The subjects of his jokes, that is.
Will he mention the war? Governor Schwartzenegger? Martha Stewart?
I think it’s pratically a given that someone is going to rip off his tux top, exposing his left nipple.
Nipple, Ahnuld, LOTR, and some anachronistic song about all the nominees.
Look for Paris Hilton and Donald Trump to be mentioned within the first 15 minutes.
At least one same-sex marriage joke, perhaps somehow related to the Disney-Pixar split.
After he exposes a nipple he’ll press a beeping car alarm remote.
His opening songs:
“Sea-Biscuit” to the tune of “Green Acres” along with the lines “No, a jockey’s what I’d rather be/as long as I have one eye I can see…” and a line about Maguire’s butt sticking in the air (e.g. “Keep that gelding just gimme Maguire’s be-hind…”)
“Mystic River” to the tune of “Moon River” (preferably with a rhyme of “one of movie’s greatest weepers” and “including when it was called SLEEPERS”)
“Master & Commander”-to the tune of Jesus Christ Superstar ('Master-and…Com-MAND-der…") with a cunnilingus pun about Crowe being “Gladiator”
“Lost in Translation”- to the tune of “Me and My Shadow” with a pun about a girl asking Bill Murray “How’d you like to nip-on-'ese?”
“Lord of the Rings” to the tune of “I had a Dream” (from Gypsy) and a reference to Elvis in some form of “elves” and “the King” pun
Jokes about THE PASSION (in which he’ll mention that he’s Jewish in case you’ve forgotten it since his last “I’m Jewish” comment) and Rosie O’Donnell’s nuptials in his opening monologue.
I predict that I will mope about Steve Martin being funnier than this annoying ham.
Mayyyyybe a Gigli reference.
One year (when CITY SLICKERS was new) he rode on stage on a horse (then pressed the alarm remote). The next year (one year after Jack Palance’s bizarre Pilates acceptance speech) he rode out in chariot pulled by Jack Palance (then pressed the alarm remote). Another year, when one of the Hannibal Lecter movies was big, he was wheeled on stage in the Hannibal handtruck (then pressed the alarm remote). This year he could either:
1- come onstage pulled by Hobbits
OR
2- come onstage in a mock-up of a British warship pulled by Seabiscuit
OR
3- in honor of last year’s Black Death of celebrities (Katharine Hepburn, Gregory Peck, Buddy Ebsen, John Ritter, Johnny Cash, etc etc etc) he could come onstage riding a hearse
(Damn- the retrospective of those who died in 2003 is going to take longer than the Oscars.)
I hope so, that’s always my favorite part!
This year’s Oscar ™ nominees are quite unusual in that many are small (great!) films that didn’t do big box office scores. “Lost in Translation” would be a great backdrop to a lot of jokes but hardly any viewers will have seen it. Ditto “Pieces of April.” And there would be no point at all in doing an “American Splendor” joke. You’d hear crickets chirping. Many nominees are also “downer” films that are hard to use as a comedic basis, e.g., “Monster” and “Mystic River”. But jokes about the people involved are possible, e.g., Theron’s transformation and Eastwood’s age. (E.g., Clint: “I made a movie about a river in Boston? How’d it come out?”) So here’s a rundown:
“LofR: RotK” Big box office, but high geek factor there. A film that most viewers (i.e., non-geeks) will know a little about but not actually have seen. A couple early set pieces but not much after that.
“Cold Mountain” mainly a downer film but expect a chicken neck wringing piece.
“Matrix” movies. Some fun on how downhill they went. Sort of the “Hey, lose the black trench coat, that was so 2002.” (A related theme will be "Please, don’t release another bad “Star Wars” film!)
“Whale Rider”, the Jewish-American version.
“Something’s Gotta Give” Just some nudity jokes about the female lead (either Diane Keaton or Marilyn Monroe).
“The Cooler” will allow some mainly unrelated Alec Baldwin jokes. Or one of his brothers…
“Seabiscuit” who cares?
“Bruce Almighty” while not a noted film would play as a “Billy Almighty” piece.
That leaves “Master and Commander” and “PotC”. Hmm, movies about sailing and mad-ish captains. Well, I guess there’s going to be a prolonged set piece involving a crossover of those two. This is my top prediction. The only opening segment that most of the viewers will “get” and enjoy.
Bruce Vilanch is such a hack writer that I am unable to project my sense of humor that low.
Billy Chrystal will come out looking like Charlize Theron’s character from Monster.
That’s not really a joke since Billy has looked that way from two face-lifts ago.
Master and Commander got married in San Francisco.
Lord Of The Rings, or Mel Gibson’s Passion Of The Hobbits.
Madam Cleo and Joan Rivers got married in San Francisco…now they are Mystic Rivers.
Lost In Translation - the story of why we haven’t found Sadam’s Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Whale Rider - Rosie O’Donnell’s wedding video.
Seabiscuit - the only stud Paris Hilton hasn’t been with, yet.
Finding Nemo - (animated cartoon of Billy searching for Osama)
This might be reaching for a joke but maybe he’ll have a humorous reference or two about Michael Moore’s speech last year.
i think there will be a joke about the 5 second delay in Oscar telecast and Japanese movies
I’m looking for an Adrian Brody kiss joke.
I think Billy will come out on the top of a mast like PotC and then hit his alarm.
Let’s start laying the ground rules of the drinking game!
Shelob the spider will get at least a joke, and maybe even an appearance.
Maybe a low-blow rehab joke linking the **Finding Nemo ** sharks who’ve given up fish to celebs trying to get clean?
A riff observing that today’s stars get together to play poker, but nobody smokes or drinks…?
A gag comparing the endless farewells in the third installment of LOTR to the painfully prolonged Oscar acceptance speeches?
The search for Iraqi WMD and the LOTR trilogy’s gold ring device.