Pre-relationship behavior: what would precipitate a break-up for you?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Last night, **SkaldsGirl *** and I had a mostly silly discussion about what would and would not be relationship deal-breakers. By this we mean not things that a partner could do in after a relationship begins that, if discovered, would probably precipitate at least a strenuous re-evaluation, but rather things that the other party did before the relationship began.

Neither of us had any issues that would cause a breakup (at least none that were disclosed). But we surprised each other by the things we were willing to accept. In my case, it was that I wouldn’t necessarily object to dating a girl who had worked as a prostitute**; in her case, it was that she would be willing to still date a man who had committed rape***.

All of which brings me to the questions I opened the thread to ask: what behavior could a person have committed, prior to meeting you, that would likely cause you to dump her or him if you discovered it after you started a romantic relationship? Why is this act a deal-breaker for you? Would it matter if you made the discovery after marriage? Would you be breaking up with the person because of he/she kept the prior bad act secret from you, or is the nature of the act enough in itself?

If you don’t mind, list your gender and approximate ange (i.e., to the decade) in answering, along with any other info you think sheds light on your position.

*I really need to find a better way to refer to her than that.

**Yes, this did cause some grumbling in light of my HIV scare from earlier this year.

***She had a long, long, long list of qualifiers that basically boil down to her believing that people can change…sometimes.

2

Hmm…for me—admittedly a true novice in this field—I’d guess;

•Major felonies (I’m talking “hanging offense” bad), with or without conviction, if there was no conceivable justification. (So, say, if I found out my girlfriend had murdered a serial rapist, I’d be able to live with it a lot easier than if she’d run over a group of blind orphans, but got off because she was so drunk.)
•I really, honestly, don’t know what my reaction would be if I found out hypothetical girlfriend had had a sex change operation. Really, I have no idea whatsoever. I mean, I’d be civil about it, in any case, but I don’t know if it’d be a “deal-breaker” or not.

After those…I dunno. Nothing really leaps to mind.

3

If I found out anything that makes me think that I might be in danger in the future I would not be able to trust that person anymore.
For example, someone who cheated on their ex is not necessarily going to make me think twice about dating them. I will probably keep that information on the back burner in case behavior starts getting strange in the future but I am not going to walk away from someone for that.
On the other hand, someone who has done time for assaulting and raping a woman is a horse of a different color and I am not staying in that relationship for a moment longer.

(I am a woman in my 20’s)

4

woman - 40s

I’d dump a fella who’d been convicted of a sex crime of any sort, or had been married more than once, or had umpteen kids by umpteen other women…

I have dumped a fella for insisting that “when the time comes” all 8 of his elderly relations would be moving into his house… Dude, I already look after my own parents, I’m not taking on another 8 people. Of course he thinks looking after old people involves making them cups of tea and putting tartan blankets over their legs while they watch TV

5

I once went on a date with a Miami cop who’d told me he was “single, single, single” (in Spanish we use double words for emphasis).

After he picked me up, we went to his house to wait there for his friend. He had the pictures of his three kids on the fridge. Each by a different woman. He did pay alimony, x3, and did get each kid once a month. But well, yeah, strictly speaking he was not nor had ever been married.

That was enough to cause a Big Red Light, but actually the moment when I decided “ok, not seeing you again, pal” was when his friend showed up with two fifteen-year olds. The friend (also a cop, and also in his thirties) greasing the girlies’ way into the club we were visiting wasn’t even a factor.

Mind you, at least “my” cop was dating someone who wasn’t young enough to be his biological kid, buttttttt…

Female, now 38; at that point 28.

And like pbbth said, anything that meant myself or “my people” would be in danger from this guy. I dumped a cheating bf once, not for the cheating itself - but for not using a condom with other people at the same time as he was asking me to get pregnant; iow, for endangering those children he wanted to make.

6

If they were abusive in a previous relationship, committed, or tried to commit a sex crime, if they ever abused/killed an animal for kicks.

Female, 30’s. I married the above person, then divorced him. If I knew then, what I know now… :smack:

7

A sex crime of any sort? Including, oh, public indecency, which can simply be getting caught pissing in public?

