probably aren’t even the ones we beat ourselves or each other up over! Maybe we’ll find out about them in 20 years when our kids say, “Remember that time…?” and we find out what their last year of therapy has been about!
Anyhow, onto the practical advice portion of the program:
[QUOTE=Belrix]
I’m looking for ways to decrease my daughter’s need to speak with her Mom nightly because this dependence is a real problem when Mom isn’t available.
[/QUOTE]
It sure sounds like she’s suffering when Mom isn’t available. Poor sweetie. Do you think it might work to move the call to earlier in the day? I know that my kids, even when on a good bedtime schedule and sleeping well, are way more fragile in the evening. Disappointments that might have been brushed off at lunchtime are earthshattering after 5 PM. Plus, of course, if she does get herself all worked up earlier in the day, she’ll have many hours to process her feelings (with or without you) and even to forget about it before bedtime, which might make her sleep easier.
I think Jodi’s advice on this topic is fantastic. To recap: There must be a logical consequence to her actions. Find it, and enforce it. Obviously, the consequence called “Dad gets mad at me when I wake him” isn’t working. So change it. “Dad’s too tired to take me to the zoo/park/pool/shopping because I woke him up,” might be more effective. “Dad needs my help cleaning because he’s tired from me waking him up last night,” is another good one.
If that doesn’t work, maybe it’s time to try the ol’ sticker chart. Let her choose a big reward, and earn stickers towards purchasing it by having interruption free nights. 30 stickers might get her a small MP3 player, for instance. The good thing about sticker charts is you can use them for a multitude of good behaviors, and everyone can have their own sticker chart to work on their own stuff. You can even add extra bonus stickers to reward unexpectedly good behaviors - clean the bathroom when it wasn’t your turn? I think that merits an extra sticker!
Do you tell her she has to go back to bed, or go to sleep, or just go away? I tell my kids, “You don’t have to sleep, but you have to be in your room, and you have to be quiet.” When you have sleep problems, having someone demand that you go to sleep can be infuriating. Put a little desk with a lamp that she can reach in her room, and stock it with markers and books and oragami and other quiet activities that she can work on by herself if she really can’t sleep.
Finally, can she tell time yet? Does she know what time is wake-up time, and is it consistent? If you can reassure her that at 7:00 she can come into your bedroom for snuggles and tickles, then maybe that will get her through the tough time at 5:30. If she can’t tell time yet, this would be a great time to learn. You could even put an analog clock in her room with a smiley sticker at the 7 and on the hour hand, so when the stickers line up, she knows she can get up.
I don’t know about you, but whenever someone starts talking about how safe we are, I get real nervous. Why would we be talking about safety unless there was something to worry about? And if there’s something to worry about then I’m right to be scared and if you’re talking about safety that means you’re scared too and OHMIGOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!
Ahem. Sorry.
A single, “Honey, I know you’re scared, but everything’s under control,” is okay, but don’t keep on about it. If you have to keep murmuring, “I know, I know,” then do that, but don’t reinforce her fears by repeating the words “scared” “frightened” “nervous” or even “sad”. I would avoid telling her there’s nothing to be scared of, because that’s just nonsense - she can find plenty of things to be scared of. But just try best you can to neither dismiss nor encourage her fears. It’s a hard line, I know.
As for the sense of “home”, I suspect that’s your need, not hers. And I don’t say that to jump down your throat, but just to reassure you that it’s not at all abnormal for a kid to see dad’s house as “dad’s house” and mom’s house as home. I’m sure there’s some sort of Freudian reason for that, but I don’t really feel like deconstructing gender issues in the 21st century right now. Suffice it to say that I LOVED going to “my dad’s house” when I was a kid (parents divorced at 6, dad moved cross-country) but it was still “my dad’s house”. Part of that was just conversational convenience - I needed a way to signal which house I was talking about. In my case, Mom stayed in the house I was born in, so that was obviously “home”. “Dad’s house” was, well, Dad’s house. It never occurred to me that it might hurt him when I called Mom’s house “home.” Most likely she doesn’t mean anything by it at all, and when you get hurt (which she senses whether you say anything or not - kids are better at picking up body language than spoken language), she feels like maybe the said or did something wrong but she can’t figure out what it is or why she’s hurt you. Even if you explain it to her, the subtle insult offered by “dad’s house” is going to go way over her head.
Nah. Don’t prepare her. Just deal with it. Preparation makes a lot of people more anxious, and it sounds like your daughter might be one of those people. Ever wander into a pregnancy thread and see people villifying the book “What to Expect While You’re Expecting”? It’s because it tries to prepare people for every little thing that might possibly go wrong during pregnancy. Some people, like me, find that comforting and fascinating. If I can deal with things in my head before they ever happen, I’m much more comfortable when they actually do go wrong. Of course that means wrapping my brain around some highly unlikely catastrophes that never manifest, but I’m okay with that.
My son, on the other hand, sounds much more like your daughter. Plans and preparation make him anxious. Making plans and then having them not pan out makes him even more anxious. Knowing about Bad Stuff before it happens makes him freak the fuck out, to be honest. When he was 11, he had to have major spinal surgery. The doctor, bless his heart, asked him how much he wanted to know about the procedure, possible side effects, recovery, etc. Thank Og my son had the presence of mind to say he didn’t want to know anything. He asked me to find out that stuff, and only tell him what he absolutely needed to know when he needed to know it. It blew my mind that someone would want to go into surgery not knowing anything at all about it (while I’m googling case studies and statistics at home!), but that’s the way he works. And, as his mother, I accepted that responsibility for him.
Your ex sometimes isn’t around when your daughter calls. So there’s no need to stage a time when your ex isn’t around when your daughter calls. It’ll happen on its own, and you deal with it then. Parenting books like to call this “a teaching moment”.
Alright, enough preaching. Hope some of this is helpful. Above all, get everyone who’s willing (your current wife included) into family therapy, and don’t be afraid to try new things. Sometimes solutions that we’re certain won’t work for our families turn out to be just the ticket. It’s absolutely okay to say to your kids, “You know what? This isn’t working, let’s try something else.”