I’m looking for actual jokes made by official ride operators during the ride.
Either the Disneyland or Walt Disney World version is fine.
I’ve heard some pretty good ones in recent years, but I’ve forgotten most of them.
Here’s an old one:
“Over to your left is the Anheuser bush. Oh look, it’s beginning to bud.”
The standard one I remember from 30+ years ago - “When you exit the ride, please remember to take your children. We don’t want them either.”
And now…the moment you’ve all been waiting for…
Here it is…
The back side of water!
“When fully grown, the Siberian Tiger can weight up to 800 pounds and jump 50 feet. We’re safe in the boat, however. We’re only 20 feet away.”
Similarly, one skipper would describe every animal we passed as “When fully grown, (this animal) can weight up to 800 pounds and can leap 50 feet through the air.”
“We’ve been working on that Jeep for days, looks like the gorillas finally got it to turn over.”
“Hippos only attack when they blow bubble and wiggle their ears…”
One of my favorite thing to do is wait in the exit portion of Indiana Jones and heckle/play with the boats that come by.
These butterflies have a wing span that ranges from twelve inches to one foot.
There’s a dock on the right side and a dock on your left. We call it a paradox.
“If you leave them behind, we chain them up in It’s a Small World and make them sing that stupid song”.
“Be sure to visit out parking lot tonight for our popular ‘buy back your stereo’ sale”
(The cruise is a lot more fun after about 10pm)
(Pointing out plants)
“That’s a hibiscus.”
“That’s a low-biscus.”
“That’s son-of-a-biscus.”
I took a tour a few years later (in the 80s) and the third item was “That’s George Bush.”
“And those two on the dock waiting to help you out are a pair o’ dorks.”
"Please keep your hands inside the boat. We don’t want t
“Did you wake up this morning and say to yourself ‘Jungle Cruise, gotta do it!’ Yeah, me too”
“There’s something you don’t see every day…But I do…over & over & over…”
Dancing native scene: “Hold on, I can translate for you…you put your right foot in, you put your right foot out…”
When there was another boat coming the other way, our guide had us all point at them and laugh.
(While waiting in line)
“Could I have your attention please. Would the person that lost the roll of $20 dollar bills with the rubber band around it please come forward? We found your rubber band.”
When the boat was passing a big snake in a tree, “Indian python… sitting in a tree… H-I-S-S…”
“We are now approaching Schweitzer Falls, named for famous philanthropist Albert Falls.”
“Now I’d like to point out some of my favorite plants.” The captain then just pointed randomly at a bunch of different plants, without saying anything.
Damn, sorry I missed this thread when it was first posted.
Can I please submit some jokes from the similarly-themed Busch Gardens the Dark Continent African Queen Boat Ride (now sadly defunct?)
Don’t come on board, come on excited!
The villagers like to call these huts their waterfront congominiums"
We have a front dock, a back dock…looks like a paradox"
(when someone stands up too early) Looks like a victim of premature evacution
We’ll get chained up here at the dock, don’t worry, they’re professional hookers
If you’ll look to the left, you’ll see Maribou Storks, they bring the ugly babies
(when the “warrior” jumps out of the hut, armed with rubber knife) Looks like a sharp character, he’s really trying to get his point across
I spent one glorious summer working on the African Queen in college, the ride was closed the next year for the Tanganika Tidal Wave. I credit this job with obliterating my fear of public speaking and releasing my inner ham, which led to a successful career as a corporate trainer.
One of my favorite Jungle Cruise moments was actually courtesy of some other guests! We had just boarded the boat, but before leaving the dock, our young female ginger skipper realized it was the end of her shift, so she waved down another skipper to get him to take us out instead.
Suddenly, from the back of the boat we hear “We Wants the Redhead! We Wants the Redhead!” * 
On a late night Jungle Cruise in Disneyland, as we neared the dock, the skipper said "This cruise was brought to you by Disney’s latest direct-to-video feature “Piglet’s Big Luau!”
Upon seeing the crashed plane fuselage in the jungle - “uh oh… that can mean only one thing … anti-aircraft hippos!” (what can I say - absurdist comedy appeals to me!)
Since Glory has expanded the thread to similar non-Disney rides, I’ll add my favorite from the Riverboat Ride at Ohio’s Cedar Point.
Lake Erie-area native tribesmen begin shooting. The guide reassures the passengers: “Don’t worry, they’re Cleveland Indians, and they can’t hit a thing!”
The mental image has me giggling like mad.
The only one I remember was “You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can’t wipe your friends on the couch.”
Once I was on the ride and the only people who spoke English was the skipper and myself and the two people I was with. We got a very ‘special’ ride. (the rest was a Japanese tour group)
One of my favorites was when he spotted a finch that had flown into the ride.
“LOOK!! AN ACTUAL BIRD!”
He also pointed out a “hidden Mickey” on the downed plane. In the rivets is a Micky Mouse pattern.