8

I doubt if I am unusual.

  • Major felonies
  • Heavy/consistent drug use/abuse
  • Certain sex crimes. Pedophilia and rape spring to mind.
  • Abusive in a previous relationship.
  • And surprising maybe because I don’t have kids and don’t want them, I would be very upset if I found out he had a kid and wasn’t taking care of it in some way. Had cut himself off or something. I’m at the receiving end of an abandoning father, I couldn’t forgive it.
9

I’m a male in my 30’s and would probably break off a relationship (maybe even a marriage) if I found out that my partner had:

  • Ever been a prostitute
  • Ever abused a child (violently or sexually)
  • Had a sex-change and was previously male
  • Previously lied to me about her sexual orientation (ie was a lesbian but hadn’t told me)
  • Ever tortured someone
  • Ever killed anyone (depending on circumstances)

That about covers it.

10

If I found out they were cheap. Not thrifty and watching their finances, but cheap.

I went out with a guy who looked great on paper. He was from a good family, amazing looking, fit, graduated from an ivy league school but he was so cheap I couldn’t believe it.

His idea of taking somone out was to take them to happy hour for the free food. When we got to the car he proudly showed me the roll of toilet paper he took and bragged about almost never buying TP.

If I knew before that he was that cheap I never would have gone out with him.

11

Let’s see, things that happened before we met that I would leave my SO over…

  1. prostitution
  2. heavy drug use
  3. murder
  4. major things that he has lied about

Most of the things I would think of would fall under #4. Such as, I know that he stripped in a nightclub on two occasions. I would never be involved with a stripper so if I found out he had been doing it on a regular basis that would likely be breakup material. We’ve been together 6 years and I really don’t think anything will come up, but I would leave him for violating my trust by lying to me about something big for this long.

12

Female, age 28. Currently engaged to the greatest man alive.

I’m pretty picky, though I blame that on the long string of really crappy relationships I went through before meeting my fiance.

Here goes:

  • Major felonies, for obvious reasons

  • Cheating on a past partner, as I firmly believe that if you can do it once, it’ll be twice as easy to do it again, ane easier every time after that

  • Married more than once, as I would have trouble believing that this would be different

  • Heavy/consistent drug use/abuse, as I’m not a fan of drugs and I’m not willing to deal with the heavy use or abuse of them.

  • Worked in the sex industry, as I wouldn’t be able to look at him without feeling gross, and I’d feel like rushing to get a blood test whenever we were intimate, along with the fact that I would, rightly or wrongly, lose respect for him

  • A history of stealing, even if it’s just small things…actually, we can just say a history of consistent dishonest behaviour of any kind. I’m not cool with dishonesty, and I can’t trust a person who is.

  • If they had ever deliberately hurt, swindled, taken advantage of, or in any other way abused someone.

  • If they have ever used the services of a prostitute, as I find this extremely sleazy and I’d feel like washing up after hearing this… and who’s to say he wouldn’t do it again?

  • If they have a history of failed relationships and they say that every one of their exes are “crazy”. I’m not crazy, so it’s not that you’re attracted to crazy people. So the only common denominator here is him. And that indicates that either he can’t accept his own part in the failure of his relationships, or he’s lying about why they failed, and neither sits well with me.

13

A couple of people have listed heavy drug use. Although the worst I’ve ever done was smoke pot a couple of times in high school, that wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me as long as the drug use was not current. What might be, though, is alcoholism, simply because I like to drink socially and having to work around that would be something I’d rather not do. (This is assuming I find out this info at the very beginning of a relationship, which I would hope I would. I just probably wouldn’t pursue a relationship with an alcoholic knowing that upfront.)

Another that would give me pause is having small kids from another relationship(s). I don’t want kids, and don’t really want to be in a serious relationship which would necessitate spending a lot of time with someone else’s kids.

And rape. Rape would be a deal-breaker. Other than that, people can and do change, and I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt if you’re hot enough. :wink:

14

Hm.

Heavy drug use isn’t a big issue for me; my dad’s a recovering addict, as is my current boyfriend. CURRENT heavy drug use is a bigger issue for me; past is not. The Tashaboy and I both got STD tested early on so we’re both clean.

