A woman from North Carolina
Played music upon her vagina,
Wherein she made cocks
Sound simply like Bach’s
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.
A flea and a fly in a flue,
Were wondering what they should do.
Said the fly “Let us flee”
Said the flea “Let us fly”
So they flew through a flaw in a flue.
There was a young lady from Niger
Who rode out on the back of a tiger
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside
And a smile on the face of the tiger
There was a young monk from Paree
Who went into the cloister to pee
He said “Dominus vobiscum,
Why won’t the piss come?
Maybe I’ve got the C-L-A-P!”
There once was a hermit named Dave
Who lived with a dead whore in his cave
He said “What the Hell!
I’ll get used to the smell –
And think of the money I’ll save!”
There once was a woman from Spork
Who used to eat shit with a fork.
Her son cried, “You Goon!
You eat shit with a spoon!
It’s pork that you eat with a fork!”
and
There once was a man from Moline,
Who invented a fucking machine.
Both concave and convex,
It could serve either sex.
But, oh, what a bastard to clean.
and
There once was a gay priest from New Delhi
Who had the Lord’s Prayer tattooed on his belly.
By the time that a brahmin
Read diown to the Amen
He’d blown both salvation and Kelly.
I heard a different version of this.
There was an old hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
He said, “What the hell,
You get used to the smell.
And think of the money you save!”
And I should have previewed. Daithi Lacha beat me to it. Curses!
A limerick of classic proportion
should have meter and rhyme and a portion
of humor quite lewd,
and a frightfully crude,
impossible sexual contortion.
A necrophile name of Ned Schultz,
often brags of his deed and exults,
“Tis legal, it’s said,
to make love to the dead,
as long as they’re consenting adults.”
There once was a young lady named Ransom
Who was laid seven times in a hansom.
When she cried out for more,
A voice from the floor
Said, “My name is Simpson, not Samson!”
That’s cool. I like hearing the different versions. The one I am familiar with is:
There once was a bloke called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said, “I’ll admit
I’m a bit of a shit,
But look at the money I save!”
I remember reading this in National Lampoon attributed to Ed Bluestone. In it, the woman was from Cork, which is a city and a county in Ireland.
The finalists ( a boy and an oldman) in a competition were asked to compose a limerick with “timbuktoo” as the last word.
Old man
Far away is a distant land
where time is measured by the falling sand
where people on camels ride 2 by 2
this is the place called timbuktoo.
Boy
Me and my elder brother tim
went hunting one day in forest
three nude girls were lying on the way
Since they were three and we were two
I buck one and Tm buck two.
from a tombstone
Here lies a man who was killed by lightning
He wanted to cut a flash in this world of trouble
But the flash cut him instead and here he lies in rubble.
A randy young dentist, Malone
Got a girl in his office alone
Then in his depravity
He filled the wrong cavity
And my, how his practice has grown!
There was this woman from connectcut
who gave birth to triplets
pat,mat and tat
Pat took one and mat took the other
and there was no tit for tat…
indian, none of the ditties you’ve posted are what I would call a limerick.
The rhyme scheme of normal limericks is AABBA, and they’re usually 8 or 9 syllables in the A lines, and 5 or 6 in the BB lines. I wonder if there’s a different definition in English-speaking India?
I wrote this one, but I have no formal knowledge of what makes a limerick, so iit’s probably wrong in measure and rhyme to some degree. Ah well, and so it goes.
There once was a gggirl that made my toes ccurl.
She reached around and led me ddown to her ppearl.
My ttongue unfurled to give it a wwhirl.
She pulled me in with a wwink and a ggrin, a ttwist and a spin,
a lick and a ttwirl, to culture that ppearl.
My face bburied to a ssmother.
Her ttreasure, like no other…
left me with this ggodamn ssstutter.
Best read in an r-dropping New York Diaspora accent. (especially the who could wait? part).
This is true.
There was a young dancer named Spears
Her concerts brought unbroken cheers
Then she had a few kids
Her career hit the skids
And she broke out the LadyBic shears
I’m sure it can be improved, I just put it together myself.
jjimm
I recollected and posted some from my college days … almost 20 years…
sigh… forgot most of the original lines .
Ah, sorry man, didn’t mean to be overly critical - I was just curious.