That’s funny because a long time ago I was walking around the corner and started talking with a guy in front of his house who eventually told me he was Danzig of the band with the same name. As far as I could tell, it was true and he still lives there.
We “don’t fit in” in our neighborhood and really don’t look like we belong here. I guess some elements of your background always show through, and our service-worker, trucker, oilfield, Bubba-esque qualities are out of place among the surgeons and CEOs set. Due to this, we frequently are mistaken for the “help”. A few examples:
One neighbor stopped while I was repairing our fence, pointed to my house, and asked: “What is he paying you an hour? I need a good handyman.”
When arriving for a party at another neighbor’s, I was barred from entering the porte-cochere with the other guests and sent to the back (their staff thought we were part of the workers at the party).
We have a local marina for the neighborhood. While cleaning my boat another neighbor walked down the dock and told me to clean his when I was done. I pointed to my boat and said “I’m charging him $300, that OK?” When he agreed, I drug all my stuff over to his boat and made an extra 300 bucks. 
I never get offended by this, and find it humorous. But I sometimes wonder if I’m the neighbor they tell stories about.
My neighbors do the same. I live in a townhouse, there are four of us in the row. We have a small patch of grass out front and a small backyard. Our one neighbor has a bit more because he lives in an end unit, but he took a bunch of the grass in back out and put in a patio. It amazes us because it literally takes him all day to do his grass.
We live in a very rural part of Ohio. The house closest to us was vacant for a while, and then an older couple bought it for $25K a couple of years ago. It’s a small, decrepit place on two acres. They also purchased 5 acres of woods adjacent to their property on land contract.
They turned the place into a mini-farm. Lots of pigs, goats, ducks, and dogs. It’s like a zoo over there. And we can smell it from here. 
The wife works a normal job. He is on disability, yet he spends all day, every day working the farm. This includes feeding the animals, shoveling manure, driving a front loader, and cutting grass. Oh, and according to the county website, they are delinquent on their property taxes. They have lived there 2.5 years and have paid a total of $100 in property taxes.
A couple days ago I was talking with the neighbor on the other side of them. She said he (the unpopular neighbor) used his front loader to make a trail on her property, and back to the creek. She suspects he is dumping animal manure in the creek.
Oh, so you use a British spell checker?
I like to use a French spell checker myself. Everything sounds more romantic in French, and my posts lose something in the original.[sup]*[/sup]
- With apologies to James Thurber
Three years ago shortly after I moved in I decided to hand out Halloween candy. I noticed that the woman who lives two doors down from me is a Little Person. The weird thing is, in the three years since then I’ve never seen her again.
One day the people next door had a visitor who brought a dog with them. It laid there all day and I commented about it to my nephews and niece. They were sure it was a statue.
Nearly had my downstairs door busted in by the police after somebody filed a child abuse complaint against the renter’s sister.
I was the drummer for Assassin’s Creed.
<Envelope to forehead>
Carnack says: “you are going to a tax auction soon”.
You’re a really helpful neighbor!
Would be nice.
There are hundreds - perhaps a few thousand - properties on the county’s delinquent list. How long does it take for a county to finally put a property up for auction?
My Dad used to live in the even swankier outlying neighborhood surrounding the uber-swanky Orchard Lake Village, MI. Not on the lake, mind you, but across the street. The area is upper-middle-class suburbs for miles and miles, and it’s a long drive to the nearest shopping area.
One evening we’re driving to the house and I see this man who is clearly homeless walking up from the lake toward the road. It was winter in Michigan, night was coming fast and bitterly cold. I felt so bad for him I asked my Dad please to give him a ride into town where he could find a warm place to stay.
He said no, that’s the neighbor we were complaining about, the one who keeps adding to his garage because he can’t stop buying cars.
AKA Bob Seger.
Did you know that the word ‘neighbor’ comes from the dutch/low german term ‘nigh boer’ or ‘near farmer’? (Boor, as in low class peasant, also derives from boer).
