So I have this big poor-me dilemma. Only I really, really don’t know what to do. This year I am (finally) going to finish my dissertation and be done with grad school. The reason I am so certain of this is that I have applied for some post-doc positions, and things are starting to get mighty real all of a sudden.
First, I saw a fellowship at the CDC (that’s Centers for Disease Control) that seemed to be written with my interests in mind. Then, while at a conference, I met a professor at a big-name university who encouraged me to apply for a postdoc to come and work with her. My PhD will be from a very well respected program in my field. Fantastic, right? Right! I was floating on air.
Here’s the reality part: There is really no prospect for a job for me where I live now (Seattle). We’ve trained a lot of good people, a lot of them have stayed, and to get the specialized training I need to do the work I want, I really need to go elsewhere, at least for a while. My husband doesn’t really want to go anywhere, he’s got a pretty good job, lots of friends, many connections for his non-work interests, etc.
The CDC has made it clear that they want me, and I don’t have a lot of time to give them an answer. The big-name university is farting around, not clear on when they’ll make a decision. I can call my contact there, but I feel awkward about putting pressure on her. They have told me that they want to interview me, which is a very positive sign.
I also have to think about what kind of career I want. I’ve been assuming that I want to do academics. I love teaching in my field, and I really want to be able to do that, and to work with students. But perhaps it’s not the right thing for me. I have literally never in my life been away from a University. I started school at age 3 at a University school, between college and grad school I worked at a research center affiliated with a University, I live about 4 miles from my current University and that’s the farthest I have ever lived from a University. I will be the 4th generation in my family to get a PhD.
And then there’s the depression thing. I get depressed sometimes and my productivity goes down. That’s not really cool, especially on the junior faculty treadmill. And, especially on the east coast, it’s hard to have a family and do the academic thing without trying to be superwoman. I am no superwoman. The big-name school is on the west coast, and they are more relaxed about the family and life thing. Both my therapist and my psychiatrist say I can expect fewer and less severe depressions in the future (because I now have some understanding of what has been going on inside my head), but I’m very wary of trusting my future on that expectation. If I screw up in an academic setting, it would be big.
I could try government work, I would learn a lot. In fact, both jobs would be great. If I want to do straight academics, though, I think the big-name place would be better. But the CDC wouldn’t be bad. There is no way my husband would come to Atlanta, and it wouldn’t make sense for him to do so for a year. A job in the hand, a job peeking out of the bush …
All this upheaval! I have to make a major life decision in the next week!
Help me, please.