Sex crimes…it would depend on the sex crime. Statutory rape doesn’t really cover it for me because a lot of the time it’s consentual sex between either one person who’s just turned legal and one person who just barely isn’t, or consentual sex between an adult and a teenager who looks like an adult. Pedophilia (having sex with somone under, say, 16, when you’re over 18) would probably disturb me, especially if the victim was under 13 (depending on the age of the perpetrator at the time), and would be a deal-breaker, as would forced rape. But it would really depend on the crime, I think.

Murder - well, it depends on the circumstances. I could definitely see myself killing someone if they were scum and had raped or otherwise hurt someone I cared about, or if they were trying to rape or otherwise hurt me. The Tashaboy has two little girls and I know that if someone raped or seriously hurt them, he’d go ballistic and probably at least try to kill them. But yeah, if he’d gotten convicted of murdering his last girlfriend, might turn them down. :smiley:

Recovering alcoholism wouldn’t be a problem for me as long as they were comfortable in that recovery. My father can go hang out with us in a bar and not have a problem; my uncle can’t stand the places. Both are recovering alcoholics. I go to karaoke every Saturday at a bar, and it’s loads of fun, and I’d like to be able to take my significant other with me (the Tashaboy has a blast at karaoke, for anyone who wants to know).

Repeated history of cheating would give me pause, that’s for sure. I’m insanely jealous. A poly relationship is all fine and dandy, but it’s definitely not for me. I’m not the type to yell at someone because they’re checking someone out, but if they acted on it, past or present, it’d be over.

There’s probably more, but I’m on dayquil now and I can’t think of any.

~Tasha

15

Oh yes, I’m a prude. Flashing your genitals at little girls is a big no no even if you were only intending to pass urine.

and thanks for dragging that memory back to the front of my mind

16

I’m pretty picky about current behavior, but as long as we’re on the same page now I’d let bygones be bygones for most stuff. As I’ve matured I’ve gotten a little better at judging what is really a bygone, and what is just dormant. Also, as you get older people just plain do have more past.

Any type of crime or violent act that made me feel I would be in danger from the person, physically or even financially, though, would be a dealbreaker. Anything that squicked my gut.

17

For me the list is pretty simple (and a lot of it I agree with most before me)
[ul]
[li]Various children with different moms[/li][li]Or, conversely, a child that he has “cut” out of his life and does not support or see (by his choice)[/li][li]Abuses either children, animals or a previous girlfriend/wife[/li][li]convicted for a serious crime (especially a violent crime)[/li][li]An atheist (I have no problem being friends with one, but wouldn’t want to have a serious relationship)[/li][li]Someone who is severely racist/prejudiced[/li][li] Alcoholic/Drug User/Workaholic[/li][li] the last one I can think of - a smoker. I’m sorry, My mom smoked my whole life and I can’t stand the smell in everything.[/li][/ul]

18

Poysyn, I snipped much of your list because the first half was mostly things that are ongoing by definition. But what about these three? Would you break up with someone who WAS severely racist or prejudiced, but has learned better? A recovering alcoholic or drug user, or a former workaholic who, say, suffered a heart attack and learned to cut back on to sane numbers of hours? Or a former smoker? Because that was the question, you know.

19

You realize that no little girls need be involved, right? I’ve pissed in an alleyway behind a bar once or twice when there was no other good option but pissing myself. I guess I’m lucky a cop didn’t happen to be driving by.

For me:
[ul][li]Rape, pedophilia, etc. The heinous sex crimes.[/li][li]Domestic abuse[/ul][/li]
There are lots of things that would be dealbreakers as current behavior, but not many only in the past, as long as I could be convinced they really were only in the past. The above are the things that I don’t really think you can change, or are so terrible that I’m not willing to forgive. I think I’d be OK with a previous sex change, but I don’t know. There’s a good chance that I’d try really hard to be OK with it, but subconsciously not be able to get over it.

20

If someone told me that they had tried to commit suicide, I’d be taken aback. If they tried it more than once, that would be a deal breaker for me.