My nearest nigh boer is a cousin of mine who runs a mink farm. Most of the pelts get sold to Russia and China these days. The mink sometimes escape and wander the nighboerhood, terrifying the local dogs. We call them, they put out traps, and get their mink back.
Ha ha, I saw your namesake at a concert earlier this month. He looks just as good as ever! Woo!
Latest developments on my neighbor J who wants to go to Switzerland and hook up with M.
He likes to show me his progress in preparing for his eventual trip. He brought over his folder of all the necessary papers for his passport. He brought over a suitcase that looked like something from the 50s. When I told him he should wear circular glasses and carry an umbrella with it, he got mad. He then asked me if the suitcase made him look gay. I said he definitely had a particular style. I eventually got the idea he’s looking for support, so I told him he looked like James Bond in summer wear hooking up with a hot chick in a cabana. He liked that.
Later, he told me M has their itinerary planned out, and they would be staying a night at her father’s house. He didn’t like the idea of that and said he would ask her if they could stay somewhere else. I said her dad’s probably cool with it by now, because she’s probably brought boyfriends over there before. This got him stirred up (whoops). I added “before she met you!” He said “I don’t wanna talk about it anymore!” I realize I basically called her a whore, but he told me of at least 2 boyfriends she’s had, one of which she had planned to come to the states to marry. (Sound familiar?)
I can’t help it. I lost the “blow smoke up your ass” gene long ago. I’m too cynical and jaded to sugar-coat shit anymore.
Thing is, I could tell M was a gypsy when I met her. She’s a nymph, completely free spirited and flighty. He told me she’s sleeping on a friend’s couch this week, after moving out of her old boyfriend’s place, and she’ll be in somebody else’s place when he comes to visit. I have yet to say “sounds like she has commitment issues,” because he doesn’t his infatuation questioned, but I’m afraid that poor boy’s heart is going to be ripped out and stomped on.
I’ve posted this story before, but since there’s a thread for it now, I’ll go ahead and post it again.
I bought my house from my best fiend at the end of 2003. He’d bought it in 2001. He noticed the fence between his property and the property next doo had an unusual ‘jog’ in it. Near the back of the property, it turned 90° and extended into the yard about six or eight feet, then turned 90° the other way and continued to the back of the property. He thought this was odd, so he straightened it. The woman who occasionally uses the single-wide next door came unglued. It seems there was a dispute about 20 years prior, where the then-owner of my house encroached upon the neighbour’s property. He planted trees to stake his claim. It went to court, and the decision was this: He could keep the property to the line of trees he’d planted. The neighbour’s property would then ‘encroach’ six or eight feet into his property, about halfway back, and extend to the property line. My friend didn’t know this, and was made to restore the crooked fence line.
The woman who owns the property next door only comes up from Seattle occasionally. She sits in her trailer and watches TV. We haven’t seen her in two years, except briefly, once, last year where she was there for a couple of hours. Even when she’s been up, we never met until nine years after I bought the house. I came home from work one evening, after the long slog up from my office in Seattle, and Obsessive Lady approaches. ‘Do you own that house?’ she asked. I replied in the affirmative. She then proceeded to tell me about the property line, and claimed I’d moved the fence farther into her yard. (I didn’t. I stood it up where it had been.) She said the trees were pushing the fence posts over. She asked if the end posts were still up. They are. She said I should run a string between them to see where the fence should be. I don’t really give a crap about a fence. The property line only matters when the property is sold, and I’m not planning on selling. I told her if she wanted to put up a string, go ahead. [The future-]Mrs. L.A. was watching the conversation from inside of the house. From the start, she noticed Obsessive Lady’s aggressive, arms akimbo stance, and decided she wanted nothing to do with her. She was a little mad that this woman appeared to be ‘beating me up’. (For my part, I was like, ‘Yeah, whatever.’ Not that I’m unfriendly, but I don’t like being berated before someone even says ‘Hello.’) The only other time there has been a verbal interchange, was when Obsessive Lady noticed the curtains my wife put up, and apparently asked Mrs. L.A. (RN, BSN) if she would like to do some sewing for her. 
