and tell him, don’t email him. Give him a call and have a conversation.
OK, after deliberations among us, my wife wants no part of her “friendship.” Done.
The plan is to respond to him with an invite with the boys only for a drink, with emphasis on BOYS ONLY. If he can’t do that, then we’re done.
If he can, then we break it to him over a beer and let him know that we really like him but it’s like oil and water with us and his wife. Henceforth, it’s boys only or nothing.
It’s up to him, but the offer is there. Take it or leave it.
ETA: What furt said
I’ll add some of my wife’s analysis just for fun:
This woman is very selfish. She contributes nothing to a friendship besides the occasional batch of brownies. She never asks how anyone else is doing or what they are up to. If you happen to mention something you are into, she gets this glazed look like she’s not even listening… because she’s not and she doesn’t care about anyone else.
Why waste your time and energy even trying to be friends with someone who makes no effort to reciprocate friendship and concern for others? We like to hang out with friends who give a shit about others, but, for her, spending time with others is just passing time.
Also, it’s not OK to waste time on someone who thinks controlling the mood and environment of others is OK.
My wife had these thoughts for a while and thought we were over-inviting this other couple to spend time with us given the lack of friendship vibe she was getting. She saw red flags some time ago and, if she had her way at the time, she would not have invited them out as much as we did.
I was this guy, the one with the annoying wife that would subversively try to sabotage any outings that we were invited to on MY side of friends. Eventually I stopped getting invited to things because she was such a downer and obviously made me uncomfortable around them. I had very few friends.
Well that bitch is gone, problem solved. The woman in the OP is obviously codependent and thinks she needs to latch onto her husband like an anglerfish, lest any tiny temptation makes him wander away. The reason she didn’t want her husband to go to a bar is because bars is where you meet women. Obviously it was a plot to get him hooked up with some barfloozy, fuck her, and come home with herpegonnohrea-AIDS, or simply fall in love and move out the next day. I’m totally not kidding, that’s how my ex thought, and that’s how she thought.
I think you were right to dump them. He won’t change because it’s easier to keep her happy by being a doormat, and she’ll always be this neurotic emotional vampire until she’s sick of him and gets rid of him.
You didn’t “just drop them like that.” They knew there was a problem. She made her choice, he made his choice, y’all made your choice.
Since he is asking for updates, give them, but don’t allow him to claim he didn’t know the train was leaving the station, cos them whistles were pretty loud.
I can’t imagine my husband writing an email asking if our friendship was off after he and his wife demurred on a Monday Night Football invitation. Sounds like both of them are insecure.
In most cases, I’d advise just avoiding them, but it sounds like that’s not an option. So, yeah, be honest with him, but do it diplomatically.
“Your wife is batshit insane” -> Not good
“We felt uncomfortable with her Type A behavior at the cabin. We’re just not big planners and like to go with the flow.” -> Fair
“Your wife is a controlling bitch.”->Not good
“It makes for an awkward night when your spouse gets annoyed by mundane things like where you choose to sit.”
“Your wife is over-the-top insecure.” ->Not good
“If your wife puts the kebash on a boys’ night out, then it’s clear that she doesn’t trust us. It’s hard to be good friends with people who don’t trust you.”
This is among the best advice in this thread.
WTF? Is she twelve?
Geez, I’d be tempted to not even be diplomatic about it. 99% of the time, diplomacy is the better option. “I’m sorry, but we don’t feel that our personality types mesh well together and we often feel awkward.” But there is that little wee 1% of the time where really, people just need to hear the nasty truth: “Dude, we just can’t deal with your wife.”
Like I had an ex-girlfriend who just wanted to be friends. Okay, fair enough, but like your wife’s analysis of Freak Wife, she contributed nothing to any kind of friendship, she was a social control freak, she was self-absorbed, did not actually participate in any kind of reciprocal kindness etc. I wanted her out of my life permanently.
If she was on the receiving end of PunditLisa’s very good advice and diplomacy, it would go:
*“We felt uncomfortable with her Type A behavior at the cabin. We’re just not big planners and like to go with the flow.”
:: blink, blink:: “But what do you mean? I don’t think I understand.”
“It makes for an awkward night when your spouse gets annoyed by mundane things like where you choose to sit.”
:: blink, blink:: “But what do you mean? I don’t think I understand.”*
If that happens, forget the diplomacy.
Especially the last one.
“…it’s clear that she doesn’t trust us.”
How much you want to bet she will be reading the reply email? Guys who aren’t allowed out with their friends aren’t allowed to keep their passwords secret. Just keep it in mind as a possibility, if you want to get across a certain message or tone.
Hell, it wouldn’t surprise me if the control freak wrote the original “Are you dumping us?” email herself form her husband’s account.
Thanks for the tips!
We have been discussing the need to talk to him delicately, without attacking his wife. Good ideas there.
Her recent Facebook post is added to the list of annoying passive aggressive childish behavior. I wanted to post something snarky like
“What is this, third grade?”
“You already said you don’t do friends well. What did you expect?”
“Maybe disappearing friends says more about you than your ‘friends.’”
Anyway, in response to all this, I sent an email invite to the husbands to go to Monday Night Football with just the boys, with emphasis on BOYS ONLY in the innvite. “BRING PENIS!”
If he ignores or refuses, screw it, we’re done. Maybe they will take a hint from the fact that the ONLY post-cabin invites they have gotten are all BOYS ONLY events… but maybe they won’t. I care a lot less today than I did yesterday.
If he accepts and goes, then we’ll have a chat and see what happens. However, since the only option on the table for future friendship is “boys only” or nothing, and we already know “boys only” is most likely not in the cards, I guess we’re done either way.
BINGO. I had the same thought.
Funny. Just got an innocent little invite from the crazy wife asking if we all want to go do something fun on Saturday or Sunday.
Methinks the answer is going to be NO.
They do share passwords and such and chat online under each others names.
The more you try to weasel out of this friendship by avoiding a difficult conversation, the more awkward situations and feelings you’re going to create. You don’t have to be unkind, but you should be honest.
Send a nicely worded email (and let’s face it, who cares if the woman is going to read it?), let him know that you think he’s a nice guy, but the way his marriage works, with his wife wanting to be wherever he is, simply doesn’t work for you and your friends.
You are all in trusting relationships where your wives are happy for you to spent time apart from them, and bringing a wife to a ‘boys night out’ completely changes the dynamic of the evening and you and your other friends don’t enjoy themselves as much.
Just give specific examples, describing her behaviour, and noting that it’s completely different to how you, your wife, and your friends like to behave. You don’t have to judge her as a person, just describe the behaviours and say that you don’t hang around people like that.
Wow!
I had the controlling ex, but she would never in a million years have had access to my personal email and such!
That is crazy stupid over-the-top!
There’s no real point in trying to be gentle or diplomatic with people like this. They don’t get it and never will because, as your wife so perceptively points out, when you try to talk to them about what’s going on with you they stop listening. The fact that being with them makes you feel uncomfortable or unhappy or annoyed…it’s irrelevant to their perception of the relationship. Firstly, the reasons you feel that way don’t make any sense to them because it implies that there’s something wrong with their behavior and obviously that’s utter nonsense. Secondly, other people’s feelings and lives in general just really doesn’t fully enter in their consciousness even if they do listen.
Good points. Maybe another boys night invite is not the best idea. The other husband wrote me saying we should just send an email and end it.
He listens, she does not… just to be fair.