What on earth about any previous interactions with either of them made you think that was even remotely possible with them? It would be a massive, fundamental change from everything you’ve ever seen out of them–bringing the drama llama antics is just what this woman does, and he defends said drama llama antics. Expecting that there wouldn’t be any antics, or that he would object to said antics…you’d have better luck poking a bear with a stick and expecting it not to become angry. To the objective outsider, it does rather come across as stunningly naive and/or dumb, or else as Kimmy says, plain old shit-stirring.
That seems a wise approach–and an accurate assumption that the wife would learn of it, and bridges would erupt into flames. I mentioned saying something as, again, a nothing-to-lose thing (understanding I was not suggesting you say “We don’t want to be your friend because your wife is batshit,” but instead find a verrrry delicate way to frame your words), but it does sound like there is potential for future loss.
I’ve realized my “And then come back here and tell us” could have been read as being Monty Burns-type finger-tapping glee, and that was not the case. It was basically a request to hear each chapter of the story, and delicately saying something to the husband would be an eyebrow-raiser. But I would not suggest saying something just because it would be an eyebrow raiser, and I don’t get the impression you would.
Treading carefully here, but suffice it to say I have to contend with someone of very similar (but not as extreme) cloth. I have learned to swallow my words and leave things be, and be glad my marriage is not like that. The “normal” spouse in my situation, I’ve realized, is well aware of how their spouse is, and seems to accept that is the case and willingly lives their life around the whims of the other. I was initially incredulous, but then, I think I was naive assuming that everyone wants the same type of relationship I do.
It seems a similar (though far more extreme) situation here; the husband most likely knows exactly what he has married, and for whatever reason, it works for him…or at least, enough that he feels no need to change anything.
By backing away slowly, the bridge remains intact. Now, should hubby ever ask (alone, not in the presence of wifey) why friends have backed away, you might just want to be honest. Not detailed, not nasty, not cruel, just honest. If he seriously wants to know, and is truly that unaware of how he and wifey come across, then it might be a lightbulb moment for him. Then again, if he’s not ready to hear it, an evasive answer wouldn’t hurt.
Ick.
There’s a Far Side cartoon my hubby and I often refer to. It is four simple panels, with the caption “How nature says do not touch” below. The panels feature a hissing cat with an arched back, a skunk in a threatening pose, a porcupine, and…a guy wearing an animal-shaped inner tube, a trenchcoat, a shoe on his head, and a bazooka under his arm. When we encounter the unstable, uncomfortable, “ick” factor people socially, hubby and I often describe our impression of them by simply saying “How nature says do not touch.” I think the wife in this situation fits the category.
Previously, we discussed the possibility of going to a bar for a boys night out. To clarify our previous conversation with them, his wife told us that she was not comfortable with him going to a bar for a boys night out.
We asked, “What about a restaurant?” She said she “would think about it.” We figured she was probably blowing us off by saying she would “think about” a restaurant. However, we would never really know unless we actually invited him out to a restaurant. So, we did.
I figured there was maybe an 85% chance he would decline two dinner invites, we would have our answer, and we would move on. I figured there was maybe a 15% chance the circumstances were tame enough that she might just tell him to go have fun without her for a couple hours… no late night … no drinking… just dinner. I didn’t expect what actually transpired at all.
Well, as discussed, we dropped them like a hot rock after that “one last chance” debacle.
The husband since called and left a message on a Saturday asking me to help him move since they are selling their house. I ignored the message until Monday when he wrote me an email asking if we were feuding. I wrote back saying we were busy and I didn’t get his message until it was too late.
He wrote back wondering if my wife and I go out for Monday Night Football. I wrote back saying simply I haven’t been doing MNF at all.
Today, she updated he Facebook status to say how fascinating it is that people who she thought were great friends can suddenly disappear.
I dunno. I feel bad just dropping people like that, but what are you gonna do?
What was the downside of telling the guy the truth?
Plenty. Saying “I can’t stand your wife” would upset the friend, make Bearflag70 feel uncomfortable, and really have no effect. What do you suppose would happen after that revelation? That the wife would suddenly become a whole new person? That the friend would say “You know, you’re right. She does suck. GTFO, bitch!”? Perhaps you’re one of those silly people who believe in that new-age hokum called “closure”?
At any rate, Bearflag is handling this quite appropriately and without creating any unnecessary drama. Contrary to a lot of popular opinion, just having feelings isn’t always a good enough reason to express them.
I thought telling him the truth would completely burn the bridge, whereas simply “letting them go” would at least possibly keep them as acquaintances without hard feelings… we just wouldn’t invite them to do stuff anymore.
I suppose her FB post is essentially her passive aggressive move of determining the true status of things.
OPTIONS:
- Ignore her bait.