So there was a property dispute, like 30 years before. And this woman is still obsessing about it. In the wind storm a year and a half ago, the rotten fence came down anyway.
Apparently Obsessive Lady is a bit of a snoop. We’d just had the new deck, with its roof, built. We like to hang out on it, and Mrs. L.A. bought a propane fire pit. When I was inside, Mrs. L.A. heard the woman in the trailer telling someone, 'They just sit out there! :dubious: ’ Yes. Yes, we do. It’s a nice space, and it’s relaxing to sit there. Perhaps the retractable shade I put up to cut down on the glare from her trailer will keep her from snooping so much.
And speaking of snooping, not long after the [Then Future-]Mrs. L.A. moved in, she was having a long phone conversation on the patio (Way before the deck!) with a relative. Obsessive Lady was standing at one of her windows, just watching and listening.
But as I said, we haven’t seen her in a couple of years. She’s obese, probably in her 60s, and has bad joints. Maybe it’s not worth the effort to come up to sit in a trailer and watch TV.
I once had a neighbor who before, had been a drummer for some heavy metal group called Dokken. I could tell he’d also done alot of drugs.
Well that was ok but he became part of a local band who would do basically day long practice sessions on saturdays. I mean I wasnt mad or anything, they actually sounded pretty good, more just amused. We’d joke about how we should send over requests.
Well anyhow when we went to move the guy basically had done nothing to his backyard so I ended up going over there and mowing and cleaning up all the brush.
One BAD neighbor, we had this woman who was ok by herself, but her adult son was a punk and her boyfreind was trouble. The son would want to race his car up and down the street and the BF would work on old cars in the street and leave parts strewn everywhere.
So, we got with the cops and the code enforcers and they made them clean up their mess. Ex. tickets for obstructing the sidewalk, tickets for dumping oil, tickets for cars up on jacks, etc… They got the message. The son ended up moving away and they up being good, decent neighbors after that.
I’d call Codes Enforcement.
I have great neighbors and they think I’m great, too. It helps that we’re about 1/3 mile away from each other. But I feed their sheep and livestock dogs when they go on vacation, and give them groceries when they run out of something (it’s 10 miles to the nearest store - you learn to call up your neighbor and ask for the cup of sugar rather than spend a couple dollars in gas just to run to the store). And they keep an eye on me - if I’m not home when I should be, they call to check up on my. Now, that could be perceived as being nosy, but the husband is a cop and worries that I’ll be murdered some day because I don’t lock my house.
StG
Post-divorce, bought a house and moved in. Lived there five years. Crappy neighbors on both sides, one but I will start with Joel. A single guy, about my age, who rented the other bedrooms, more than city code allows for unrelated people, so more cars than could be accommodated in front of his house or driveway (which had a half painted old bus, large flatbed, etc in it), so they parked in front of mine. Legal, but annoying.
When my windows were open, I could tell when he walked by to the community mailbox by the strong smell of patchouli and cigarette smoke wafting in, also by the cigarette butts flipped onto my lawn (also found many flipped over the back fence). The pack of condoms under a bush by the street I’m pretty sure belonged to him, but not sure. They got shredded by the lawnmower and strewn all over.
From the day I moved in, he asked repeatedly if ‘we’ shouldn’t cut a hole in the fence so our dogs could play. He had two huge dogs which he never picked up after, I had one small dog who my daughter picked up after before each mowing.
I worked for the county sheriff, and when a deputy heard where I moved he told me to look up this guy in the files. I lived in the city, so wondered why my neighbor would be in county files. He was there because he had trespassed in an ex-gf house, criminal mischief including piling her clothes in the yard, shredding and burning them, in addition to returning and causing disturbances. Then the same scene played out right next door when one of his female roommates spurned his advances and he evicted her - screaming, stuff flying out of windows, police arriving etc.
