Here is where you can share all of those questions you’ve heard, or situations you have been in that leave you scratching your head and talking to yoursel. I posted this because today at baseball practice someone actually asked me where we keep the curve balls. I got to thinking that everyone has stories like this and they need to be shared.
Now is the time for all good men to come the the aid of their gazorninplatt.
I keep asking, but everyone ignores me.
When the pin is pulled, Mr.Grenade is no longer our friend.
I still remember the time in sixth grade English when the power went out, and somenody wanted to know why the sun was still on…
An infinite number of rednecks in an infinite number of pickup trucks shooting an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs will eventually produce all the world’s great works of literature in Braille.
It always amazes me at work when someone calls asking for Joe and I say, Joe is on another line and the caller says… how long will he be?
We are, each of us angels with only one wing,and we can only fly by embracing one another
Stupidest question I heard was asked of Doug Williams, the quarterback for one of the Redskins SB teams. He happened to be the first black QB to start the big game, and wqas asked quite a few insipid questions. The best:
“How long have you been a black quarterback?”
Yer pal,
Satan
This is an old joke that I heard many years ago, but it did happen to me IRL:
I was in a restaurant, and asked the waitress what the “soup du jour” was. (The menu actually used the words “soup of the day.”)
She said that she didn’t know, but she’d find out.
She went back into the kitchen.
She came back, and, beaming, told me “It’s the soup of the day.”
(Oh, thanks.)
Mjollnir, I know what you mean.
Coldfire
“You know how complex women are”
I’ll never forget the time we were camping out in the middle of nowhere and my somewhat intoxicated friend asked me in all seriousness, “What’s that on TV?”
Here’s an email I received of some funny quotes made by athletes:
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first.”
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say “I’d run over my own
mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win,
I’d run over Joe’s mom too.”
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: “Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein.”
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his
wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too damn
ugly to kiss good-bye.”
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going
to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up,
alphabetically by height.” And “You guys pair up in groups of three,
then line up in a circle.”
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman
because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to
be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring
your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter
Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
prison for three years, not Princeton.”
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how
to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes.”
Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his
visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that
we went to.”
Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every
level, except college and pro.”
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in
the morning regardless of what time it is.”
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27
record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general
manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” (1992)
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s
expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an
aunt.” (1982)
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born
pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming
contract negotiations: “He wants Texas back.” (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of
Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical
conditioning:
“One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about
getting a nose in condition for football?” (1966)
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team’s
co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running
onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m going to send
the injured reserve players out for the toss next time.” (1981)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a
fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real
tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.” (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he
thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy
officiating.”(1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed
to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just darker.” (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote:
“I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.” (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him,
Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I
don’t know and I don’t care.’” (1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” (1991)
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he
told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like
you’re spending too much time on one subject.” (1987)
I used to work at a hotel in the mountains of Colorado. The dumbest question I ever heard was “at what altitude do deer turn into elk?”
– Sylence
I don’t have an evil side. Just a really, really apathetic one.
Last year, I went to the drive through at a Burger King in Florida. After rather impressively repeating my order back to me correctly, the employee asked me, “Will that be for here or to go?”
When I was in a high school, a guy in my science class asked the teacher if you could “Swim under the continents”. Yeah, like they were just floating around on the ocean. This is the same guy that my basketball coached claimed to be “so stupid, that if you threw him into a barrel of tits, he’d come out sucking his thumb.”
Judges 14:9 - So [Samson] scraped the honey into his hands and went on, eating as he went. When he came to his father and mother, he gave some to them and they ate it; but he did not tell them that he had scraped the honey out of the body of the lion.
Sorry. That last one was in reference to The Mall in Washington DC.
during my first pregnancy, i took a part time job at McDonalds.
it started to rain so i sent a girl out to roll up the windows on my car.
a few minutes later she returned saying
“i couldn’t roll up the windows, your door was locked”
i wondered aloud “how can a brain as small as yours hold so much DUMB?”
when my son was in kindergarten there was a snow delay. the radio went on to say that kindergarten would be following a modified schedule
i called a friend to find out what the new hours were for the day
i said “Mike, what’s the modified schedule?”
in a very condescending tone he replied.
“Melanie…a modified schedule is when they take the regular schedule and change it for a snow delay”
sigh thanks mike, your a big help
I’m pink therefore I’m Spam
My SO once went into Subway and ordered a footlong sub. The guy behind the counter responded, “We don’t have footlongs, just six inch and twelve inch.”
This one still makes me tear up from laughter everytime you write it, Sy.
During birthing class, my neighbors also were expecting and attended with us. My neighbor asked a damn good question. “If a baby is head down when it’s inside, how come it doesn’t get dizzy or pass out from the blood rushing to it’s head.”
Then, there is the popular, " How was your labor?"
from my daughter walking behind me w/ the shopping cart, ‘oops, did i run over your ankle again?’ (note the again.) {sigh}
In a movie theatre: “Did you see that?”
No, stupid, I paid 8 bucks to stare at the ceiling.
When the pin is pulled, Mr.Grenade is no longer our friend.
My girl and I went to Subway last night. She will freely admit that she is the worst “orderer” in the world. Takes a long time, can’t decide on toppings or other options, etc. Well, in preliminary discussion with me, she decided that she only wanted a “half sub.”
“That would be six-inches, then,” I said.
“Right. Six-inch… half… whatever.”
She proceeded to the counter and ordered: “A half-inch turkey sub.”
I don’t know why, but I thought that was the funniest thing I had heard in a long time. I just keep picturing the friendly Subway employee trying to slice off a half-inch of wheat and pile stuff on it…