That is just weird.
I started a thread on pronunciations of “ough” and was educated that “hiccough” was backed into and “hiccup” is correct. 
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=19347758&postcount=28
We got
cough -off
thought -aw
tough/enough/chough/sough -uff
bough/plough/doughty -ow
dough/though/sough -oh
McCullough/Scarborough -uh
slough -ew ~ through -oo
lough -ɒx same as Cloughjordan?
Loughborough
Or happy-tensing; fancied
Or Latin words ending c(i) wen adding a suffix staring with (i)e; efficient, science
Or Chemical names ending in -ein or -eine; protein
Or Prefixes de- or re- before words starting with i; deindustrialize
Or leisure, neither, surveillance
Or …
Really “It’s a trap!!!” 
And of course, depending upon where you’re from some of these are the same sound:
Cough = Thought
Slough = Through
In my accent anyway.
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They can be used that way, but most of the time they actually have a utilitarian function as discourse markers, serving to ease in a response and avoid abruptness, as was noted, which makes them more than mere crutch words. If they’re used as mere filler, they’re going to be drawn out the way you suggested, and most of the time they’re not. For instance I was listening to a radio interview recently with a researcher on some scientific topic, and the person was so keen and enthusiastic in her responses that she could barely stop for breath, yet practically each response began with a “so, …”. Obama has a way of starting sentences with a drawn-out “and …” which is an example of the kind of filler you’re talking about. But a conversation completely devoid of markers like “well” and “so” would risk sounding like an angry debate!
“You know” is another one that serves a similar purpose, introducing the flattering intimacy-creating fiction that the parties are discussing shared knowledge, even when the purpose is obviously to inform. “You know” can occur in the middle or end as well as the beginning of a sentence. If we noticed some poor fool waiting at a bus stop at a time when buses weren’t running, we might say something like “You know there are no buses on the weekend, right?” or “There are no buses on the weekend, you know” and maybe throw in a confirmational “right?” at the end of that one, too. Without any of those modal markers, you’re left with the stark declaration “There are no buses on the weekend!”, which has all the conversational warmth of a klaxon horn or a slap in the face, and might even be taken as mockery!
You forgot the Canadian version: “There are no buses on the weekend, eh?” 
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But the ough in cough is “off” and the ough in “thought” is “aw” (no f).
Lol. Yeah, and they’re the same sound to this whitey Canadian.
Is your “off” more like an “aff” sound?
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Maybe I’m mistaken? I thought we were only discussing the vowel sound.
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Which is still miles beyond his free-speaking style in 2008, where 5 minutes of talk would be punctuated by dozens of "um"s. I suspect he had a speaking coach thrust upon him, because that habit was getting to be annoying as hell.
That rule is ancient, but hardly scientific. Neither I, nor my eight foreign neighbours agree. Go to your beige hacienda. Let it weigh on your conscience. Repent at your leisure. Pay a forfeit before you leave.
Could you go into more detail about how you are accessing the boards? It’s just tantalizingly not enough info about what fucking phone you are using.
The vowels in these words seem exactly the same to me.
Yes, the “off” is equivalent to “awf.”
The more unique the name given by a parent to their kid, the more upset they get when it is mispronounced. By all means name your child Siobhan Featheringstonehaugh. Just don’t get upset if people don’t pronounce this “Chevonne Fanshawe” or what have you.
Is slowing up the same as slowing down?
Depends on the age of the speaker.
Seven-year old bicycling down the street trying to keep up with his friend: “Hey! Wait up! Slow up!”
Ancient grandma in the back seat of a car: “Slow down!”
Perchance, are you pronouncing “thought” in Deep Southern, like the late Senator Sam Ervin? 
I quote Dave Barry on this subject:
… the [Watergate] scandal was such hot news that it was turned into a highly popular television series called The Senate Watergate Committee’s Parade of Scuzzballs, starring genial host “Senator Sam” Ervin (Okeefenokee), who had the entire nation listening with rapt attention in an effort to figure out what the hell he was saying. Senator Sam spoke in Deep Southern, which is similar to English, only unintelligible, so everything he said came out sounding like “We go’ heppin’ wif de bane pone.”
A lot of those are “long a” sounds though, which is part of the “a as in weigh” exception. And some like “hacienda” are very easy to spell if you sound it out: the i and e are distinct. “Leisure” is perhaps the biggest WTF.
“Thought” is /ɔ/, “cough” can be /ɔ/ or /ɒ/, depending on dialect. I can’t even really tell if I do them different or not.
Siobhan is a very phonetic name, just not in English. Irish orthography is downright phonetic compared to English (s>sh before i or e, i is short, o is a weird modifier that follows a specific rule, h is not a true letter but modifies the b into a v sound depending on the next vowel, a and n are an a and an n).
If that is your name you certainly shouldn’t get mad or assume everyone should know, but it’s a perfectly cromulent name. I reserve my ire for the Jaa’dyns and Mykynkys of the world (or at least their parents).
Notwithstanding that “hacienda” is simply not an English word, the “i before e” rule applies specifically to diphthongs. There are a few English words where i and e do not pair up as a diphthong (“deist”) but it is somewhat uncommon.