There once was a vampire named Mable
Her periods were very unstable
Every full moon
She took out a spoon
And drank herself under the table
You have outdone yourself. That is truly disgusting.
The once a man from Nantucket…
and he…uh…he…um…
Aw, fuck it.
A horny young locksmith named Shore
Had the hots for his favorite whore
When the cops came inside
With a true craftsman’s pride
He was making a bolt for the door
When a man queried saleslady Shedd
As to whether a fully-made bed
Had springs that were quiet
She answered, “Just try it”
As she pulled down the blankets and spread
There once was a man from Cape Horn
Who wished he’d never been born.
He wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
I’m sorry, really I am :dubious:
A decrepit old gas man, named Peter
While hunting around for the meter
Struck a leak with his light
And arose out of sight
And, as you can tell by reading this, he also quite destroyed the meter.
An ancient rabbi from Peru
Took his wife in the bedroom to screw.
But she said “Oh vey!
If you keep on this way–
The Messiah’ll come before you!”
A young miss with a bedroom trapeze
Charges double to hang by her knees.
The centrifugal force
Improves intercourse–
And everyone’s cooled by the breeze!
A lovesick skydiver named Sherm
Bailed out while his organ was firm.
Three strokes and a spasm
Produced an orgasm–
And he skywrote “I love you!” - in sperm.
The last one is my favorite–bawdy, impossible AND funny!
There once was a man from Eau Claire.
Who tried fucking his wife on a stair.
The banister broke.
But oh what a bloke.
He finished the job in mid-air.
I heard the stair one a little differently:
A lusty young man named McNair
Was diddling his girl on the stair
When the bannister broke
He doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air
A group of us in Intro to Poetry (U. of No. Colo., 1982) celebrated finals by drinking far too much beer and making up limerics. The only one I remember:
A lovely young lass named Fellini
Spilled gin on her lover’s hard weenie
To avoid being uncouth
He added vermouth
And offered the lady a martini
There was a young man of Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
There was a young lass from Saigon.
Ewwwwwwwwww. You win.
Yes, but what do I win?
A date with Mabel, of course.
Unfortunately Mable drank herself to death 
:eek:
Seriously, we need a pukey smiley.
I’m going to go now.
I came in to quote Gorey too, though I don’t remember the first one you quoted. Is that from the same book?
Little Zooks, of whom no one was fond,
They shot toward the trees, and beyond.
The infant’s trajectory
Carried him over the rectory
And into a lily-choked pond.
There was a young woman whose stammer
Was atrocious, and so was her grammar.
But it was not improved
When her husband was moved
To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
Each night father fills me with dread
As he sits on the edge of my bed
I’d not mind that he speaks
In gibbers and squeaks
But for ten long years he’s been dead.
And my favorite from that book, which goes so well with the picture:
An old gentleman’s crotchets and quibblings
Were a terrible trial to his siblings
But he was not removed
'til one day it was proved
That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
Apologies to Gorey and everyone for slight errors-- I have no idea where my Gorey books are right now…
By Isaac Asimov:
The young girls who frequent picture-palaces
Don’t need any psychoanalyses.
And though Dr. Freud
Would be very annoyed
They still cling to their long-standing fallacies.
There was a young man of Kilbride
Who fell in an outhouse and died.
His heart-broken brother
Fell into another
And now they’re interred side by side.
The bustard’s an elegant fowl
With minimum reason to howl
He escapes what would be
Illegitimacy
By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
There once was a man who said, "God
Must find it exceedingly odd
When He finds that this tree
Continues to be
When no one's about in the Quad."
Dear sir,
Your astonishment's odd.
I am always about in the Quad.
And that's why the tree
Continues to be,
Since observed by
Yours Faithfully,
GOD
Another young poet in China
Had a feeling for rhythm less finer.
His limericks tend
To come to an end
Suddenly.
There was an old man of Corfu
Whose limericks end at line two.
There was a young man of Verdun.
The limerick about the old man of Nepal is somewhere else in this post. Find it. 
For the record:
There was the young man from Spokane
Who’s verses never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know,
“It’s because I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can.”
About former Cowboys star Lance Rentzel:
There was a receiver named Rentzel
Who had a penis prehensile.
It made young girls cry
When he opened his fly
For it was as thin as a pencil.
A wide receiver named Lance
Met a ten-year old girl at a dance.
At intermission
Without her permission
He showed her the thing in his pants.