Likely result: friendship over. Bridge burned.
- Take her bait, giving the “we’ve just been busy” excuse.
Likely result: Some obligatory going out with them to prove we are not totally dropping them. However, going out with them will not go well unless we clear the air. This is the Hail Mary. The effort to clear the air may burn the bridge, but we won’t know until we try. Maybe she will take it to heart and change her attitude and make better effort control her moods. Who knows?
Perhaps the Hail Mary is the better option. However, the wives in this situation have a bigger emotional investment in this than the husbands. So, if we are going to throw the Hail Mary, I think it will have to be us guys kidnapping the husband and telling him straight up what the deal is, over some drinks.
Just my present thoughts here taking into consideration the Hail Mary option expressed above. No decision made…
Something tells me there’ll still be enough drama to go around (and a ‘Should I un-friend these people on Facebook?’ thread in a few weeks).
OTOH, I can see our wives saying, “Screw it, let them go.”
My emotional conflict comes from the fact that in my past, whenever I have had a problem with a guy, I can usually just politely tell him straight up to his face, clear the air, and move on from it, friendship intact. This whole dropping people without saying a word bit has me uneasy.
And three parts deeply insecure.
Yeah, she posts these cliffhangers on FB like, “I’m so upset!” She gives no explanation or detail beyond that. This is her way of being validated by getting people to come to her to ask what’s wrong and lend support. Her husband has confirmed this to us. It’s so annoying, and we have told her so.
Good points, thanks.
If they were inviting you to join them for Monday Night Football, I might accept the invite for two reasons:
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According to your OP, you had hitherto spent many months hanging out with this couple, but in small doses–a few hours here and there. Things came to a head after an unpleasant weekend where you were stuck with them in a country cabin. Perhaps you can go back to small doses again? Note also that this will mean putting the genie back in the bottle, since you’ve been focusing on your distaste for the wife for a while.
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Perhaps if they are the hosts, they (she) will undertake greater efforts to be agreeable. And they’ve noted that you’ve cooled your reaction to them, and that seems to have gotten them thinking about whether they’ve given you any cause to pull back–maybe the thought has occurred to them that they’ve been a bit over the top in the past.
You don’t have to do this, of course. And I’m certainly not guaranteeing that it will be any more successful than previous recent outings. There’s nothing that says we have to like everybody, and we all make acquaintances that prove not to make such great friends.
It’s just food for thought.
I’m all about telling people the truth. Not that they necessarily enjoy it at the time, but I think walking away without telling them what they did wrong is the cruelest answer. This way, they have lost their friends and don’t even have the chance to learn from it.
If it was me, I’d want somebody to tell me. Wouldn’t you?
Notably, the husbands have been pretty even keel about the whole thing by tuning out the woman when she’s acting up, for the most part. Our wives have not tuned her out and are more affected by her moods, behaviors, etc.
So, I think the answer possibly comes back to this cost-benefit question:
To what extent do our wives value the “benefit” of the ability to hang out with this couple, as a couple, even in small doses? If the answer is “not at all” then the problem is solved, as it is no longer worth the cost of even thinking about it, let alone making Hail Mary attempts to “salvage” something of no benefit.
Wow. After this example, I see two things.
- This woman is a way too uptight controlling manipulative shrew and needs to lighten up
- This man needs to grow a pair and stop defending his wife when she’s exhibiting her insane shrewish behavior.
The sad reality is that neither of these things are likely to happen. Women like her look for husbands like him, and husbands like him need to be controlled by women like her. 
Unless you feel like being nice and inviting them over to an event where everyone is kind of on their own in ‘hang out’ mode, like a bbq, then I’d just not invite them over.
I recently had this same thing happen to me. The wife of a couple is (in my judgment) kind of insecure, and behaves in an overly demonstrative behavior so as to always be the center of attention. You know the type: i.e. I might expect a handshake from the men, and a hug from the women… she has to have the and kiss on the cheek; she always wants to tell her 1-up story. It’s more than that… ugh. I just got to where I couldn’t stand to be around her anymore.
+1
DAMN. Just got an email from the husband asking if we all decided not to be their friends anymore.
This doesn’t feel right.
Dude, you need to suck it up and be a man. Stop pissing and moaning on a messageboard and deal with the situation. Unless I missed it, I don’t see anywhere in this thread where anyone has flat-out told the guy that his wife is a no-fun control freak that people can’t stand.
Friends tell friends when their fly is down. This dude’s fly is down, his shorts are off, and his dick is hanging out of his pants in the middle of a crowded bar … and you’re trying elaborate social machinations to suggest a hint that might lead him to a train of thought …
Tell him. Face to face, man to man. Odds are it’ll end the relationship, but that’s better anyway. And five years from now, after the divorce, he’ll probably thank you.