Halloween was his favorite holiday - October 1, the yard was filled with tombstones, hanging monsters, strobe lights and closer to the actual night, lots of audio with clanking chains and moans etc. I had a very young child as well as the teenage. She had to walk by that to school. She did not like it. Fourth of July was his next favorite holiday - fireworks in city limits are illegal, but as soon as the stands near the state border went up, there were firecrackers at all hours for several weeks.
One of his roommates was assigned to clean up the side of his house. This he did by tossing everything into MY yard. It took several days for him to acknowledge that it was his trash, and that he should remove it.
He had a loose piece of plywood in the flatbed trailer, and during one windstorm it cartwheeled into my vintage VW Beetle, gouging it, and poked a hole in my garage door.
He started a painting company, and spray painted the derelict bus on his front lawn. The paint silhouette of the van did eventually go away, but the paint drifted over to my house and cars. He decided to build a wall and fountain in his front yard, with a large sign advertising his painting company. Had a large pile of gravel dumped in the street, in the lane of traffic. Heading west, when the sun was in your eyes, you could not see it. but you wouldn’t run into it, because he also had dozens of large stone blocks dumped in the street as well. (couldn’t park there, so back in front my house again). I expected he would get that project done as quickly as possible, but that stuff was out there for months. I don’t know if the city ticketed him or not, as I kept my distance. I still drive that road sometimes, and I don’t think it has ever been completed.
When my teenage daughter was at her worst, and he could overhear some of the arguments, he came over to volunteer to take her out on his boat and counsel her. I told her that if she didn’t straighten up, I just might let him. She straightened up.
Neighbors on the other side were a seemingly nice family, parents, son, daughter. Son and dad bounced a basketball in the driveway almost every waking hour. I worked variable shifts, so this was not pleasant when I was trying to sleep. Wife and daughter were very quiet. Dad was a loud talker, and an avid fan when sports were on tv, which was constantly I could hear him on the phone when he was in his house, recounting his victories bullying people - at work, at the store, everywhere.
He obsessively mowed his lawn, every other day, then cleaned each blade of the mower after every mowing. One day he decided my lawn couldn’t wait for us to mow it, so took it upon himself to mow it to 1/2" height, not healthy for my lawn. I thanked him, but asked him not to do it again. He said he would come into my yard any time he pleased. I said no, I was now telling him not to come into my yard, ever. I was dating a deputy, who also explained to him that we’d prefer our grass not be so short, not good for it, please don’t mow it. He started yelling that he would mow it whenever he wanted. My bf did not want it to turn physical, so returned home. This guy followed him to the door and started banging on the door, yelling, challenging him to come out and fight. So we had to call the city cops. They arrive. They tell him he was trespassing, and not to do come onto my property. So whenever he was outdoors, he would loudly announce to anyone walking by that I called the police on him. Considering there was almost always a marked cop car parked outside my house, this seemed funny. One day I was returning from community mailbox and he stepped out on the sidewalk blocking my way. I am 5’2’, and was hugely pregnant. And he was bullying this 46 year old short pregnant lady! What a dick.
They moved a few months later. From what I could hear him loudly yelling on the phone to someone, he had problems at work and quit. I don’t know what ever happened to them. Something awful, I hope, happened to him.
Was going to post about a good neighbor story but am still dumbfounded by MsJinx story. WTF is wrong with some people?
Thankfully, I did not have MsJinx’s experience, but I did have a crazy neighbour when I was pregnant, who took issue with my dandelions. I had dandelions on my backyard, and she felt I should be treating them with a herbicide. I refused and then had to go out and order her from my yard when I caught her spraying.
As a pregnant women with a black lab puppy, I didn’t want herbicide sprayed in my yard. She was pretty high-strung on yard care.